Sunday, February 26, 2012

Clow UFO Base officials review security procedures following YouTube UFO landing video

By Reporter X

A YouTube video of a UFO landing in New Mexico is prompting a security review at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base.

“I can’t go into too many details,” said an anonymous source, “but either the ship’s cloaking field failed, or the camera person somehow managed to get past the base’s cloaking shields.”

The video, uploaded to YouTube on 2/20/12, is footage from a car chasing a descending UFO.  After several seconds, the UFO stops, and then lands behind a building.  The camera person manages to get a close up of the craft before it was obscured.

Sources tell The Babbler that UFO Bases around the world are reviewing their cloaking fields, and examining their security perimeters.  

“We’re the largest urban UFO base in the world.”  Said John, who asked that we not use his last name.  “We can’t afford to have a breach like this.  There would be more than 5 videos of the object, and we couldn’t pass it off as CGI.  We could be lucky in this case because there is only one video of the craft.”

Part of the security review involves randomly asking residents if they can see a craft near Clow.  Donald Parker, a long time Bolingbrook resident, claims he was at the stoplight on Boughton and Weber RD, and saw man wearing a dark coat and “enhanced sunglasses” tapped on his window.

“This big man pointed towards the sky, and asked if I could see anything.  I said no, just the sky.  He smiled and said, ‘Good answer!’”

Deanna Carter, also of Bolingbrook, said she was shopping that the Promenade when a security officer pointed at an airplane flying above.

“He asked if I noticed anything unusual about the craft.  I said no.  He said, ‘Good answer.’”

In additional to quizzing residents, Clow officials are also inspecting the cloaking devices of all ships.

“I realize this is happening at all bases, but it is still ridiculous!”  Said Bao Woli of GJ 1214D.  “Even though the video quality is poor, I can clearly see the US Air Force symbol on the craft.  It is obviously a human-Commonbeing hybrid craft!  We are being inconvenienced because your civilization hasn’t perfected our cloaking technology!”

In additional to the global security review, the skeptical movement is mobilizing to “debunk” the UFO video.

Sharon Hill of the Doubtful News wrote, “ It’s a hoax to get web hits. Their Facebook site is a joke. But, it has over 5000 “likes” and the video is popular. I sort of fear that even though people suspect these things are not real, they see them often enough and become complacent. And, they pass it to their friends, some of which really do accept them as real.”

YouTube skeptics have also noted that the landscape resembles Northern Europe, not the Southwest desert.  It is possible, some experts say, that the grounds within the cloaking field have more moisture than the surrounding area.

Sources with connections to the New World Order say there is a search to find the people who made the video.  Because they are confident the video will be “debunked,” there are no plans to have the video pulled.

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar replied, “You know, I should arrange for a campaign stop in New Mexico.  I’m sure there are plenty of constituents vacationing there, and they would like to hear me talk against a beautiful desert background!”

Also in The Babbler:

Winged Bigfoot spotted in Lisle
Mayor Emanuel: I don’t see Chicago mentioned in the First Amendment!
Fermilab warns their neutrinos not to exceed the speed of light
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Richard Dawkins treated for “slavery gene” at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Famed British evolutionary biologist and outspoken atheist Richard Dawkins was treated at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base for a “slavery gene.”

“Professor Dawkins is recovering from emergency gene therapy.”  Said spokesperson Roberta Franson.  “After all he has done for to promote evolution among humanity, the least we could do was respond to his request to change his genetic code.”

Sources say that during an interview with The Sunday Telegraph, Dawkins learned that some of his ancestors owned slaves in Jamaica.  The revelation so shocked Dawkins, that he later contacted MI12 and demanded to be taken to Clow UFO Base for genetic treatment.  The sources say that he wanted to have his latent “slavery gene” reprogramed.

“I think it is telling that Professor Dawkins could have had free treatment at any of Britain's UFO bases.”  Said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Instead he choose to come to the largest urban UFO base in the world, located in America!  He was willing to be probed in exchange for the excellent treatment he received here.”

The same sources say Dawkins came to Clow on the recommendation of noted atheist Professor PZ Myers.  The professor, according to the sources, has worked with alien scientists to give them a better understanding of human genetics.

“Sure, they publicly disagree about the evolution of extraterrestrial intelligence.”  Said one source.  “Really, they’re good friends, and he trusts PZ Myers with his genetic code.”

When this reporter called The Richard Dawkins Foundation for confirmation, a man who claimed to be Dawkins answered the phone.  He denied believing in UFOs, having a “slavery gene,” or ever visiting Bolingbrook, IL.

“You should read my blog post on this dreadful subject, and then take course in genetics.”  Dawkins replied.  “Then you will see that your publication is of the same lineage as The Telegraph.  Maybe then you will decide that you are fit enough for a real job and leave me alone!”

When Myers was asked to comment, he simply replied, “I don’t care what you write about me, I will never link to your web page!”

Also in The Babbler:

Demonic Teens picket H2O
Source: Santorum also front runner to replace Pope
Trustee Leroy Brown denies planning coup against Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/23/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Web Exclusive: Babbler Webmaster speaks at Chicago Skepticamp!

Last month, our webmaster addressed the Chicago Skeptics at Skepticamp Chicago 2012.  To our amazement, they released the video.  Let us know what you think.

Poe and Me from Chicago Skeptics on Vimeo.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Men in Blue save Mayor Claar from ‘Santorum’ prank

Photo by Gage Skidmore

By Reporter X

Two teenage extraterrestrials were arrested for attempting to dump “Santorum” on Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar’s home.

“Santorum,” a vile fluid that cannot be described in a family friendly publication, is named after former Senator Rick Santorum.  It was named by Dan Savage in protest of Santorum’s antigay statements.

