By Reporter X
Sometime this month, Bolingbrook Community Television will broadcast the infamous “Wow!” interstellar space signal.
The signal, detected on Earth in 1977, was an alcoholic drink commercial from Tau Sagittarii 3. The drink, translated as Garuck Beer, was a popular beverage over 150 year ago in Earth’s past.
“The ad was originally a publicity stunt for the Garuck Collective.” Said Saguscheck, the first Tau Sagittarii ambassador to Earth. “They weren’t even trying to transmit it to Earth. It was an accident. After the first cycle, the crew realized their mistake, and changed direction. That’s why you only got 72 seconds of the transmission.”
While the “Wow!” signal only created speculation on Earth, the extended commercial attracted the attention of other civilizations, and eventually lead to the Tau Sagittarii’s admission to the greater interstellar community.
“The galaxy loves our beer.” Said Cluckgook, an assistant to Saguscheck.”
Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base is Saguscheck’s first stop on his tour of Earth’s UFO Bases. When he met Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, he asked if Claar could arrange for the “Wow!” signal to be broadcast on WGN as an infomercial. Saguscheck then offered Claar a container of Garuck.
Claar, according to eyewitnesses, drank it, winced, and then said the world wasn’t ready for this “otherworldly beer.”
“However,” Added Claar, “I’m sure the residents of Bolingbrook will love this beer. We have a cable channel that is just right for your message.”
“Sure we could have waited to present the ad to The Ohio State University.” Said Saguscheck, “But your mayor was so nice, and I’ve heard that OSU was more concerned with their football program, than with deciphering our ad. It was a simple HD signal, after all.”
No human has seen the broadcast version, but according to sources in the local extraterrestrial community, the ad starts with a shot of a female being sitting in pool of boiling mud. She holds a container of Garuck and says some people settle for the pleasure of burning mud. She takes a gulp, and then a male and a third sex being rise up from the mud. The woman replies that she doesn’t like to settle.
“It was quite a racy ad at the time.” Said Cluckgook. “I think it would be like one of your females talking about birth control to a group of men. That seems to drive one of your broadcasters into a mating frenzy.”
When asked to comment, an anonymous BCTV staff member said, “Come on. Do you really think Roger Claar would broadcast top secret videos on BCTV. We do have viewers!”
When this reporter contacted Claar’s office, a receptionist said he was on the phone and did not wish to be disturbed.
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “No, I’m not spying on you! You guys just aren’t as clever as you think you are!”
Also in The Babbler:
Bolingbrook closes haunted intersection
New blog chastises sexist Bigfoot believers
Interplanetary network drops Rush
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/9/12
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.