Sunday, April 29, 2012

Aliens outraged over NATO Summit landing and abduction restrictions

A NWO Representative explains the
NATO Summit restrictions to Clow's alien visitors

By Reporter X

The New World Order announced restrictions for the Chicago NATO Summit outraged a town hall style gathering at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

The crowd of extraterrestrials booed, as New World Order Liaison Jeff Wagg announced that all UFO traffic would be directed over “The Lisle Square” and a ban on abductions on May 20 and May 21.

“How can your government expect us to ignore Abduction Day?”  Screamed one participant?

In some extraterrestrial cultures, Abduction Day is a celebration of the first legal human abduction.  To these cultures, it celebrates a spiritual bond between humanity and the interstellar hive mind.  This year, Abduction Day falls on May 20.

Wagg, a former James Randi Educational Foundation fellow, firmly defended the ban.  “The Treaty of Madison clearly states that that securing our world’s leaders takes precedent over any interstellar religious holiday!”

Wagg then explained that while high ranking human leaders are already exempt for abduction, the possibility of an international incident is too great.  

“Let’s say you abduct a woman at a hotel.  She doesn’t have any markings.  Fine.  Then it turns out that she was an ‘unregistered’ niece of a general.  Now we have an interstellar incident on our hand that could threaten our alliance.  The New World Order has invested too much in bribes, blackmail, the Internet and clones to preserve this alliance.  We will take any chances.”

Wagg then added that aliens were welcome to abduct residents in Oswego and DeKalb.  Some aliens protested the suggestion.  

“DeKalb is rural, and we have too many rural samples as is.”  Said one alien, who added, “The last time I abducted someone from Oswego, he just kept talking about Jesus and cheap milk.  My crew made me swear never to go there again!”

“Chicago has high quality subjects!”  Added another alien.  “Denying us Chicago residents is like denying humans fine turkey for Christmas.”

Countered Wagg, “There is nothing wrong with celebrating Abduction Day before or after the summit.  Those fine Chicago residents will still be there.”

When pressed about diverting all UFO traffic over “The Lisle Square,” Wagg denied that a disproportionate number of UFOs crash over the area.

“If you look at the numbers, Lisle has same rate of crashes as any other suburban location.  This is a case of selective memory.  Most people forget about the crashes in Skokie, but they remember the crashes in Lisle.  It’s kind of like how the Bermuda Triangle Legend started on Earth.”

An unidentified Clow Official added that that the original security lane would have required craft to fly over Naperville.  Naperville protested, according to the source.

“You know the drill.  ‘We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold.’  They felt that the increased traffic would damage their quality of life.  Lisle, on the other hand, welcomed the traffic.  So we really didn’t have a choice.”

Wagg concluded that the New World Order had the necessary personnel and craft to enforce the no-fly zones for the summit.

JenKuf, a trader from Glise, expressed disbelief.

“Your United States is too obsessed with security.  First they brought the TSA in here, and now this.  I just hope when the TSA goes after buses, humanity finally will come to its senses!”

When asked to comment, the receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar was talking on the phone.

“As much as I would like to help a blind singer, her performance fee is greater than our entire entertainment budget.”  Said the man.  After a short pause, he replied, “Then why is she always singing about cataracts?”

Also in The Babbler:

Surly Amy: My necklaces do not contained ground boy bones!
Albino Bigfoot spotted in Bolingbrook
Ghosts barred from NATO Summit
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/2/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Sources: Chicago to replace mental health clinics with homeopathy clinics

Sources with friends of relatives connected to the City of Chicago, say the city will replace closed mental health clinics with homeopathic clinics.

The alleged deal, say the sources, is designed to divide the Occupy Chicago movement, and end their protests against the closing of six mental health clinics.

“We’re sure that some of the occupiers use homeopathy.”  Said one of the sources.  “So if we offer them reduced priced homeopathic clinics, they’ll support us, and that will gum up their general assemblies!  It’s genius!”

In an e-mail obtained by The Babbler, Mayor Rahm Emanuel approved the offer.

“You mean to (expletive deleted) tell me that we can take one pill from our stock, drop it in the middle of Lake Michigan, then take a dropper of lake water, put it in a jar, shake it a certain way, dip sugar pills into it, then sell it as medicine?  Even if we just asked the patients to only pay for the water, we’d make a (expletive deleted) fortune.  Why didn’t (expletive deleted) Daley do this?”

