Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Gingrich and Paul fail to excite at interplanetary Republican debate

Despite the hype, the Republican Interplanetary debate, broadcast from Clow UFO Base, between Newt Gingrich and Rep. Ron Paul failed to inspire the audience.

“I leave Earth for a few decades, and these two are the best the Republicans have to offer?”  Said Paul Gillman, a former abductee who now travels to Mars for business.

The Interplanetary Republican Primary is for human Republicans who live off Earth but within the solar system.  Most are Black Level scientists, covert operatives, or abductees. 

Both men started off implying they would focus on Mitt Romney, who refused to participate in the debate.

Paul said that as much as he wanted to talk about “a serial hypocrite and Washington insider,” he would instead talk about “a man who wants to turn over the country to interstellar government run banks!”

Gingrich replied that as entertaining as it would be to debate a man “who’s ideas are so out of this world that he shouldn’t be considered a resident of the solar system,” he would instead deal with, “a man who thinks God is going to give him a planet.”

Both candidates, however, did agree that Americans should be kept in the dark about the existence of extraterrestrials on Earth.

Gingrich said, “Real Americans would be shocked when they realize how many aliens have an incorrect understanding of our Lord.  Atheists would use this knowledge of alien religions to undermine traditional values, and destroy civilization.”

Paul agreed, but for different reasons.

“If people knew that there was a hostile alien civilization on Mars, it would destroy our country.  Americans would demand a global defense system.  That means government spending.  Then they would want everyone to work together to protect humanity.  That means a one world government even worse than the North America Union, It also means the end of borders, and the creation of the Worldo currency!  It’s better to lie to the American people, than to end America!”

During the audience question and answer section, Donald Emerson, a scientist who works on Europa, asked both candidates to respond to the charge that they are using racism to promote their campaigns.

Paul, who answered first, defended his newsletters.

“I appeal to people from all across the political spectrum.  The problem is that I have to appease people all over the political spectrum.”  Paul continued, “So I published newsletters with comments to please the racial realists out there.  Then I tell the blacks that I’ll get rid of drug laws, and then to everyone else, I look like a promoter of free speech.”

Gingrich, in contrast, embraced the charge of racism.

“In every great piece of science fiction, the superior races have a single culture and a single ethnicity.  I mean, liberal producers almost destroyed Star Trek by introducing diverse Vulcans in Enterprise.  If humanity is to become a superior race, we need to make sure that the Judeo-Christian civilization is victorious.  We don’t want Muslims to win.  That would bring about a “Day the Earth Stood Still” scenario.”

During the debate, the Anonymous Collective hacked into the studio’s network.  They then projected a video message from Angie the Anti-theist onto the big screens.

“We’re over a decade into the 21st Century and The Republicans are endorsing child labor, torture, and getting rid of birth control?  Are you guys a bunch of sociopaths?  Do any of you care about the 99 percent?”

After Clow officials regained control of the network, Both candidates shook their heads.

“I’m glad she has the liberty to speak.”  Said Paul.  “But really wish she wouldn’t.”

Gingrich stepped away from the lectern.  He enthusiastically declared that if elected, he would offer the nation’s disabled, gays, and poor minorities to aliens in exchange for fewer white males being abducted.  No one applauded.  

After the debate, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar addressed the media.  Wearing a Mitt Romney button, he offered his spin on the debate.

“This senseless arguing should end after Super Tuesday.  Then we can call unite around Mitt and defeat President Obama.”

Also in The Babbler:

Witch casts sleep spell on Babbler production staff
Young skeptic leads effort to brainwash Chicago teens
Watchdogs of Bolingbrook trapped in the 6th dimension.  
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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