Friday, December 30, 2011

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2012!



Will Tim Tebow die to absolve humanity of the sin of being a Packer fan?

Once again, 2011 was a banner year for our psychics.  They predicted that Jennifer McCreight wouldn’t organize another Boobquake, and that Obama would avoid another government shutdown.  

The Chicago Skeptics might argue Greenland didn’t fall into the sea, Roger Claar didn’t appoint Bolingbrook’s government, and Dr. Oz wasn’t confronted by Orac in Chicago.

True.  Predicting the future is not an exact science.  But we will point out that Dr. Oz was confronted by Dr. Steven Novella on the Dr. Oz show.  Hey, sometimes its hard to tell skeptical doctors apart.

So with that, we’re proud to present our psychics predictions for 2012.  They may shock you, but when these events happen, don’t say you weren’t warned!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Happy Boxing Day!

Publisher Chris Olson
Editor Sara Langston
Reader's Editor Doug Fields






















Happy Boxing day from the Staff of The Babbler.  We're taking the day off, but keep an eye on this site for our shocking predictions for 2012!

We'll also have a very special announcement in 2012!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Web Exclusive: Santa gets Bolingbrook business license at the last minute.

Santa won't get arrested in Bolingbrook this year for breaking and entering.  Thanks to an emergency vote by the Bolingbrook Board of Trustees, Santa now a one year license to "run a surprise delivery business within the boundaries of Bolingbrook."

"The credit really goes to Mayor Roger Claar."  Said a village official who asked not to be identified.  "He remembered on Christmas Eve that they forgot to give Santa his annual license to deliver presents.  So while another mayor would have given up and told the police to ignore an obvious crime, Roger solved the problem."

According to the sources, Claar ordered the trustees to an emergency meeting.  The trustees, not wanting to miss Christmas Eve dinner, quickly granted Santa's annual license for  2011.  Claar then ordered the police ignore Santa.

"The last thing this village needs is to known as the place that arrested Santa."  Claar allegedly said.  "Can you imagine how that would harm our efforts to attract new business?"

This secret tradition started in 1966.  Some residents were concerned that if Santa could enter homes without a warrant, a future police department might cite the "Santa Prescient" to enter homes at any time.

"This was before 9/11 of course."  Said a village historian who asked not to be identified.

When asked to comment, Claar yelled, "It's Christmas Eve!  I'm trying to eat dinner with my family!  And no, my daughter will not run for mayor in 2013, and she's not getting married to an alien prince!  Merry Christmas!"

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Watchdogs of Bolingbrook cancels “Until Roger Quits” campaign


Sources with connections within the “Watchdogs of Bolingbrook” blog say they have canceled a campaign against Mayor Roger Claar.

The campaign, “Until Roger Quits,” was inspired by the “Until Abortion Ends.” campaign.  Like that campaign, village residents were asked to make a sacrifice until Claar resigns, or is voted out of office.

“They expected people to make minor sacrifices, like giving up coffee, or soda.”  Said a source.  “People are giving up for those things for something a major as abortion.  They thought people wouldn’t go that far for Roger.  Just enough to make a point.”

Instead, the sources agree that two people were injured only a few days before announcing the campaign.

Paul Z Liano, a 12 year Bolingbrook resident, claims he tried to hold his breath until Mayor Claar resigned.

“Roger wants to turn Bolingbrook into a Socialist republic!”  Cried Liano.  “I had to do something.  So I sent him an e-mail, and started holding my breath!”  After several attempts, Liano became frustrated.

“I knew he doesn’t always respond to e-mails, but come on!”  Said Liano.  Liano then put tape over his mouth and nose.  Liano then remembers waking up in Adventist Bolingbrook.

“The nurses said that Roger saved my life.  He sent the police to check up on me, and they rescued me.  (Expletive Deleted!)  Thanks to our mayor, I’m tied up in his hospital!  I’m not suicidal!  I’m a political prisoner of Roger!”

