Sunday, March 25, 2012

Lisle trees banish The Babbler!

Following a six day siege in Lisle and Bolingbrook by Lisle’s human-tree hybrids, The Babbler has agreed to close its Lisle bureau.  

“This is a sad decision.”  Said publisher Chris Olson.  “It is, however, the right decision.  Too many innocent people and sentient trees could have been killed.”

The siege started on March 18 when The Village of Lisle took over The Babbler’s web domain.  Sources at the village’s Office of Village Security say the order came from Lisle’s ruling tree council.

“Hey, when our trees tell us to do something, we do it.”  Said an unnamed source at the office.  “I’m sorry you guys were inconvenienced, but hey, it was nice to have a bit of excitement around here.  Normally all I do is make plans for dealing with a terrorist attack, and search the Internet for threats against Lisle.  The terrorists hate our trees, you know.”

The next day, armies of human-tree hybrids descended upon both the Lisle bureau and the Bolingbrook office.

John Buck, head of the Lisle bureau, described the initial advance.

“I saw a crowd approach, and thought it was odd, since there aren’t that many people around Four Lakes this time of year.  Anyway, when the leader transformed her hair into leaves, I hit the panic button and called (the) Bolingbrook (office).”

The Bolingbrook office also locked down as the hybrids approached.  Olson and editor Sara Langston made the choice because of the hybrids’ long history of violence.

“Historians say that the hybrids are normally lone assassins.”  Said Langston.  “An army of them in Lisle is frightening.  An army of them outside of Lisle is something that hasn’t happened since the civil war!”

For three days, many staff members were trapped as the hybrids blocked the exits of both offices.  Calls for help to Mayor Roger Claar and Lisle Mayor Joe Broda were unanswered.  While both locations had emergency stores of food and water, staff members were unsure how long they could hold out.

“I now really hate MREs.”  Said Babbler columnist Ticked-off Ted.

On March 22, some Bolingbrook residents messaged The Babbler that they were going to arm themselves with chainsaws, and attempt to break the siege.  After the webmaster posted this on twitter, both mayors contacted The Babbler.  After several hours of negotiations, the hybrids left, and Olson announced the closing of the Lisle bureau.

In a statement e-mailed to The Babbler, Claar wrote, “Next time don’t be so reckless with your reporting.  I don’t want to tree war in my community!”

When called, Broda replied, “You’re leaving Lisle?  Can I help you pack?”

Sources with ties to Lisle’s government blame the siege on atheist activist Hemant Mehta.  Mehta, says the sources, didn’t want to The Babbler to cover the recent Reason Rally in Washington DC.  When Claar refused to help him, he petitioned Lisle’s trees for help.

When confronted with this allegation, Mehta tweeted, “Go for it!  We need the truth!”

“It was hard to ‘go for it’ when there’s a killer tree blocking the exit.”  Said Babbler columnist Dale Onofrey.  

Some students in Mehta’s class claim he is going to teach them a mathematical proof that shows humanity owes its existence to trees, and that everyone should do more to recycle as a way to show tribute to these, “Living creators of life.”

The Babbler founded Lisle bureau in 2007 to provide more in depth coverage of Lisle’s treeocracy and to expand the publications into other suburbs.  The bureau exposed a ninja attack against Broda and covered allegations that Navistar was planning to manufacturing nuclear powered trucks in Lisle.

Olson said he will make an announcement about the location of the next bureau.

Also in The Babbler:

“Thank you Bonnie” to replace “God bless you?”
Alien supermarket threatens to undercut Bolingbrook Wal-mart
Clow officials arrest UFO crew for speeding over Dallas, TX
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/29/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Web Exclusive: Extraterrestrial corporation to buy Bolingbrook’s yard waste

By Reporter X

Instead of Bolingbrook residents buying yard waste stickers, an alien corporation will buy the yard waste from the village instead.

Mayor Roger Claar announced the deal at a press conference held at Clow UFO Base.  The Acteon Corporation will buy the yard waste and sell some of it as “high end organic growth enhancement.” 

“Earth plants are popular containment subjects around the galaxy.”  Said Acteon collective member Gosox.  “They are so prized that our high end customers will not settle for mere nitrogen based fertilizer.  We want to make them think that they’re getting added value.  Your so-called yard waste is our key to a fortune.”

Bogok, Collective Enlightenment Organism, further explained.

“Humans may think of Bolingbrook as a sleepy suburb, but the galaxy thinks highly of Bolingbrook.  Off-world visitors come to Clow to get access to the best restaurants, the best collection subjects, and the best politicians.  In short, Bolingbrook offers access to greatness.  If we promise access to the best plant health, and put the Bolingbrook name on it, we will generate great profit!”

Claar did not say how much the Acteon will pay the village, but did say it would prevent cuts to the covert budget, and it would allow the village to cancel its yard waste sticker program.

“This is why we have the Clow complex.”  Said Claar.  “Today, each home owner has saved at least $2.50.  This more than makes up for any money the airport portion has lost.”

Acteon also hopes to sell sticks as interstellar toys.

“Even the most advanced polymorphic toy cannot bring about the joy that a spawn experiences when they use their imagination on a stick.”  Said Bogok.  “Adding the Bolingbrook name to a stick will make it more appealing to their genetic contributors.”

