Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Babbler’s Shocking Predictions for 2013!

Will Mayor Claar face a coup in 2013?
Once again, our psychics nailed their predictions for 2012.  We predicted that Michelle Bachmann would lose Minnesota in the Republican Primary. We also predicted that skeptics would act smug as the world didn’t end on 12/21/12.

Sure not all of our predictions came true, but predicting the future is not an exact science.  Sometimes the act of publishing our predictions can prevent these events from happening.  So consider these predictions as a public service.  We’ve scouted the future so you can decide to change course if you want to.

With that in mind, it is time to unveil The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2013!


Mayor Roger Claar easily wins reelection in 2013.  The only surprise will be that long time opponent Bonnie Alicea will remain silent during the campaign.

The silence will end the day after Claar is sworn into office.

Alicea will go to the Bolingbrook Police department and demand that they arrest Claar and appoint her mayor.  She insists that she helped negotiate the officers’ current contract, though no one remembers her helping them.

“You owe me!”  She will yell.

After several minutes, two plain clothed officers will accompany her to Claar’s home.  Bonnie will wait on the sidewalk as the officers knock on his door.  Claar will answer the door.

“Bonnie is really upset that you’re the mayor.”  The first officer will say.  “Do you think you could step down and appoint her mayor?”

“No.”  Claar will reply.

“Are you sure?”  The second officer will say.  “It will make her happy if you step down.”

“I said no.”  Claar will reply.  After a short pause, Claar will ask, “Are both of you on duty?”


“Would both of you like to come in and have a drink?”


The first officer will turn towards Alicea and say, “We tried.”

Alicea will scream as the officers step inside.


Idle No More, a Native American rights movement in Canada, will continue to grow in 2013.  To end the movement, Fox News Canada will accuse the First Nations of trying to start a zombie apocalypse.  

“Some people say that The so-called First Nations are making deals with satanic forces to raise an undead army and create Hell on Earth.  They will unleash this army unless we give them our homes, money, and cities.”

The story gains some traction in Canada, until the uncanny similarity to the plot of the Deadlands Role-playing game is pointed out.

In the United States, however, the story continues to gain in popularity.  When the Canadian government finally negotiates with the First Nations over INM’s grievances, 90% of Fox viewers will support an invasion of Canada to “save the world from Zombies!”


Illinois’s drought will continue into 2013 and Lake Michigan will drop to record low levels.  So low that Chicago’s intake cribs will be on dry land.

At that point, Illinois American Water accepts Northern Will County Water Agency’s $34 million offer to buy their water pipeline.

“We get $34 million, and they get a dry pipeline.”  A Illinois American Water spokesperson will say.  “It all works out.”

While Lake side communities try to decide how to develop the new land, Michigan will announce they have annexed the new land under their Emergency Management act.

Illinois will contest Michigan’s claim, by the end of 2013, national guard troops from Illinois, Wisconsin, Indiana, and Michigan will try to enforce each state’s land claim.  

President Obama will be desperately trying to avoid a new civil war.  Congress will be trying to undermine his authority.


Following a national trend, outspoken Men’s Rights sympathizer and atheist activist Justin Vacula will convert to Catholicism.  Two months later, he will be excommunicated.  Vacula will retaliate by sending 95 tweets to the Pope.


A Topix user, claiming to be Reporter X, will predict that Bolingbrook resident Geroge Smith will be acquitted of attempted child abduction.  Despite numerous such predictions, the case will go to trial.


Bloggers Thunderf00t and Sasha Pixlee will agree to face off in a mixed martial arts match.

Thunderf00t will spend months posting taunting videos.  He will claim that he will beat the taller and stronger Pixlee by using his knowledge of physics and evolutionary psychology.

“This will be an epic victory of science over feminism!”  Thunderf00t will say.

When the match finally starts, Thunderf00t will scream and charge at Pixlee.  Pixlee will stop him with a jab, and follow with an uppercut.  The uppercut will send Thunderf00t into the hanging scoreboard.  When the match is called, Pixlee will hold the MMA recored for fastest knockout, and the height recored for knocking an opponent into the air.

