Sunday, February 12, 2012

Men in Blue save Mayor Claar from ‘Santorum’ prank

Photo by Gage Skidmore

By Reporter X

Two teenage extraterrestrials were arrested for attempting to dump “Santorum” on Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar’s home.

“Santorum,” a vile fluid that cannot be described in a family friendly publication, is named after former Senator Rick Santorum.  It was named by Dan Savage in protest of Santorum’s antigay statements.

The aliens were inspired to dump the fluid on Mayor Roger Claar’s home following Santorum’s republican primary and caucus victories in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado.

“Roger is always telling us visitors how Mitt Romney is a great candidate for world leader.”  Said Guido.  “It really annoyed us.  So when we heard about Santorum’s wins, we thought it would be great to dump ‘Santorum’ on his home!”

“We were bored.”  Protested Qilgo.  “There’s nothing for us to do at Clow UFO Base.”

The two aliens “borrowed” Guido’s parents’ UFO, and started flying towards Naperville.

“You would be surprised how much ‘Santorum’ there is in your DuPage County.”  Said Qilgo.

Fortunately for the residents of Naperville, the aliens’ craft was met by two X-237 US Intercepters and returned to Clow.  The Men in Blue then arrested the two teens, telling them they were charged with illegal sample collecting and vehicle theft.

“We told them we were bored.”  Said Guido.  “They didn’t care.”

After two hours confined in an interrogation room, Mayor Roger Claar met with the youths.

According to the two, Claar said, “You two are at risk of being rendered to the Martian Colonies for enhanced questioning.”

The youths, by their own account, tried to simulate human tears and beg Claar not to send them to the Martian Colonies.

“We knew humans became really mean in the last 11 years, but this was too scary!  Even for them!”  Said Guido.

Claar allegedly then told them, “Fortunately, I have a program for at risk youth like you.  Humanoid Corrective Learning.  It is my own private interstellar charity dedicated to helping bored teenagers see the error of your ways.  It will involve days of talking about right and wrong, followed by some special field trips.  If you get bored, just remember that there will never be a dull moment on Mars!  That might persuade you to appreciate boredom, or find a more constructive way to deal with your boredom.”

The youths agreed to participate in HCL.  

Claar then added, “I’d better not catch you voting for Santorum.  Only humans can vote in this election, and, if my party has its way, not all humans will be able to vote in this election!”

The youths’ parents allegedly told Claar that they appreciated his mercy, and then donated to HCL.

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs told The Babbler that Savage was investigated and cleared of any involvement in the hoax.

Santorum could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson said the former senator would work to make it illegal for The Babbler’s insurance plan to cover birth control.

When this reporter called Claar, he answered, “Bonnie’s people are wrong!  My daughter travels to Bolingbrook once a month to work for H2O, and she works over the Internet for the rest of the month.  She earns her salary!  If they want a social media war with me fine.  I also have a web site, a Facebook page, and if I have to learn how to use Twitter, I will!  They may think they have an army, but I am The Hulk!”

Also in The Babbler:

Wooly Rhino spotted in Bolingbrook
Pet psychic: Dogs spreading anti-cat propaganda through the media
Demonic possession declines in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/15/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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