Thursday, March 15, 2012

Web Exclusive: Extraterrestrial corporation to buy Bolingbrook’s yard waste

By Reporter X

Instead of Bolingbrook residents buying yard waste stickers, an alien corporation will buy the yard waste from the village instead.

Mayor Roger Claar announced the deal at a press conference held at Clow UFO Base.  The Acteon Corporation will buy the yard waste and sell some of it as “high end organic growth enhancement.” 

“Earth plants are popular containment subjects around the galaxy.”  Said Acteon collective member Gosox.  “They are so prized that our high end customers will not settle for mere nitrogen based fertilizer.  We want to make them think that they’re getting added value.  Your so-called yard waste is our key to a fortune.”

Bogok, Collective Enlightenment Organism, further explained.

“Humans may think of Bolingbrook as a sleepy suburb, but the galaxy thinks highly of Bolingbrook.  Off-world visitors come to Clow to get access to the best restaurants, the best collection subjects, and the best politicians.  In short, Bolingbrook offers access to greatness.  If we promise access to the best plant health, and put the Bolingbrook name on it, we will generate great profit!”

Claar did not say how much the Acteon will pay the village, but did say it would prevent cuts to the covert budget, and it would allow the village to cancel its yard waste sticker program.

“This is why we have the Clow complex.”  Said Claar.  “Today, each home owner has saved at least $2.50.  This more than makes up for any money the airport portion has lost.”

Acteon also hopes to sell sticks as interstellar toys.

“Even the most advanced polymorphic toy cannot bring about the joy that a spawn experiences when they use their imagination on a stick.”  Said Bogok.  “Adding the Bolingbrook name to a stick will make it more appealing to their genetic contributors.”

When asked by a reporter for Number Crunchers Clow, Claar confirmed that his likeness would be on each Bolingbrook product sold by Acteon.  

I am Bolingbrook.  How can you not sell a Bolingbrook product without me?”

When asked to comment, The Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook replied with an e-mail which simply read, “Thank you Bonnie!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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