After the match, Pixlee will be asked if this will finally resolve the deep rifts in the secular community.

“Of course not.”  He will reply.  “All I did was give him a concussion, and when he wakes up, he’ll whine about being a beta male. This match didn’t resolve any of the underling sexism in the secularism community.  The only reason I agreed to this match is so I could donate the prize money to Women Thinking Inc.  Their pro-vaccination campaigns are awesome.  Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go home and cuttle with my kitty because that’s how I roll!”

When Thunderf00t wakes up, he will announce that he has an idea for a video that does not involve making fun of creationists, praising science, attacking feminists, slamming Islam, ridiculing libertarians, or time-lapse photography.


Following the outrage for the death of Peter Parker, Marvel comics will bring the character back.  Unfortunately, “Peter Parker: Hell’s Enforcer” will do little to quell the fans’ anger.

Also in The Babbler:

Clow reminds UFO pilots not to fly drunk this year
Claar: Bigfoot cannot vote in upcoming election
Low risk of snowmen attack this week
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/2/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Radio personality Showbiz Shelly saves Chicago

Sources tell The Babbler that B96 entertainment reporter Showbiz Shelly saved Chicago from destruction at the hands of the Illuminati.  

“We owe our lives to Shelly!”  Said a B96 Intern.  “The next time you appreciate the wonders of Chicago, remember to thank Shelly for saving all of it!”

According to various sources, the Illuminati captured Shelly by diverting her L train car.

“I thought it was odd when I was the only person in the car.”  Said Shelly in a secretly taped conversation.  “Maybe I should have moved, but my first thought was that I could finally enjoy Twitter without someone looking over my shoulder.”

Shelly’s car de-coupled from the rest of the train, and diverted to a secret underground station.  The L’s doors open and four men in black robes approached Shelly.  They said she would be unharmed, and that she had been selected for a very special honor.

“It was like one of those horror moves.”  Said Shelly.  “I figured I’d go with them until I figured out how to escape.”

The men escorted Shelly to a chamber room and left.  Minutes later, a woman with gray hair approached from behind Shelly.  Before Shelly could ask who she was, two men walked in from the front doors.  One wore a red hooded robe. The other, shorter man, wore a white robe.

“Good day.”  The red hooded man allegedly said.  “You have been chosen to participate in a very special quiz competition.  The prize is the fate of your hometowns.  The winner’s city will be spared.  The loser’s city will be destroyed.  If you do not wish to participate, you may leave now, but you will forfeit the match.  If both of you leave, both cities will be destroyed.”

“I thought that was messed up.”  Said Shelly.  “But I grew up in Chicago, and I hate losing!”

After both women agreed, the man continued.  He announced that he had chosen Ophelia Benson as his champion.  Benson, he said, is the blogger behind Butterflies and Wheels, a columnist for Free Inquiry, and the author of three books, including “Why Truth Matters.” with Jeremy Stangroom.

The man then asked “Candidate Shermer” to introduce his champion.  Shermer removed his hood, and, according to the sources, looked like famed skeptic Michael Shermer.

Shermer replied, “I have selected Showbiz Shelly, Chicago’s reigning queen of pop trivia with over 100 wins in B96’s Smackdown contest!”

The man paused.  “I expected you to select a higher caliber champion for this special challenge, Candidate Shermer.”

Shermer smiled.  “I chose her because I expect her to lose.  I want Chicago to be destroyed so it can be rebuilt under the guidance of The University of Chicago’s School of Economics.  Using the principles of disaster capitalism, they will create a Chicago that will be a beacon of libertarian politics!”

“Very clever.”  Said the man.

“Thank you.  My theory of enlightened selfishness will more than prove my worth to the esteemed Illuminati.”

Said Shelly, “That really made me mad.  Yeah I was out of my league, but I really wanted to show that old dude that I am more than a trivia champion.”

