Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Gingrich and Paul fail to excite at interplanetary Republican debate

Despite the hype, the Republican Interplanetary debate, broadcast from Clow UFO Base, between Newt Gingrich and Rep. Ron Paul failed to inspire the audience.

“I leave Earth for a few decades, and these two are the best the Republicans have to offer?”  Said Paul Gillman, a former abductee who now travels to Mars for business.

The Interplanetary Republican Primary is for human Republicans who live off Earth but within the solar system.  Most are Black Level scientists, covert operatives, or abductees. 

Both men started off implying they would focus on Mitt Romney, who refused to participate in the debate.

Paul said that as much as he wanted to talk about “a serial hypocrite and Washington insider,” he would instead talk about “a man who wants to turn over the country to interstellar government run banks!”

Gingrich replied that as entertaining as it would be to debate a man “who’s ideas are so out of this world that he shouldn’t be considered a resident of the solar system,” he would instead deal with, “a man who thinks God is going to give him a planet.”

Both candidates, however, did agree that Americans should be kept in the dark about the existence of extraterrestrials on Earth.

Gingrich said, “Real Americans would be shocked when they realize how many aliens have an incorrect understanding of our Lord.  Atheists would use this knowledge of alien religions to undermine traditional values, and destroy civilization.”

Paul agreed, but for different reasons.

“If people knew that there was a hostile alien civilization on Mars, it would destroy our country.  Americans would demand a global defense system.  That means government spending.  Then they would want everyone to work together to protect humanity.  That means a one world government even worse than the North America Union, It also means the end of borders, and the creation of the Worldo currency!  It’s better to lie to the American people, than to end America!”

During the audience question and answer section, Donald Emerson, a scientist who works on Europa, asked both candidates to respond to the charge that they are using racism to promote their campaigns.

Paul, who answered first, defended his newsletters.

“I appeal to people from all across the political spectrum.  The problem is that I have to appease people all over the political spectrum.”  Paul continued, “So I published newsletters with comments to please the racial realists out there.  Then I tell the blacks that I’ll get rid of drug laws, and then to everyone else, I look like a promoter of free speech.”

Gingrich, in contrast, embraced the charge of racism.

“In every great piece of science fiction, the superior races have a single culture and a single ethnicity.  I mean, liberal producers almost destroyed Star Trek by introducing diverse Vulcans in Enterprise.  If humanity is to become a superior race, we need to make sure that the Judeo-Christian civilization is victorious.  We don’t want Muslims to win.  That would bring about a “Day the Earth Stood Still” scenario.”

During the debate, the Anonymous Collective hacked into the studio’s network.  They then projected a video message from Angie the Anti-theist onto the big screens.

“We’re over a decade into the 21st Century and The Republicans are endorsing child labor, torture, and getting rid of birth control?  Are you guys a bunch of sociopaths?  Do any of you care about the 99 percent?”

After Clow officials regained control of the network, Both candidates shook their heads.

“I’m glad she has the liberty to speak.”  Said Paul.  “But really wish she wouldn’t.”

Gingrich stepped away from the lectern.  He enthusiastically declared that if elected, he would offer the nation’s disabled, gays, and poor minorities to aliens in exchange for fewer white males being abducted.  No one applauded.  

After the debate, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar addressed the media.  Wearing a Mitt Romney button, he offered his spin on the debate.

“This senseless arguing should end after Super Tuesday.  Then we can call unite around Mitt and defeat President Obama.”

Also in The Babbler:

Witch casts sleep spell on Babbler production staff
Young skeptic leads effort to brainwash Chicago teens
Watchdogs of Bolingbrook trapped in the 6th dimension.  
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Opposition parties respond to State of The Village Address

Each year, The Babbler provides space for Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to the State of Village address.  This year the Roger Claar Party, The Zero Growth Party, and The Skepchick Party accepted our offer.

The Roger Claar Party: A great mayor deserves a great party

Wow.  I’m still wiping away the tears after that great speech.  Roger sure knows how to move a crowd.  We are so lucky to have Roger as our Mayor.

Thanks to Roger’s bold leadership, we have new businesses in the area, which means more jobs and more revenue for the things that make Bolingbrook great!

Still, no thanks to Obama, we have to make sacrifices.  Roger can only do so much.  That’s why he’s asking for our ideas on how to save money.

We have a simple idea.  How about the village trustees return their village subsidy checks?  If anything, they should be paying the village for the honor of serving Roger.  

Are they going to?  No.  They’re not willing to go the extra mile for Roger.  Because they won’t, they’re putting the village at risk for a Mayor Bonnie!  We can’t afford a Mayor Bonnie!

So this year, let’s appreciate all that Roger has done for us.  Then next year you should vote for the only party that will pay for the privilege of serving the man who is Bolingbrook.

(Note:  The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar, and Claar has repeatedly denounced the party.)

Zero Growth Party: The population is too damn high!

Mayor Roger Claar is right.  We can’t afford to serve a population of over 70,000 people.  Roger says we need to make cuts or expect cutbacks in basic services.  