Another source dismissed concerns about the effectiveness of homeopathy.

"We have to face up to the new realities of health care.  The job creators and their public servants will get full treatment.  The rest will get alternative treatments, and they will enjoy those cheaper treatments!  It's a matter of priorities.  We have to get taxes down!"

The Chicago Society of Homeopaths denounced the planned new clinics.

“It’s government!”  Said Jane P. Loughton.  “The government can’t do anything right!  Their clinics will botch their remedies, and make all homeopaths look bad!  You should only get your homeopathic remedies from a local practitioner, or from a drug store!  Do you trust the government to understand quantum physics and natural remedies?  Except for The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine, of course!"

When asked to comment, Raham replied, “Leave me the (expletive deleted) alone or I’ll ‘accidentally’ have your publication listed as an organization sympathetic to the terrorists!  Good luck trying to make it through the NATO Summit!”

At the deadline, Occupy Chicago had not reached a consensus about how to reply to this article.

Also in The Babbler:

Claar denies saying God should pay local taxes
Bolingbrook holds strong against Soviet cool attack
Dowsers offer services for NATO Summit
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/24/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Phil Plait promotes new ‘Bad Universe’ series at Clow UFO Base

The Bad Astronomer learns why it is a bad idea to walk on Mars without a spacesuit.

By Reporter X

Canceled by the Discovery Channel almost two years ago, Bad Universe will be revived by an interstellar TV network.  Bad Astronomer Phil Plait proudly announced the renewal at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“This time we got it right!” Exclaimed Plait.  “We’ve filmed more than three episodes, we’ve secured a regular slot for the programs, we’ve kept the science and added more explosions!  The galaxy will soon know the words, ‘Holy Haleakala!’”

Vios23, programing cyborg for the Interstellar Exchange Network, explained that the network revived the show to compete against Mythbusters reruns on the competing Galactic Broadcasting Company.

“Mythbusters is a great show, and we all love the team members.”  Said Vios23.  “Still, the program boils down to stupid human tricks with explosives.  We wanted to make a program that is more in tune with the scientific knowledge of the galactic community.”

Vios23 said that Plait’s old show was the perfect vehicle for a revival.  

“Phil’s show was much too grand for Earth’s primitive networks, and the poor production values rendered it to the ash heap of other CGI astronomy programs.  Phil needed a production company that could allow him to film on location across the galaxy and see explosions much grander than the firecrackers on his old program.”

The producers then showed scenes from the new series.  In the first clip, Plait is looking out a shielded window at a star.

“Holy Haleakala!”  Exclaimed Plait.  “It’s Betelgeuse from several billions kilometers away!  It’s huge.  To put it in prospective, Betelgeuse is about the size of Jupiter’s orbit around Sol.  I’m amazed to look at it so close.  Look!  Those two bubbles of gas rising from the surface.  They’re about the size of the Earth’s orbit, but they look so small from out here.  It’s amazing.  What are the words I’m looking for?  Oh yeah.  Holy Haleakala!”

In the next scene, Plait watches a space war game.

“In this scenario, the defenders have to stop a space fleet from bombarding their home planet with asteroids.  As I’ve always said asteroids were the most efficient way to bomb a planet, and this is proof that I was right.”

Several ships explode during the clip.

“On Earth, we’re used to seeing bullet like lasers and fiery explosions in our science fiction movies.  Real life space battles, as you can see aren’t like that.  The visible laser beams are only used for tracking.  The main laser uses frequencies that aren’t visible to the human eye.  Since there’s no air in space, we don’t get fireballs, just flying debris.  Still fascinating to watch though.”

Later in the scene, one of the ships “accidentally” tries to target Plait’s ship. Plait’s ship then initiates a high speed maneuver to avoid the craft.  Plait falls into an absorption wall.

“The inertial dampeners must not be working!”  Exclaims Plait.  As he sinks into the foam wall, he cries, “Holy Haleakala!  I’m experiencing 10G acceleration.  I now weigh 10 times more than my normal Earth weight.  I can barely breath!”

After the craft decelerates, Plait says, “Do you want to know how powerful 10Gs is?  I threw up, but it went out the wrong hole!  Holy Haleakala!  I need a new uniform!”