After four rounds, the contest ended in a tie.  Both men seemed surprised.

“I am not a pretty face!”  Protested Shelly.  “I am a graduate of Northwestern University’s  Medill School of Journalism.  They forced me to learn more than who is the hottest personality in entertainment.  Now I understand why.”

The man then said there would be a tie-breaking question.

“Name the female folk duo that has never had relationship with each other and recorded a song featuring a more famous female performer.  Showbiz Shelly will go first.”

Shelly replied, I’m not that familiar with folk musicians, but I know Pink worked with a duo for her song, ‘Dear Mr. President.’  I don’t think they were dating each other.  Who where they?  Oh yeah!  The Indigo Girls!  Final answer.”

Benson then replied, “That’s answer is too easy.  You would ask this question, thinking that I don’t keep up with contemporary artists.  Hmm.  Featured doesn’t mean that artist actually sang on the album.  They could have referenced Emmylou Harris in a song.  So my final answer will be First Aid Kit!”

The Man replied, “The correct answer is The Indigo Girls.”

“I felt relieved.” Said Shelly.  “But also said.  Because it mean Ophelia’s home town was going to be destroyed.”

Shermer, however, had other plans.

“This is a trick!”  Exclaimed Shermer.  “Ophelia deliberately lost because she wanted all the men in her hometown to die!  She hates men!”

“I do not-- Er, you’re too enlightened to be fooled Michael.”

“Exactly.  You too understand the power of enlightened selfishness.  Which is why the illuminati must not destroy her hometown.”

“What do you suggest, Candidate Shermer?”  Asked the man.

“I will raise an army of angry male Internet users to destroy you, Ophelia.  Then you will finally appreciate why I am privileged.”

“Not that!”  Benson sarcastically exclaimed.  

“Yes.  After I destroy you, we can talk about rebuilding you!”

Shermer then approached Shelly.

“You bested me, though you may not have intended to.”  Said Shermer.  “Still, you are a worthy woman, and I wish to show my appreciation by having skeptical libertarian sex with you.”

“Um, no.”  Replied Shelly.  “You’re, like, old enough to be my grandfather.”

“I understand an experienced man can be intimidating.  Especially who has learned many techniques from Penn Jillette.”

“Ew!”  Exclaimed Shelly.

Shermer smiled.  “You know how to contact me when you change your mind.”  He then left the room.

The man announced that both cities would be spared, and the women returned to their normal lives.

“Candidate Shermer still has much to learn.”

While Benson and Shelly waited for their rides, they chatted.

“Opheila seems pretty cool.  I don’t agree with everything she says.  Like, she thinks I shouldn’t use the word “smackdown.”  I think that’s going too far, but her heart is in the right place.

Shelly said she was worried about Shermer’s threat.  Benson said not to.

“The worst he can do is take a column I wrote where I briefly mention him and then blow it out of proportion.

Their limousines finally arrived and the two women started to step into them.

“Shelly.”  Said Benson.  “I’ll only say this once.  My name is Ophelia Benson, and I did not smackdown Showbiz Shelly.”

According to the sources, Shelly was taken to B96.  When she tried to explain to her boss what happened, he replied that she wasn’t missing from work, and she gave one of her best on-air performances.  

Benson and Shermer could not be reached for comment.  Shelly’s spokesperson refused to confirm the story, and said Shelly had no plans to return our calls.

Also in The Babbler:

Billions celebrate as the world didn’t end
Koch brothers to bid for Chicago’s public schools
Santa cleared to deliver gifts to Bolingbrook
God spares Bolingbrook in exchange for permanent home for Liberty Temple Full Gospel Church

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Web Exclusive: Chicago’s mentally ill vampires denounce the NRA

Chicago’s mentally ill vampires risked their unlives to speak out against the National Rifle Association’s call for a National Database of the mentally ill.

In a Google+ chat sponsored by the Chicago Vampiric Alliance for the Mentally Ill, members accused the NRA of promoting negative stereotypes.

