Sunday, March 25, 2012

Lisle trees banish The Babbler!

Following a six day siege in Lisle and Bolingbrook by Lisle’s human-tree hybrids, The Babbler has agreed to close its Lisle bureau.  

“This is a sad decision.”  Said publisher Chris Olson.  “It is, however, the right decision.  Too many innocent people and sentient trees could have been killed.”

The siege started on March 18 when The Village of Lisle took over The Babbler’s web domain.  Sources at the village’s Office of Village Security say the order came from Lisle’s ruling tree council.

“Hey, when our trees tell us to do something, we do it.”  Said an unnamed source at the office.  “I’m sorry you guys were inconvenienced, but hey, it was nice to have a bit of excitement around here.  Normally all I do is make plans for dealing with a terrorist attack, and search the Internet for threats against Lisle.  The terrorists hate our trees, you know.”

The next day, armies of human-tree hybrids descended upon both the Lisle bureau and the Bolingbrook office.

John Buck, head of the Lisle bureau, described the initial advance.

“I saw a crowd approach, and thought it was odd, since there aren’t that many people around Four Lakes this time of year.  Anyway, when the leader transformed her hair into leaves, I hit the panic button and called (the) Bolingbrook (office).”

The Bolingbrook office also locked down as the hybrids approached.  Olson and editor Sara Langston made the choice because of the hybrids’ long history of violence.

“Historians say that the hybrids are normally lone assassins.”  Said Langston.  “An army of them in Lisle is frightening.  An army of them outside of Lisle is something that hasn’t happened since the civil war!”

For three days, many staff members were trapped as the hybrids blocked the exits of both offices.  Calls for help to Mayor Roger Claar and Lisle Mayor Joe Broda were unanswered.  While both locations had emergency stores of food and water, staff members were unsure how long they could hold out.

“I now really hate MREs.”  Said Babbler columnist Ticked-off Ted.

On March 22, some Bolingbrook residents messaged The Babbler that they were going to arm themselves with chainsaws, and attempt to break the siege.  After the webmaster posted this on twitter, both mayors contacted The Babbler.  After several hours of negotiations, the hybrids left, and Olson announced the closing of the Lisle bureau.

In a statement e-mailed to The Babbler, Claar wrote, “Next time don’t be so reckless with your reporting.  I don’t want to tree war in my community!”

When called, Broda replied, “You’re leaving Lisle?  Can I help you pack?”

Sources with ties to Lisle’s government blame the siege on atheist activist Hemant Mehta.  Mehta, says the sources, didn’t want to The Babbler to cover the recent Reason Rally in Washington DC.  When Claar refused to help him, he petitioned Lisle’s trees for help.

When confronted with this allegation, Mehta tweeted, “Go for it!  We need the truth!”

“It was hard to ‘go for it’ when there’s a killer tree blocking the exit.”  Said Babbler columnist Dale Onofrey.  

Some students in Mehta’s class claim he is going to teach them a mathematical proof that shows humanity owes its existence to trees, and that everyone should do more to recycle as a way to show tribute to these, “Living creators of life.”

The Babbler founded Lisle bureau in 2007 to provide more in depth coverage of Lisle’s treeocracy and to expand the publications into other suburbs.  The bureau exposed a ninja attack against Broda and covered allegations that Navistar was planning to manufacturing nuclear powered trucks in Lisle.

Olson said he will make an announcement about the location of the next bureau.

Also in The Babbler:

“Thank you Bonnie” to replace “God bless you?”
Alien supermarket threatens to undercut Bolingbrook Wal-mart
Clow officials arrest UFO crew for speeding over Dallas, TX
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/29/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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