Monday, January 16, 2012

Red Deer Reporter: Harper backs down against gay extraterrestrials


From the editor: The Babbler is proud to announce our new sister publication, The Red Deer Reporter.  Based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada’s newest tabloid it is “not a halfway publication.”  The staff promises to “melt the lies” and tell the truth about “God’s favorite Canadian City.”  They promise run stories about oil monsters, atheist Bigfoot cults, and the world’s 10th largest urban UFO base.  While they’re working on getting their web site up and running, we’ve agreed to feature some of their stories on our web site.  So lets check them out, eh?
By Reporter Zed
Faced with a possible invasion by angry gay aliens, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has decided to recognize all gay marriages.
“The Canadian Government will recognize all same-sex marriages performed in Canada.”  Said Paul DuPage, spokesperson for Red Deer Off-world Consulate.  “Even foreigners whose marriages wouldn’t be recognized on their home worlds.”
The controversy when a foreign lesbian couple tried to get a divorce.  A federal lawyer argued that the couple’s Canadian wedding was invalid because the couple’s home countries do not recognize gay marriages.  
This argument created an unexpected backlash from Canada’s extraterrestrial community.
“Do you realize how much money I spent to get a Canadian Gay wedding?”  Exclaimed Po Kock, from Barnard’s Star.  “Even with your government’s subsidy, I had to fly my partner here, hire an appropriate official, and find uniquely Canadian food that isn’t covered in toxic tree sap.  Now Harper is trying to tell me that I wasted my money!”
Ko Glock, of Kepler 109A, was even more furious.
“I was trying to enlighten your officials on the importance of recognizing the marriage of a third sex individual.  I thought I was making progress, but then Harper backtracked to only recognizing heterosexual marriages.  What kind of backwards country won’t allow marriages for the other two sexes?  If I wanted to go to a backwards political subdivision, I could have chosen one of the US’s UFO bases?  I thought Canada was enlightened.”
A source within the Consulate said the issue quickly escalated.
“The gays were going to send battleships to attack Canada.”  Said the source.  “Obama said he would help, but it would take awhile to mobilize the interstellar fleet.  I guess we shouldn’t have backed down on climate change without consulting with Hillary.”
The source said the choice would soon be obvious.
“We could either recognize foreigners who get same-sex marriages in Canada, or Canada would become one big crater.  We had to think about it for a bit.”
The new law should be in affect in a matter of months.  The gay aliens have decided to hold off on any attack until the bill has a chance to clear parliament.
Harper could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson for the Red Deer Conservative Party did comment.  He denied any aliens involvement with Harper’s decision to change the law.
“We don’t care for the foreign gays, but we do care for their money.”
Also in The Red Tree Reporter:
Climate change will make winters only severely uncomfortable
Border fence could separate Bigfoot families
Keystone XL pipeline will filter out oil monsters
God to smite the rest of Canada on 1/20/12


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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