“The NRA’s proposed database stigmatizes mentally ill mortals and is a death sentence for affected vampires.”  Said Dominique, cofounder of the alliance.  “It will not prevent mass shootings.  It will only destroy lives and unlives.

Member Rose Wine noted that, contrary to popular belief, mentally ill mortals are four times as likely to be victims of violence.  Mentally ill vampires are 20 times as likely to be killed.

Explained Wine, “Vampire overlords around the world believe, without evidence, that mentally ill vampires cannot maintain the veil, and will expose our existence to the mortals.  Many overlords have chosen genocide over treatment, and this is not acceptable!”

The group then described incidents where Chicago’s Overlord had needless ordered the deaths of his mentally ill subjects.

Said Raven, “I had a friend who had a hard time adjusting to his new way of life.  So when he wasn’t hunting, he’d put on a pair of pajamas, hold a teddy bear, and suck his thumb.  He wasn’t hurting any vampires, and he kept the veil.  He just needed therapy and some blood laced with antidepressants.  Instead one of the Overlord’s enforcers killed him, and laughed at his pile of dust.  That sick bastard laughed at him!”  Raven cried tears of blood.  “That enforcer is supposedly sane, and yet he is a bigger monster than my friend ever was!”

Charlie told another story.  “There was a wonderer who stopped by for one of our gatherings.  Sure, he heard voices in his head, but he was cool. He wouldn’t tell on us.  But Lady Carousel wouldn’t hear of it.  She had him murdered because he was a ‘threat.’  As far as I’m concerned, Lady Carousel is a greater threat to vampires than that wonderer ever was!”

The group fears that the proposed database will include vampires. Vampiric overlords could then search the database and order the deaths of mentally ill subjects.

Added Wine, “Mortals don’t like it if companies could look through your medical records.  Would you like it if a predator had access to your records?”  

The group says that there are plenty of regulations within the vampiric community regarding drinking mortal blood.  Secret societies already exist that monitor social and mainstream media to prevent real vampires from becoming public knowledge.  

“We may need to review those rules in the Internet age.”  Said Dominique, “That will be harder to do than to stigmatize mentally ill vampires.  In the end, the result will be a world that is safer for both vampires, and mortals.”

Charlie added, “We need to end the stereotypes against the mentally ill.  We aren’t ‘touched with enlightenment.’ Most of use don’t go into uncontrollable violent rages.  Most of us aren’t annoying.  We just have an illness, like every one else who gets sick.  We just need treatment so we can enjoy our unlives.”

When asked to comment, an NRA spokesperson sent an e-mail.  Part of the e-mail read, “You have given us an excellent idea.  First we will tell the world vampires exist.  They can only be killed with wooden bullets.  Obama, however, wants to ban wooden bullets, because he’s Obama.  So there will be a rush on wooden bullets.  We’ll make a fortune off of bullets!  Thanks!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Hanukkah Harry makes rare public appearance in Chicago

Hanukkah Harry, a former elven helper of Santa, made a surprise visit to Chicago’s Synagogues on Sunday morning.  Sources in the Jewish community say it is unusual for him to appear in public, especially the morning after Hanukkah.

Said an instructor at Har Zion, “When I saw a cart being pulled by three flying donkeys, I thought I was seeing things.  You don’t usually see Harry flying around during the day.  Yet there he was, and he was asking to speak with the children.  That was really unusual.”
According to some Jewish cultural experts, Hanukkah Harry visits Jewish parents each night of Hanukkah to make sure they have presents to give their children.  Unlike Santa, Harry does not pass judgement upon Jewish children.  Instead, he lets their parents decide if they should receive his gifts.  

“Santa always creeped me out.”  Added the instructor.  “He’s always watching the children, yet never does anything when a child was in danger or being abused.  Makes you wonder.”

Jill, an instructor at Temple Shalom, said Harry had a special message for all Jewish children.