Here’s our suggestion!  Cut back on the population!  If we can’t afford to serve 70,000 people, we need evict some people.

Our plan is simple:

  • Deport anyone with any kind of criminal record.  Have a parking ticket?  Go to a city of other poor parkers
  • Raise the taxes!  The beer industry knows that people will like your product if it is more expensive.  By raising our taxes, we improve the perception of Bolingbrook, and remove undesirable residents.  
  • Require application for residency.  This will get rid of the impulse immigrants to Bolingbrook, and result in a high quality of resident.

By following this plan, we can reduce the number of resident, and have a high quality of service from the village, without hiring new employees.  

I’m all for a smaller Bolingbrook.  Vote for us next year if you are too!

The Skepchick Party: Women and good men rock!

Illinois may no longer have a Skepchick blogger, but there still plenty of skeptical women in Bolingbrook.  It’s time that we had a voice in village hall.

Mayor Roger Claar wants our ideas for improving Bolingbrook.  Unfortunately, he can’t ban The Babbler.  He can, however, implement our ideas!

  • Convert The Bolingbrook Golf Club into a science museum and awesome bar!  Sure golf is fun, but it’s also great to educate our children about the wonders of science.  Let’s use the land to invest in our future.  Plus, with the help of the Skepchicks, we can turn The Nest into the best bar ever!  No one knows pubs better than skeptics!  Our drinks, like the Buzzed Aldrin,  will be the talk of the suburbs!  Plus we’ll have great music acts like George Hrab, Tim Minchin, and First Aid Kit!  What’s not to like? 
  • Exile Drew Peterson!
  • Pass anti-trolling ordinances!  Too many woman and decent men are harassed by Internet trolls.  Let’s make sure none of them live in Bolingbrook!

If you like these ideas, then vote for us next year, and we’ll work to make Bolingbrook the most awesome suburb EVER!

Also in The Babbler

Claar:  This snowfall did require plowing.  But not all do!
Bolingbrook Bigfoots demand less Internet coverage
The Babbler offers condolences to former Mayor Ed Rosenthal and his family
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/26/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Babbler to speak at SkeptiCamp Chicago!

The Bolingbrook Babbler will bring much needed open-mindedness to Chicago’s second SkeptiCamp on 1/28/12.

“We are thankful for the opportunity to talk about our readers to an audience they may not normally read our publication.”  Said Publisher Chris Olson.  “After Saturday, these low level operatives will get a better understand of Big Skepticism, and know that they are pawns in an alien conspiracy to spread critical thinking.”

Initially, Olson wanted Anti-psychic Kitty, the most skeptical creature on Earth, to speak at the convention through an interpreter.  The Chicago Skeptics expressed their doubt, saying they couldn’t be sure it was Anti-psychic Kitty talking, or the interpreter pretending to speak for APK.  

According to an anonymous source within Chicago Skeptics, “Since this is an open convention, it would just be better for you guys to speak for yourselves, and leave the cat out of it.”

Chicago SkeptiCamp will feature 14 speakers, a video conference with SkeptiCamp Madrid, and a trivia contest.  Admission is free, but all participants are encouraged to volunteer with the organizing of the event.  Speaker slots are closed, but people can still register to attend.

Editor Sara Langston encourages Babbler readers to attend this event.

“We could use the support in what could be a hostile environment.”  Said Langston.  “Then we can keep the skeptics on their toes with our alternative questions!”

A skeptic, who asked not to be named, is looking forward to The Babbler’s presentation.

“Sure it’s OK to be openminded to learn the truth.  Though sometimes it’s OK to laugh at the stupid, and I can’t wait to laugh at The Babbler!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Red Deer Reporter: Harper backs down against gay extraterrestrials