Donald, who asked that we not use his last name, claims that he gave up sobriety.

“If Roger is going to socialize my water, I was going to drink booze instead.”  Said Donald.  “So I parked myself in a bar, and sent Roger a text message.”

Donald drank.  And Drank.  And Drank.  Until he woke up in Adventist.

“I asked them for a drink, and they gave me water.  Water!  I don’t want Roger’s water!  I want my booze.  I have a First Amendment right to drink booze until Roger resigns!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for The Watchdogs denied they even considered an “Until Roger Quits” campaign.

“Until Roger quits, you have a choice.  You’re either with us, or you’re against us.  If you’re against us, then you’re with Roger.  If you’re with Roger, you’re with the local 1 percent.  If you’re with the local 1 percent, that makes you evil!”

When this reporter called Claar, his receptionist said he was too busy to comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Until Bonnie stops complaining, I’m going to keep running my village!”

Also in The Babbler:

Typhon the Terrible visits Clow UFO Base.
South Elign: We don’t have too many police officers!
Happy Holidays from The Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/25/11


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Adele leaves Clow UFO Base rolling in the boos


Adele, minutes before her alien audience rioted.
(Photo based on a work by Nikotransmission)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base continued a holiday tradition with another disastrous holiday concert.

The concert ended with 130 arrests, 240 injuries, and a classified amount of property damage.

“We prefer to highlight the lack of deaths and drug related arrests.”  Said John X. Riverton, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs.  “Try going to human concert without getting a contact high.  You couldn’t get high at our Winter Festival of Human Music.”

Riverton also denied that concert’s problem was related to “the curse” of Chicago radio personalities Eric and Kathy.  

“Eric and Kathy used their only hosting opportunity to tell The Aristocrats joke.  Not only did they offend the morally upright visitors, they also bored the more open-minded civilizations present with their PG-13 version of the joke.  Despite the interstellar legends, Eric and Kathy did not curse our concerts after being barred for life.  Our past performers were perfectly bad on their own.”

The theme for this year’s concert was “Modern Western Hemisphere Dance Music.”  Sources close to the planning of the concert, felt that they could avoid past problem by focusing on one genre of music.

“If we just used some artists featured on B96, it would be simple.”  Said a source.  “We figured they’d turn on their synthesizers, do a dance, lip-sync, and collect their paycheck.  It didn’t work out that way.”

The concert started slow with a performance by artist September.  Some in the audience were warned after trying to scan her thoughts.

“I just wanted to experience the party in her head.”  Said Rin Gansu from Kepler 35c.

The concert took a turn for the worst when a very pregnant Dev took the stage.  Dev sat down throughout her entire performance, drinking water and eating food.

“Yum! Pickled chocolate!”  Exclaimed Dev.  “You guys really are from an advanced civilization!”

Near the middle of her performance, a hackler slammed her lack of dancing.

“I am came here to watch electronically enhanced human mating rituals!”  Said the unidentified heckler.  “I do not need to watch the product of those rituals.  I examine them every day.

“You try (expletive deleted) dancing while carrying a baby!”  Countered Dev.

“I can fix that problem!”  Yelled the heckler.  When the Men in Blue started dragging the heckler away, it added, “Only temporarily!  I meant only temporarily!”

While performing her hit song, “In The Dark,” the audience turned against her when she sang, “Sex/Drugs/Push to start.”  Dev stopped her performance, and cried, “You guys think I would do that while pregnant?  (Expletive deleted) you!  (Expletive deleted) all of you!  I hope you get AIDS the next time you stick an anal probe into someone!”

She cried while running off stage.

Adele shocked the audience when she walked on stage wearing a cowboy hat and Country-Western styled dress.  The audience grumbled when announced that she would only perform songs from her upcoming album.  The grumbles turned into screams as fiddle music came out of the speakers, and her dancers started square dancing.  