The aliens were inspired to dump the fluid on Mayor Roger Claar’s home following Santorum’s republican primary and caucus victories in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado.

“Roger is always telling us visitors how Mitt Romney is a great candidate for world leader.”  Said Guido.  “It really annoyed us.  So when we heard about Santorum’s wins, we thought it would be great to dump ‘Santorum’ on his home!”

“We were bored.”  Protested Qilgo.  “There’s nothing for us to do at Clow UFO Base.”

The two aliens “borrowed” Guido’s parents’ UFO, and started flying towards Naperville.

“You would be surprised how much ‘Santorum’ there is in your DuPage County.”  Said Qilgo.

Fortunately for the residents of Naperville, the aliens’ craft was met by two X-237 US Intercepters and returned to Clow.  The Men in Blue then arrested the two teens, telling them they were charged with illegal sample collecting and vehicle theft.

“We told them we were bored.”  Said Guido.  “They didn’t care.”

After two hours confined in an interrogation room, Mayor Roger Claar met with the youths.

According to the two, Claar said, “You two are at risk of being rendered to the Martian Colonies for enhanced questioning.”

The youths, by their own account, tried to simulate human tears and beg Claar not to send them to the Martian Colonies.

“We knew humans became really mean in the last 11 years, but this was too scary!  Even for them!”  Said Guido.

Claar allegedly then told them, “Fortunately, I have a program for at risk youth like you.  Humanoid Corrective Learning.  It is my own private interstellar charity dedicated to helping bored teenagers see the error of your ways.  It will involve days of talking about right and wrong, followed by some special field trips.  If you get bored, just remember that there will never be a dull moment on Mars!  That might persuade you to appreciate boredom, or find a more constructive way to deal with your boredom.”

The youths agreed to participate in HCL.  

Claar then added, “I’d better not catch you voting for Santorum.  Only humans can vote in this election, and, if my party has its way, not all humans will be able to vote in this election!”

The youths’ parents allegedly told Claar that they appreciated his mercy, and then donated to HCL.

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs told The Babbler that Savage was investigated and cleared of any involvement in the hoax.

Santorum could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson said the former senator would work to make it illegal for The Babbler’s insurance plan to cover birth control.

When this reporter called Claar, he answered, “Bonnie’s people are wrong!  My daughter travels to Bolingbrook once a month to work for H2O, and she works over the Internet for the rest of the month.  She earns her salary!  If they want a social media war with me fine.  I also have a web site, a Facebook page, and if I have to learn how to use Twitter, I will!  They may think they have an army, but I am The Hulk!”

Also in The Babbler:

Wooly Rhino spotted in Bolingbrook
Pet psychic: Dogs spreading anti-cat propaganda through the media
Demonic possession declines in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/15/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Schrodinger’s cat terrorizes Chicagoland bloggers!

Rare photo of Schrodinger's cat

Several Chicago area bloggers report being attacked by Schrodinger’s cat!

“I wanted to write a post about quantum healing.”  Said a blogger from Higher State of Chicago blog. “Then this weird looking cat poped up in from of my computer and hissed at me.  I told him I wouldn’t make the post, and then it vanished.  Sure it was 3 am, but I know what I saw!”

Long denied by science, Schrodinger’s cat is an unfortunate cat who, as the result of a quantum mechanics experiment, is both alive and dead.  Some experts say that the experiment turned the cat into permanent quantum wave.  This allows the cat to appear at any location in the universe instantaneously.  

Adam, from the Chicago Nice Guys Blog, described a horrific encounter with Schrodinger’s cat.  He said he was trying to write a blog post about Schrodinger’s rapist, the belief that when a woman meets a male stranger, she is not sure of the man’s intentions.

“I was writing about how it is absolutely ridiculous that I can’t chat with a woman on the L or a dark alley without her worrying if I'm going to attack her.  Then this weird cat appears.  After I got over my fright, I saw that it was looking at the screen.  I had just typed ‘Schrodinger’s rapist.’  Then it looked at me.  I said, ‘What’s it to you?  Schrodinger’s rapist is unfair to all nice guys!’”

After arguing with the cat for a several seconds, things turned ugly.

“I told it that it was obviously a man-hating female cat who only wants human girls to date jerks!  Next think I know, it scratched both sides of my face at once.  With only one paw!  I figured if it could do that, it could scratch my internal organs and kill me!”

Adam deleted the term “Schrodinger’s rapist,” and the cat vanished.

“I’m still right about women, but I will make sure never to invoke the wrath of Schrodinger’s cat!”

When asked to comment, the Chicago Animal Care and Control receptionist laughed and hung up the phone.

Physicists doubt the eyewitness reports of Schrodinger’s cat.  

In a form e-mail to The Babbler, Ethan Siegel replied, “Schrodinger’s cat was a thought experiment, not a real one.  No cats were ever harmed.  Even if someone tried the experiment, it wouldn’t work because geiger counter and the cat would count as observers.  So the cat would either be alive or dead.  Not both!  Please read my blog more carefully before sending me an e-mail!”

Bloggers from outside of the Chicago area deny seeing the cat after writing about about Schrodinger’s rapist.

“Wow!”  Said Natalie Reed, from Sincerely Natalie Reed.  “What do they put in Bolingbrook's water supply to make you come up with a story like that?

During the Skype conversation, an air horn sounded in the background.

“Hey Natalie!”  Someone screamed.  “It’s Crommunist!  I’m shuffling towards you!”  This was followed by loud shuffling sounds and Crommunist's assurances that he was safe.

“Now that’s over the top!”  Screamed Reed.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook police assure public as blue goo falls from the sky
Mayor Claar: No political ads allowed on UFOs
Bolingbrook to crack down on sky noise
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/8/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.