“He said that while scary things have happened recently, life is also full of happiness and wonder.  Because we’re part of a global Jewish family, together we have the strength to stand up to the evil and ugliness in the world.  By doing that, we will prevail and see the light and love that is in the world too.  That’s a lesson adults should learn too.” 

Not all congregations were open to Harry’s message.  Doug, a member of Anshe Sholom B’nai Israel, waved off Harry when he tried to land in their parking lot.

“We told him that Hanukkah isn’t Jewish Christmas, and we don’t need a Santa Claus.  I also told him to donate our gifts to charity.”

Other congregations welcomed Harry warmly.  Kol Hadash, a humanistic Jewish congregation, was delighted when Harry entertained the Sunday school students with games and prizes.

“We always teach our students not to accept anything on blind faith.”  Said an instructor who asked not to be identified.  “At first none of them believed in Harry.  After seeing his flying cart, asking him questions, and examining his prizes, they believed.  They believed based on evidence, not faith. That’s the best lesson anyone could teach them.”

Most of the congregations’ spokespersons laughed when asked to provide an official statement.

A Kol Hadash spokesperson, how ever, did comment.

“Hanukkah Harry is fiction character created for a Saturday Night Live sketch.  If you’re going to run this stupid story, please make sure to include a link to our podcast.”

No one at The Babbler knew how to reach Harry for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar: I still don’t accept donations from space aliens!
Bolingbrook mourns the lives lost at Sandy Hill
Paranormal believers brace for another Chicago Skepticamp
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar slams Russian Prime Minister over UFO disclosure

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook mayor and Clow UFO Base administrator Roger Claar slammed Russian Prime Minister Dmitri Medvedev for revealing the presence of extraterrestrials on Earth.

“Are you (Expletive Deleted) nuts?”  Ask Claar in an e-mail exchange with the prime minister.  “You don’t tell mainstream reporters the truth about extraterrestrials!  They’ll report it!”

Medvedev countered that Claar speaks with The Babbler’s reporters all the time, and no harm has come from it.

“No one believes The Babbler!”  Claar replied.  “They only get significant attention outside of Bolingbrook is when a prominent skeptic debunks them!”

Medvedev replied, “No one believes our media either, and if there is a risk of being believed, we have ways of controlling our media.”

Claar exclaimed that while Medevdev could control state media, the story was already spreading around the world.  Claar added that the leak was making his job as the administrator of the largest urban UFO base in the world much harder.

“You would have to shutdown Google and Gmail to suppress this story.”

“Thanks for your suggestion.”  Replied Medevdev.

While Google experienced a mysterious outage of G-mail and other services on Monday, the story is still spreading on the Internet.

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I don’t know about your UFO story.  I do know that our library is a great backup when ever Google goes down.  Do you realize that you can look up maps and information without a computer?  It’s amazing!”

A spokesperson for the prime minister said that if The Babbler's staff didn't want to wake up with radiation poisoning, this reporter should stop asking questions.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Anti-psychic Kitty granted fellowship at the Committee for Scientific Inquiry

Anti-psychic Kitty composes a column for The Babbler.

The Babbler’s token skeptical columnist, Anti-psychic Kitty, is now the first feline fellow for the Committee for Scientific Inquiry.

“This is a real honor.”  Said Anti-psychic Kitty through a translation device at a skeptical media press conference.  “CSI is one of the oldest organizations dedicated to eradicating psychics and other forms of woo, and I will do my best to fulfill that mission.”

Anti-psychic Kitty was created by the James Randi Educational Foundation as part of a psychic suppression program.  The original plan call for the breeding of pets that radiate high levels of anti-psychic energy. The pets would then be given to famous psychics, to make them think that they had lost their powers, and therefore would never try to claim the JREF’s million dollar prize.

Anti-psychic Kitty, the last of the pets, has the highest level of anti-psychic energy ever recorded.  If a psychic tries to use their powers around Anti-psychic Kitty, their heads will explode.  There is video of him killing one psychic.  