Adele only got five minutes into her performance before some members of the audience started rioting.  The Men in Blue fired tear gas and riot foam into the crowd  Adele was hurriedly escorted off stage while authorities restored order.  The crowd cheered after a Man in Blue announced that she would not finish her performance.  

“Country music is universally hated!”  Said an anonymous staff member.  “She could have started a war.  What was she thinking?  Why couldn’t she sing one of her songs about being dumped by a guy?  Getting rejected by a mate is a universal theme!”

Backstage, the 23 year old British artist explained herself.

“I should have been the headlining act, but they gave it to Kesha!”  Said Adele.  “If they’re not going to appreciate my music, then why should they care what I sing.  I made this my Bob Dylan goes electric moment!  So what if they didn’t like it.  They’re aliens.  That means they’re alien!  So why should I care that a bunch of aliens from an alien planet like Kesha better than a nice woman with a critically acclaimed singing voice!  I’m not bitter!  I said I’m not bitter.  After they wipe my memory , I’ll find someone better then those aliens!  I don’t have to be universally loved.  I just have to find one person to love me.  Just one!”

Adele ran away, bursting into tears.

After restoring order, Clow officials nervously awaited the start of Kesha’s performance.

“We told her not to make things worse.”  Said another staff member.  “But you never know with those music-star types.”

Their fears eased, when Kesha walked on staged wand waved to the cheering crowd.  

The Internet says I’m bigger than The Beatles!”  Yelled Kesha.  “Let’s dance!”  

The aliens seems to enjoy her performance, and The Men in Blue stood down.

“Kesha excites all ten of my senses!‘  Said Mu Goo, a fan who traveled all the way from the Small Magellanic Cloud to see her.

After the show, she dismissed her critics.

“Big stars like me can be so competitive.”  Said Kesha.  “It’s really stupid, if you think about it.  I mean we’re all going to end up on a VH1 reality show at the end of our careers.  It’s unavoidable, so all you can do is enjoy the ride before you’re at the mercy of a reality show producer.”

Kesha sniffed herself.  After liberally using body spray on herself, she splashed glitter all over her body and face.

“Better.”  She said.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment because, “He is practicing martial arts on his desk.”

Also in The Babbler:

Tim Tebow:  God doesn’t love me more than The Bears
Aliens celebrate Bolingbrook Raider’s State Football Championship
Claar: I won’t ask the military to indefinitely detain Bonnie.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/16/11


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Letters to the Editor: Skeptics, Bug Foot and Occupation!

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Doug Fields here.  It took awhile, but we finally have a batch of letters to worthy of publishing.  Sure you can post a comment on the site, but only a worthy few will get a letter to the editor published.  If you think you’re up to the challenge, send an e-mail to bolingbrookbabbler@gmail.com.

The first letter is from our rivals, The Chicago Skeptics.  Apparently they’re holding some kind of convention.
To the Editor:
Registration is now open for SkeptiCamp Chicago 2012, an open skeptical convention which takes place on January 28, 2012.  
SkeptiCamps are informal, lively and entertaining day-long events where participants gather to learn and talk science and critical thinking. The last SkeptiCamp in Chicago, Skepchicamp 2010, had over seventy participants. Chicago SkeptiCamp 2012 aims to provide a platform for all skeptics to share their favorite subjects with the rest of the skeptical community. The public is invited to SkeptiCamp 2012 to engage in conversation and exercise critical thinking in the exploration of issues new and old. All attendees are encouraged to participate by either speaking or helping out. 
SkeptiCamp 2012 has 15 speaker slots.  First time speakers are encouraged to try making a presentation in a supportive, friendly environment.  If there are more speakers than slots, speech topics will be brought for a vote.  There will also be space for poster presentations.
Anyone interested in participating should go to http://j.mp/ChicagoSkepticamp.  More information about SkeptiCamps around the world can be found at http://skepticamp.org/. 


The Chicago Skepics and Chicago SkeptiCamp 2012 
Chicago, IL