From the editor: The Babbler is proud to announce our new sister publication, The Red Deer Reporter.  Based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada’s newest tabloid it is “not a halfway publication.”  The staff promises to “melt the lies” and tell the truth about “God’s favorite Canadian City.”  They promise run stories about oil monsters, atheist Bigfoot cults, and the world’s 10th largest urban UFO base.  While they’re working on getting their web site up and running, we’ve agreed to feature some of their stories on our web site.  So lets check them out, eh?
By Reporter Zed
Faced with a possible invasion by angry gay aliens, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has decided to recognize all gay marriages.
“The Canadian Government will recognize all same-sex marriages performed in Canada.”  Said Paul DuPage, spokesperson for Red Deer Off-world Consulate.  “Even foreigners whose marriages wouldn’t be recognized on their home worlds.”
The controversy when a foreign lesbian couple tried to get a divorce.  A federal lawyer argued that the couple’s Canadian wedding was invalid because the couple’s home countries do not recognize gay marriages.  
This argument created an unexpected backlash from Canada’s extraterrestrial community.
“Do you realize how much money I spent to get a Canadian Gay wedding?”  Exclaimed Po Kock, from Barnard’s Star.  “Even with your government’s subsidy, I had to fly my partner here, hire an appropriate official, and find uniquely Canadian food that isn’t covered in toxic tree sap.  Now Harper is trying to tell me that I wasted my money!”
Ko Glock, of Kepler 109A, was even more furious.
“I was trying to enlighten your officials on the importance of recognizing the marriage of a third sex individual.  I thought I was making progress, but then Harper backtracked to only recognizing heterosexual marriages.  What kind of backwards country won’t allow marriages for the other two sexes?  If I wanted to go to a backwards political subdivision, I could have chosen one of the US’s UFO bases?  I thought Canada was enlightened.”
A source within the Consulate said the issue quickly escalated.
“The gays were going to send battleships to attack Canada.”  Said the source.  “Obama said he would help, but it would take awhile to mobilize the interstellar fleet.  I guess we shouldn’t have backed down on climate change without consulting with Hillary.”
The source said the choice would soon be obvious.
“We could either recognize foreigners who get same-sex marriages in Canada, or Canada would become one big crater.  We had to think about it for a bit.”
The new law should be in affect in a matter of months.  The gay aliens have decided to hold off on any attack until the bill has a chance to clear parliament.
Harper could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson for the Red Deer Conservative Party did comment.  He denied any aliens involvement with Harper’s decision to change the law.
“We don’t care for the foreign gays, but we do care for their money.”
Also in The Red Tree Reporter:
Climate change will make winters only severely uncomfortable
Border fence could separate Bigfoot families
Keystone XL pipeline will filter out oil monsters
God to smite the rest of Canada on 1/20/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Anti-Rebecca Watson convention expects record crowds

Fueled by controversies surrounding Skepchick founder Rebecca Watson, organizers expect record attendance at this year’s AntiRebeccaWatsonCon.

“We’re going to have more than 50 people this year!”  Said founder Max Cornwall at an organizational meeting attended by this reporter.  “Two years ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed we would get this big.”  

Each year, critics of Watson gather in Lisle, IL to express their “aggressive dislike” of her.  The convention is free, but anyone who wants to speak has to pay a speaker’s fee.    

Last year, Watson posted a video criticizing a man who entered the elevator she was on, and invited her to his room.  This sparked what later became know as Elevatorgate.

“Any man should be able to go to an enclosed space and invite a drunk woman to his hotel room.”  Said Bob Z. McGill, one of the organizers.  “Hello, college spring break?”

A man who claimed to be a representative of the UNI Freethinkers and Inquirers, said Watson is too harsh towards women who disagree with her about Elevatorgate.

“All Stef did was make a small little blog post!”  Cried the man.  “Did Rebecca listen?  No!  She called her out in front of CFI!  She said that poor sweet innocent Stef was part of the problem!”  The man sobbed some more.  “I’m sorry, I can’t go on.  But just because you don’t agree with that woman, doesn’t make you a misogynist!”

Doug X. Paulson, another organizer, disagreed.

“Miswatsony leads to Misogyny.”  Said J.P. Truman.  “Sure you can hate Rebecca and still like women, but you’re not good at one of them.”

After a heated exchange, Cronwall calmed the organizers by saying they all agree that David Mabus should be barred from the convention.

“I can’t tell from his letter if he wanted to be the keynote speaker, or if he wanted to kill us.”  Said Cronwall.  “Why take the chance?”

Lydia Riversong then said that the organizers needed to be more diverse.

“We should also focus on Jen McCreight, Greta Christina, Stephanie Zvan, Ophelia Benson, and that bearded lesbian PZ Myers!  Rebecca is just part of a larger problem.”

Cornwall tabled the proposal, saying that it was important not to dilute the convention’s important issues.

After a short argument, the organizers voted to accept Abbie Smith’s application to be the keynote speaker.  Smith, through Skype, voiced her appreciation, and announced that she would also hold a special workshop.

“We’re going to come up with new names for Rebecca Watson!  I can’t wait to see if anyone can top Twatson!  This will be my answer to the Skepchicks’ angry vagina craft time!”

Bed Radford, who may be the focus of “dollgate,” also announced that he would speak at the convention.

“As sure as dolls have pink skin, the sky is purple, and Bigfoot is unproven, Rebecca Watson is wrong!  I can’t wait to elaborate on my rebuttal to Rebecca!”

Cornwall then announced that “Elevator Guy” will be at the convention.  He will host his special version of “The Dating Game” on a freight elevator.

“All the participants will sign waver forms.”  Cronwall assured the organizers.

Cornwall then commented on the evolution of convention.

“We used to have a large contingent of organizers who were so-called believers in ‘woo.’  This year, it seems the skeptics and atheists are leading the charge against Rebecca.”

After the meeting, an anonymous female organizer approached this reporter.

“Sure we have some sexism issues to work out, but that doesn’t mean Rebecca isn’t a (expletive deleted)!”

Also in The Babbler:

Military joins search for illegal South Elgin UFO base
Iran threatens Bolingbrook women who post without wearing burkas
Claar: We are not building a microwave weapon!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/13/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.