“I am a born anti-psychic.”  Said Anti-psychic Kitty.  “Asking me not to hunt psychics is like asking another cat not to hunt mice.  It can’t be done.”

Barry Karr, executive director of CSI, explained Anti-psychic Kitty’s new role.  A role that doesn’t include killing psychics.

“First, Anti-psychic Kitty will help us learn about anti-psychic energy, so that we can safely use it to end psychic phenomena.  He’ll also continue to write for and live with the staff of The Babbler.  He reaches a weekly audience of thousands of people who have never heard of Paul Kurtz!  Can you believe that?  Of course not!”

Karr also explained that Anti-psychic Kitty would also play a key role in promoting scientific skepticism to the feline population, and encourage other cats to follow the humanistic teachings of The Center for Inquiry, CSI’s parent organization.

“My aunt Sidney thinks she is the center of universe, and likes to attack her caretakers.”  said Anti-psychic Kitty.  “It is now my job get other cats to embrace the Humanist Manifestos, so they will never end up like her.  I love her, but she’s so mean some times.”

When asked about the JREF, Anti-psychic Kitty said he wished the organization well, but could no longer work with president D.J. Grothe.

“As much as I loved the catnip and TAM parties, dealing with DJ everyday was just too much for me.  He’s a great podcaster, but a terrible manager.  Sure I’m a cat, and we don’t take orders well, but even a dog would have a problem following him.  That’s why I’m glad Carrie Poppy decided to resign.  She can do better!”
Later in the press conference, Karr introduced Anti-psychic kitty’s two assistants, Andy and Cassie Calico.  The two younger cats ran into the press room and started chasing each other.  

After ignoring Karr for a few seconds, Cassie ran up to a Doubtful News reporter and started staring at her lunch.  The reporter refused to share.

Andy stared scratching on Anti-psychic Kitty’s chair.  Anti-psychic kitty swiped his paw at Andy.  Andy swiped back, and the two swung at each other, never making contact.  Karr, and CFI outreach director Debbie Goddard separated the two.

After a brief timeout for Andy, the two cats were hooked up to translators and the press conference continued.

Andy denied any animosity towards Anti-psychic Kitty, explaining that he was just playing.  He then started a rap.

“A.P.K/All the way/All you psychics better run away!”

After Karr told him to stop, Andy continued, “APK is so awesome!  It’s my job to do outreach to kittens and young cats to show how awesome they can be too.  We’re already skeptics!  But skepticism, plus humanism equals awesome!”

Cassie explained that she looks forward to performing outreach to female feline community.  

“With all the unwanted feline pregnancies in the world, I want to promote CFI’s support of reproductive rights two my fellow cats and their caretakers.  Let me also tell you that life is much better for both genders when we don’t have to worry about going into heat.  Neutering also cuts down on sexual harassment within feline colonies.”

When asked what they were looking forward to while working at CFI, Anti-psychic Kitty said he looked forward to collaborating with CSI columnist Kylie Sturgess.  Andy said he was looking forward to demonstrating the physics behind a rolling ball.  Cassie said she hoped to be able to address CFI second Women in Secularism conference.

Karr then asked if the cats had any last words for the skeptical media.  

“I know this will workout because of CSI’s commitment to skepticism and because IMSOCUTE!”

Added Andy, “And IMSOPLAYFUL!”

Added Cassie, “IMSOPRETTY!”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce: Boogie Men are coming for our restaurants!
Clow UFO base reduces abduction quota
Skokie police drive away fire monsters on first night of Hanukkah
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/12/12!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Mayor Claar unharmed following skating accident on Mercury

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar suffered minor bruising and a “slightly singed” space suit following a skating accident on Mercury.

“It felt a bit toasty, but I will be fine.”  Claar told a gathering of the embedded interstellar journalists.

Claar was part of a field trip sponsored by his charity, Humanoid Corrective Learning.  HCL, according to their brochures, offers counseling to Clow UFO Base’s “at risk young sentient beings.”  Clients who maintain good attendance records can go on free field trips.