At the end of each episode, the producers will interview Plait, after erasing his memories about aliens and the show, and listen to him debunk UFOs.

“We’re going to film those scenes after I finish the media tour.”  Said Plait.  “I’ve been allowed to keep my memories of aliens since I was the president of the JREF.  I’ve learned a lot, but, to be honest, I didn’t like having to lie to people about UFOs on Earth.  It will be great to be relieved of that burden.” He did add that all the UFOs he’s mentioned on his blog were either hoaxes, or had natural explanations.

Vios23 said that while the show has changed, its goal still remains the same.

“We will teach the children of the galaxy good astronomy through entertainment and explosions!”

Plait added that if the show is renewed, he hopes Pamela Gay is hired as a cohost.  Vios23 said it was a possibility.

“After seeing her tell Neil deDrasse Tyson to shut up at TAM 9, we knew there was a place for her on our network.”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook prepares for Soviet weather attacks
Witnesses: George Smith can walk on water!
Source: Mental health clinics to be replaced with homeopathic clinics
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Interstellar Court refuses to take George Smith case.

By Reporter X

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit refused to hear a petition filed on behalf of George D. Smith, 65, of Bolingbrook.

“Once again,” Wrote Judge Kilos Surgon, “This court cannot take Earth cases unless they have a clear connection to interstellar law.  Saying the petitioner might have transported freight indirectly derived from covert agreements with the New World Order does not mean his covered under the Interstellar Transporter Treaty of 35,001 GCE.”

Smith is charged with felony attempted child abduction, and is currently in jail pending payment of a $100,000 bond.  Smith allegedly attempted to lure an 11 year old girl into his truck on 2/17/12.  He was initially charged with disorderly conduct and released on bond.  On April 4, the charge was dismissed at the request of the Will County State’s Attorney’s Office.  On April 5, Smith was arrested on the felony charge.

The interstellar suit, filed by The Number Crunchers Clow, claims that Smith’s interstellar rights against “excessive prosecution” were being violated.  Since Smith’s disorderly conduct charge was dismissed, he should not be tried again for the same event.

Surgon disagreed.

“Even Wikipedia gets this.  ‘Jeopardy ‘attaches’ when the jury impanelled, the first witness is sworn, or a plea is accepted.’  This was clearly did not happen when the initial charge was dismissed by the state.  Instead, the state changed its mind about what charge to press against Smith.”

Surgon added, “We are confident that he will get a fair hearing within US court system.  There is no need for this court to intervene.”

Quatu, lawyer for NCC, said he was disappointed in the ruling.

“George Smith likes to help people!  Right now I’ll bet he is helping people in prison!  So it is sad that this judge won’t help him in return.”

Quatu called for human political activists of all sides to take up Smith’s cause.

“No matter the subject of your event, insist that there be speakers, signs and posters in support of George!  If George is to have a chance at justice, ‘Free George’ must become a more popular slogan than ‘Free Mumia!’”

Also in The Babbler:

Occupy protestors fail to take over Chicago on April 7
Weredeer ask Claar to ban Bigfoot from Bolingbrook
Cubs games dropped from Interstellar TV
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/13/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Web Exclusive: Keith Olbermann to move to Bolingbrook Community Television?

Photo by kirstenlovesputi

Days after being booted from Current TV, Keith Olbermann may be bringing Countdown to Bolingbrook Community Television.

Donnie Wilks, a BCTV producer, says he asked to produce a new show for Olbermann the day he was fired from Current TV.

“I really loved Countdown on MSNBC and Current.”  Said Wilks.  “So when I heard about the firing, I sent him a tweet offering to do the show on BCTV.  Imagine my surprise when he replied that he was interested.”

Wilks claims he sent Olbermann a primer about Bolingbrook’s politics.  Olbermann, according to Wilks, then asked him about the production quality of the new show.

“I said BCTV could keep the lights on during a live broadcast.  He felt that was already a major improvement over Current TV.”

Olbermann then sent a video to Wilks stating his disbelief about Bolingbrook?  “(Mayor Roger Claar) started to build a gated community?  Are you (expletive deleted) me?  Wouldn’t it have been cheaper if he had just promised to pay the mortgages of Bolingbrook’s 1 percent?”