When asked by a reporter for Number Crunchers Clow, Claar confirmed that his likeness would be on each Bolingbrook product sold by Acteon.  

I am Bolingbrook.  How can you not sell a Bolingbrook product without me?”

When asked to comment, The Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook replied with an e-mail which simply read, “Thank you Bonnie!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Mayor Claar ends UFO political advertising ban

With almost a week to go before the Illinois Primary, UFOs flying over Bolingbrook can once again display political ads. Bolingbrook mayor and Clow administrator Roger Claar signed an order lifting the weeks old ban.

Officials at The Department of Interstellar Affairs deny that action is related to Claar’s support for Mitt Romney’s campaign.

Said spokesperson Paula Dylan, “It was inevitable that some visitors would violate the ban, and inevitably that would lead to inappropriate messages in our night sky, so faced with an inevitable message crisis, we decided to end our resistance, and embrace inevitably by legalizing and regulating political messages.”

According to anonymous sources, UFOs are still required to be cloaked, but in between cloaking cycles, eyewitnesses can observe the campaign signs on the underbelly of the craft.

Kludoo, owner of an interstellar ad agency, says the ads, while expensive, are effective.

“Sure not everyone will look up at the right time, but those who will look up are more open minded, and are more likely to follow the advice of a space alien.  You know, the whole ‘they can travel the stars, so they must know who I should vote for.’”

The campaigns are unaware of the ads, but alien sponsored super PACs are funding the ads.

Said Loik of the Universe for Romney, “He is the most Gleckgorian of your candidates.  Since I had a spare trillion credits, I decided to help him out.”

Rigocks from the Intelligent Beings for Smart Colonization, hopes to use his signs to defeat Newt Gingrich.

“He has great taste in pressurized carbons, but I don’t want another colony on the Moon.  Since I had some spare change, I decided to form a super PAC and prevent his annoying plan!”

Signs are appearing in Bolingbrook’s skies, sometimes with unexpected responses.

“I couldn’t decide who to vote for in the election.”  Said Bolingbrook resident Paul X. Preston.  “So I looked up to the sky and asked God for a sign.  Mitt’s logo appeared in the sky.  I figured this was the Devil playing a trick on me, so now I’m voting for Rick Santorum.”

When called for comment, Claar answered, “I am trying to think of a way to honor our missing troops.  I do not want to organize an M.I.A concert!  What I really want to do is.”  Claar than slammed the headset four times then said, “And hang up on you!”

Also in The Babbler:

Gingrich: I will not destroy Chicago if elected
Alien message in junk DNA: Copyright 109233!
Mold monster attacks skeptic’s car
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/17/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, March 5, 2012

‘Wow!’ signal to be broadcast on BCTV

By Reporter X

Sometime this month, Bolingbrook Community Television will broadcast the infamous “Wow!” interstellar space signal.

The signal, detected on Earth in 1977, was an alcoholic drink commercial from Tau Sagittarii 3.  The drink, translated as Garuck Beer, was a popular beverage over 150 year ago in Earth’s past.

“The ad was originally a publicity stunt for the Garuck Collective.”  Said Saguscheck, the first Tau Sagittarii ambassador to Earth.  “They weren’t even trying to transmit it to Earth.  It was an accident.  After the first cycle, the crew realized their mistake, and changed direction.  That’s why you only got 72 seconds of the transmission.”

While the “Wow!” signal only created speculation on Earth, the extended commercial attracted the attention of other civilizations, and eventually lead to the Tau Sagittarii’s admission to the greater interstellar community.  

“The galaxy loves our beer.”  Said Cluckgook, an assistant to Saguscheck.”

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base is Saguscheck’s first stop on his tour of Earth’s UFO Bases.  When he met Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, he asked if Claar could arrange for the “Wow!” signal to be broadcast on WGN as an infomercial.  Saguscheck then offered Claar a container of Garuck.

Claar, according to eyewitnesses, drank it, winced, and then said the world wasn’t ready for this “otherworldly beer.”  

“However,” Added Claar, “I’m sure the residents of Bolingbrook will love this beer.  We have a cable channel that is just right for your message.”

“Sure we could have waited to present the ad to The Ohio State University.”  Said Saguscheck, “But your mayor was so nice, and I’ve heard that OSU was more concerned with their football program, than with deciphering our ad.  It was a simple HD signal, after all.”

No human has seen the broadcast version, but according to sources in the local extraterrestrial community, the ad starts with a shot of a female being sitting in pool of boiling mud.  She holds a container of Garuck and says some people settle for the pleasure of burning mud.  She takes a gulp, and then a male and a third sex being rise up from the mud.  The woman replies that she doesn’t like to settle.

“It was quite a racy ad at the time.”  Said Cluckgook.  “I think it would be like one of your females talking about birth control to a group of men.  That seems to drive one of your broadcasters into a mating frenzy.”

When asked to comment, an anonymous BCTV staff member said, “Come on.  Do you really think Roger Claar would broadcast top secret videos on BCTV.  We do have viewers!”

When this reporter contacted Claar’s office, a receptionist said he was on the phone and did not wish to be disturbed.  

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “No, I’m not spying on you!  You guys just aren’t as clever as you think you are!”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook closes haunted intersection
New blog chastises sexist Bigfoot believers
Interplanetary network drops Rush
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/9/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.