HCL sent 20 clients, and additional staff, to the Mercery Northern Ice Rink.  Marketed as “The hottest ice rink in the Sol system,” it located within a permanently shadowed portion of a polar crater.  The outdoor ice rink is a popular tourist attraction that attracts 1 billion tourists each Earth year.

During an open skating period, the rink transmitted Psy’s “Gangnam Style” song.  According to eyewitnesses, many skaters tried to imitate Psy’s horse riding dancing.  Seconds into the song, several aliens slipped, causing a chain reactions of falls.  During this time, someone accidentally hit Claar.  The impact knocked off the ground and send him flying several hundred meters.  He landed on the edge of the shadow.  Claar’s legs were exposed to the sunlight briefly before the groundskeepers pulled him to safety.

“I want to commend the staff for saving my life.”  Said Claar.  “They might want to consider enclosing the ice rink, just like Rocket Ice Arena’s rinks are enclosed.”

Claar stressed that he would continue to offer field trips to HCL’s clients.

“These young beings are light years away from the home worlds.”  Said Claar.  “Clow offers many educational and recreation opportunities, but some youth are still at risk of going down the wrong path.  There are many generous donors who want to help, and I’m glad that I can put their donations to good use!”

Clog Go, an HCL client, defended the charity.  “At any other Earth port, I would be selling stolen spare parts.  Thanks to leader Claar, I know that there are better ways to serve society and live a good life.  I might even go into politics so that I may help others as he has helped me.”

The rink’s staff released a statement stating they are investigating the accident, and has temporarily stop transmitting Psy’s music.

HCL staff members say that their Io volcano sight-seeing trip is still scheduled for 2013.

“We will observe the volcanos at a safe distance.”  Said Donald Z. Clarkson, acting head of HCL.

Though Claar’s family is involved in Heart Haven Outreach, HCL is not affiliated with H2O.

Also in The Babbler:

Bigfoot activists: Give Bigfoot the right to vote!
Alien contractor bids to take over Chicago law enforcement
Freethought Blogs tries to corrupt Northwestern students
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/5/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Humanoid dinosaur rescued in Evanston

Enhancement of a photo by Jim Linwood.
The militant skeptic group CSICOP, rescued a humanoid dinosaur from a secret Northwestern University cryptozoology society.

According to NU students on the scene, the covert team raided the Kappa Mu Alpha fraternity house after Midnight on Thanksgiving.  The students reported loud sounds and shouting during the raid.

“It sounded like a typical night there.”  Said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name.  “The police don’t come out unless they start throwing kegs into the neighbors’ yards.  Anyway, I thought it was unusual when a delivery truck drove onto their front yard, and masked men started jumping out.  It didn’t concern me, because I thought someone was playing a joke on them.”

KMA brother Doug, who asked not to be identified, said he met one of the CSICOP members during the raid.

“I heard gunfire, but I thought it was a video game.  As I tried to walk to the kitchen, room started spinning.  I fell to the ground, and then saw this blurry black blob.  I think it asked me where the dinosaur was.  I was confused, so I said something about the weirdos renting the basement.  Before I passed out, I saw a weird thing in a stretcher.  Whoa.  Maybe they used some kind of military mind control on me.”

According to sources in the skeptical community, CSICOP is a paramilitary group that broke off from the Center for Inquiry in 2006.  Their goal is the suppression of all evidence of the paranormal.  They disagree with the CFI’s “peaceful” approach to covering up Bigfoot and other cryptoids.  They want to protect these creatures by preventing the public from learning about them.

The sources, who do not support CSICOP’s methods, say the group targeted the house because of photos stolen from the Northwestern Secret Society of Cryptozoologists.  

“To the untrained eye, they looked like blurry photos of a man in a lizard suit.”  Said one source.  “They immediately recognized it as a Dinosauroid, a species that survived the KT Impact and evolved human-like features.  So they had to rescue it before the students figured out how to properly hold a camera.”