After agreeing to give Olbermann all the rights to the shows, Olbermann sent a sample “Special Comment” dealing with the Bolingbrook Chronicle, a new web site by former trustee candidate Rhonda Reed-Slaughter.  Wilks would not release the video, but did provide an excerpt from the transcript.

“Gee Rhonda, you’re surprised that Ken Cygan didn’t respond to your questionnaire?  Could it have something to do with the fact that you were affiliated with The Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook?  You know, the web site that attacked him because union members attended one of his fundraisers.  That little thing called guilt by association.  Remember how well that worked in the 1950s.  

“Which brings me to my next point.  Part of politics involves building alliances.  If you wanted to build an alliance to bring down Roger, who better to join your alliance than the local union members?  Why did you affiliate yourself with a group that attacked union members?  Do you want village employees to have substandard wages?  Do you want to turn Bolingbrook into Madison?  

“It is opposition groups like the Watch Dogs that allowed Bolingbrook to become a one party village.  It is these antics that make residents choose the devil they know, rather than the devil they can barely read!”

BCTV denied knowing Wilks or of any producer planning on bringing Olbermann to BCTV.

Claar, when e-mailed, didn’t believe Olbermann was coming to BCTV.  He added, “If he wants to take a vacation from counting his money, I hope he finds something better to do than attack me!”

When this reporter tried to reach Olbermann, his lawyer said his only plans involved suing Current TV to clear his name.  In the background, a man who sounded like Olbermann said, “You mean, if I take over Current TV, I would only make money if the network were profitable?  That would involve keeping the all the talent happy?  Wow, I thought all you had to do to be a media CEO was insult your talent, and keep the Republican Party happy.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Babbler establishes Chicago bureau

By Chris Olson
Publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler

After the harrowing events of last week.  I am please to announce that The Babbler is opening a a bureau in Chicago.

While we have covered Chicago events in the past, for the first time, we will have a team of reporters dedicated to uncovering Chicago paranormal secrets.  While the Chicago Tribune and Sun-Times post joke articles about ghosts, we’ll be covering Chicago’s ghost political machine.  While The Chicago Reader tries to be an “alternative publication,” we’ll be exposing the “alternative” stories used to cover up Chicago’s UFO sightings.  

Some of our readers may be concerned that we will sacrifice our coverage of Bolingbrook.  Don’t worry.  There are plenty of stories in Bolingbrook that need to be covered, and we will maintain our tradition of being Bolingbrook’s first and only true tabloid.

We believe, however, that our readers need to be aware of the paranormal events in Chicago.  One of Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s goal’s is to create a UFO base in Chicago, threatening Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base status as the largest UFO base in the world.  This could affect thousands of jobs in Bolingbrook.  Chicago’s ghost political machine could try to spread its corrupting influence into the suburbs.  I’m sure our Bolingbrook readers don’t want to be under the undead thumb of Richard Daley, Sr.

Our new Chicago readers might be interested in learning about Bolingbrook.  Many don’t know that Bolingbrook is built on top of the remains of a pre-ice age industrial city.  They might be surprised to hear that our Mayor Roger Claar is considered the most powerful village mayor in the Milky Way Galaxy.  That should give Chicago residents a whole new prospective on Chicagoland politics.

I should also note that I find it odd that The Chicago Skeptics decided to hold an out of state concert the same weekend we opened our Chicago bureau.  I hardly think that is a coincidence.  So I’m extending our $5 Dollar challenge to The Chicago Skeptics.  If you can debunk any of our stories at a meeting or on your web page, we’ll give you $5.  Simple as that.  Since The Skeptics Guide to The Universe, Skepchick, and The James Randi Educational Foundation haven’t been able to debunk us, I think you will find that it will not be as easy as you think it will be.

For those of you who asked, Anti-psychic Kitty is OK, and will now protect the Chicago Bureau from ghosts and the city’s psychic spies.  He will have to get used to his new four legged roommates, but we think he’s up to the challenge.

So to our new Chicago readers, we say welcome, and check out both our print copies and our web page.  As we also like to say around here, the truth is unbelievable!  

Also in The Babbler:

Zombies to protest Necrophilia ban
Thousands of Clow aliens enjoy George Hrab simulcast.  
Everyone quits Freethought blogs!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/3/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.