Sunday, April 29, 2012

Aliens outraged over NATO Summit landing and abduction restrictions

A NWO Representative explains the
NATO Summit restrictions to Clow's alien visitors

By Reporter X

The New World Order announced restrictions for the Chicago NATO Summit outraged a town hall style gathering at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

The crowd of extraterrestrials booed, as New World Order Liaison Jeff Wagg announced that all UFO traffic would be directed over “The Lisle Square” and a ban on abductions on May 20 and May 21.

“How can your government expect us to ignore Abduction Day?”  Screamed one participant?

In some extraterrestrial cultures, Abduction Day is a celebration of the first legal human abduction.  To these cultures, it celebrates a spiritual bond between humanity and the interstellar hive mind.  This year, Abduction Day falls on May 20.

Wagg, a former James Randi Educational Foundation fellow, firmly defended the ban.  “The Treaty of Madison clearly states that that securing our world’s leaders takes precedent over any interstellar religious holiday!”

Wagg then explained that while high ranking human leaders are already exempt for abduction, the possibility of an international incident is too great.  

“Let’s say you abduct a woman at a hotel.  She doesn’t have any markings.  Fine.  Then it turns out that she was an ‘unregistered’ niece of a general.  Now we have an interstellar incident on our hand that could threaten our alliance.  The New World Order has invested too much in bribes, blackmail, the Internet and clones to preserve this alliance.  We will take any chances.”

Wagg then added that aliens were welcome to abduct residents in Oswego and DeKalb.  Some aliens protested the suggestion.  

“DeKalb is rural, and we have too many rural samples as is.”  Said one alien, who added, “The last time I abducted someone from Oswego, he just kept talking about Jesus and cheap milk.  My crew made me swear never to go there again!”

“Chicago has high quality subjects!”  Added another alien.  “Denying us Chicago residents is like denying humans fine turkey for Christmas.”

Countered Wagg, “There is nothing wrong with celebrating Abduction Day before or after the summit.  Those fine Chicago residents will still be there.”

When pressed about diverting all UFO traffic over “The Lisle Square,” Wagg denied that a disproportionate number of UFOs crash over the area.

“If you look at the numbers, Lisle has same rate of crashes as any other suburban location.  This is a case of selective memory.  Most people forget about the crashes in Skokie, but they remember the crashes in Lisle.  It’s kind of like how the Bermuda Triangle Legend started on Earth.”

An unidentified Clow Official added that that the original security lane would have required craft to fly over Naperville.  Naperville protested, according to the source.

“You know the drill.  ‘We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold.’  They felt that the increased traffic would damage their quality of life.  Lisle, on the other hand, welcomed the traffic.  So we really didn’t have a choice.”

Wagg concluded that the New World Order had the necessary personnel and craft to enforce the no-fly zones for the summit.

JenKuf, a trader from Glise, expressed disbelief.

“Your United States is too obsessed with security.  First they brought the TSA in here, and now this.  I just hope when the TSA goes after buses, humanity finally will come to its senses!”

When asked to comment, the receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar was talking on the phone.

“As much as I would like to help a blind singer, her performance fee is greater than our entire entertainment budget.”  Said the man.  After a short pause, he replied, “Then why is she always singing about cataracts?”

Also in The Babbler:

Surly Amy: My necklaces do not contained ground boy bones!
Albino Bigfoot spotted in Bolingbrook
Ghosts barred from NATO Summit
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/2/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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