Don, a member of CSICOP who asked that we not his real name, approached The Babbler, and described what happened to the dinosauroid, nicknamed Willie, after the Northwestern mascot.

Don said the CSICOP rescue team found Willie, and noticed he was ill.  The cryptozoologist on site confessed, they found Willie wondering around the campus, obviously lost and starving.  While the student group tried to nurse Willie back to health, they did not know what to feed the purple feathered creature.

“They admitted to giving him beer and pizza because they couldn’t afford to go shopping for organic food.”  Said Don.

Once in the CSICOP facility, Don tried feed Willie a standard dinosauroid diet.  Willie, refused and started growling at the caretakers.

“I told him that it was being unreasonable.  ‘We just found out you were sick.  You haven’t been sick that long.’  I told him.  Then I added, ‘Other hungry Dinosauroids eat when they’re hungry, why can’t you?’  It screamed at me.  Then I said, ‘I know what you’re going through.  I’ve been hungry and lost, so you’ll be fine.’  He didn’t take well to that either.”

After an hour of arguing with Willie, Greg Laden, anthropologist, CSICOP consultant and blogger, entered the containment area.  According to Don, Laden handed Willie an iPad.

“I told him that he couldn’t give that to Willie.  I would have to report him to command.  Greg glared at me, and I’ll never forget what he said.  ‘Have you ever been attacked by the Slyme Pit, and exiled from Freethought Blogs?  I have and I survived.  I doubt that you can do anything to me that comes close to what they put me through!’”

Once Willie grabbed the iPad, he logged onto his Twitter page and started complaining about the treatment the “hospitals” were giving him.

Laden angrily confronted Don. “That’s not an ordinary dinosauroid.  That’s a Rantasurus!  They require a special vegan diet and Internet access to survive.  What kind of training did you receive?  Don’t you know how sick a Rantasurus can get if you don’t care for it properly?”

Under Laden’s direction, Willie’s health started to improve once he received proper care.

“Still,” Said Don, “I felt bad.  I was trying to help Willie, but our team was making him sicker, and hurting his feelings.  I didn’t know if Wille would ever forgive me.”

A couple days later, Don visited Willie.  Willie, instead of growling, showed a blog post to Don.

“Sure it was about people with chronic illnesses.”  Said Don, “But the wrong headed statements in were stunning.  They sounded like me.  When I looked up from the iPad, I saw tears running down Willie’s face.  Then I knew.  I knew how much of a jerk I really was towards Willie.  So I told him I was sorry, and I wished I could make it up to him.  I started crying as well.”

Willie opened arms and reached through the bars of the containment area.  Despite the risk of being torn apart, Don walked over to Willie, and embraced him through the bars.”

“I know I have a lot of work to do on myself.”  Said Don.  “I want to thank Willie and Greg for setting me on the right path.”

Don says that Willie is much better, and is now lives in a Chicago safe house.  Laden believes Willie wondered away from his Canadan pack, and suspects they are hibernating through the winter.  CSICOP will house Willie until the spring, when they will return him to Canada.  Until then, Willie is content to rant on Twitter, visit the Field Museum, and chat with another Rantasurus who lives with the Secular Student Alliance in Columbus, OH.

When asked to comment Laden said, “I can’t hear you.  You’re breaking up.  If you can hear me, buy my new novel, Sungudogo!”

A CFI spokesperson denied the existence of a rouge CSICOP militia, and said, “Happy Holidays” before hanging up.

When this reporter called the SSA, a women replied, “Hello Internet!  It’s those weird Babbler people calling us again.  Now they’re asking about our ‘pet dinosaur.’  Watch how we handle this.”

The women told this reporter to wait.  A few seconds later, another woman roared into the telephone.  After a dramatic pause, she replied, “Are you happy now, Mr. Babbler?”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago Skeptics to camp out in Chicago
Ninja Clan spotted in Bolingbrook
Sandy Island reappear in Lake Michigan
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/29/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.