Sunday, January 22, 2012

Opposition parties respond to State of The Village Address

Each year, The Babbler provides space for Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to the State of Village address.  This year the Roger Claar Party, The Zero Growth Party, and The Skepchick Party accepted our offer.

The Roger Claar Party: A great mayor deserves a great party

Wow.  I’m still wiping away the tears after that great speech.  Roger sure knows how to move a crowd.  We are so lucky to have Roger as our Mayor.

Thanks to Roger’s bold leadership, we have new businesses in the area, which means more jobs and more revenue for the things that make Bolingbrook great!

Still, no thanks to Obama, we have to make sacrifices.  Roger can only do so much.  That’s why he’s asking for our ideas on how to save money.

We have a simple idea.  How about the village trustees return their village subsidy checks?  If anything, they should be paying the village for the honor of serving Roger.  

Are they going to?  No.  They’re not willing to go the extra mile for Roger.  Because they won’t, they’re putting the village at risk for a Mayor Bonnie!  We can’t afford a Mayor Bonnie!

So this year, let’s appreciate all that Roger has done for us.  Then next year you should vote for the only party that will pay for the privilege of serving the man who is Bolingbrook.

(Note:  The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar, and Claar has repeatedly denounced the party.)

Zero Growth Party: The population is too damn high!

Mayor Roger Claar is right.  We can’t afford to serve a population of over 70,000 people.  Roger says we need to make cuts or expect cutbacks in basic services.  

Here’s our suggestion!  Cut back on the population!  If we can’t afford to serve 70,000 people, we need evict some people.

Our plan is simple:

  • Deport anyone with any kind of criminal record.  Have a parking ticket?  Go to a city of other poor parkers
  • Raise the taxes!  The beer industry knows that people will like your product if it is more expensive.  By raising our taxes, we improve the perception of Bolingbrook, and remove undesirable residents.  
  • Require application for residency.  This will get rid of the impulse immigrants to Bolingbrook, and result in a high quality of resident.

By following this plan, we can reduce the number of resident, and have a high quality of service from the village, without hiring new employees.  

I’m all for a smaller Bolingbrook.  Vote for us next year if you are too!

The Skepchick Party: Women and good men rock!

Illinois may no longer have a Skepchick blogger, but there still plenty of skeptical women in Bolingbrook.  It’s time that we had a voice in village hall.

Mayor Roger Claar wants our ideas for improving Bolingbrook.  Unfortunately, he can’t ban The Babbler.  He can, however, implement our ideas!

  • Convert The Bolingbrook Golf Club into a science museum and awesome bar!  Sure golf is fun, but it’s also great to educate our children about the wonders of science.  Let’s use the land to invest in our future.  Plus, with the help of the Skepchicks, we can turn The Nest into the best bar ever!  No one knows pubs better than skeptics!  Our drinks, like the Buzzed Aldrin,  will be the talk of the suburbs!  Plus we’ll have great music acts like George Hrab, Tim Minchin, and First Aid Kit!  What’s not to like? 
  • Exile Drew Peterson!
  • Pass anti-trolling ordinances!  Too many woman and decent men are harassed by Internet trolls.  Let’s make sure none of them live in Bolingbrook!

If you like these ideas, then vote for us next year, and we’ll work to make Bolingbrook the most awesome suburb EVER!

Also in The Babbler

Claar:  This snowfall did require plowing.  But not all do!
Bolingbrook Bigfoots demand less Internet coverage
The Babbler offers condolences to former Mayor Ed Rosenthal and his family
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/26/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Brian_E said...

The Nest has no chance of best bar in Bolingbrook now that the Tilted Kilt is open just down the street. Still, it should be turned into the first intergalactic bar and grill and serve the fine interstellar visitors to Clow Airport.