|Photo by Gage Skidmore|
By Reporter X
Republican candidate Herman Cain denied sending 100 Godfather’s Pizzas to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base in 1996.
“Let me make this clear.” Said Cain, while addressing the Sector 999 Orb of Commerce. “I did not order 100 drivers from Nebraska to drive all the way to Bolingbrook to deliver pizzas to a hot leader from Venus.”
His address to the Orb concluded a day where he fended off sexual harassment charges, and accusations of campaign finance rules violations. Cain, however, remained in high spirits in the face of the latest allegations.
“I feel like a UFO being hunted by skeptics. They’re trying to shoot me down, because the public likes what I say and how I say it.” Cain then added, “I started this campaign thinking it was going to be like Al Sharpton’s campaign in 2004. Instead, it’s like Barack Obama’s campaign. Only I’m a true American!”
After accepting a campaign donation, from the Orb, a reporter asked Cain again about the allegations.
“I’m only going to say this once.” Snapped Cain. “I wasn’t fully aware of our aliens friends on Earth when I owned Godfather’s. I may have authorized drivers to go outside of their assigned territory, but I don’t recall ever sending a single driver to specifically go to Clow UFO base.”
The reporter countered that its sources said that they were acting under specific order from Cain, and that Godfather’s corporate office paid for the pizzas.
“Of course we paid for the pizzas.” Cain replied. “They may have been a prank orders at first, I don’t know. All I know is that I had heard of Venus’s fiery ambassador and I know that it would have been bad manners to refuse to pay for her pizzas. I was trying to save my company’s officers from being sent to Venus. We didn’t want to ruin our exclusive contract with Venus.”
When another reporter asked how long he had know about aliens on Earth, Cain asked, “How long have you known about aliens on your world? It’s a big secret, isn’t it.”
Cain then continued, “You people are coming at me with gotcha questions. We’ll I’m ready. I’m ready if you ask me who the leader of Mars is. I’ll tell you that I don’t care. Just like I don’t care who the leader of the Soviet Union is and who the leader of Afghanistan is. It’s not important. I only care about the big issues, like getting the Orb’s 999 plan implemented on Earth. They’ve invested too much time, and planted too many implants inside me. They don’t want me to worry about trivial things. They want me to focus on the vision.
When asked if Cain had just admitted he was a pawn of the Sphere, Cain sang, “Stairway to Pizza” and walked off stage.
The prince of the Orb, then denied that Cain was a tool of the Orb.
“We respect the man and his universal support for free enterprise. We also respect his courage to run an ad featuring a man smoking. That tells us that he will reopen the US market to interstellar tobacco imports. We’re going to make a killing with Cain as president.
Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar, who wasn’t at the press conference, would only tell The Babbler, “I fully support the effort to elect a veto-proof Congress. Then it won’t matter who we elect as President!”
Also in The Babbler:
Aliens enjoy trick or treating in Bolingbrook
Wereturkeys spotted in Naperville
Ghosts vow to protect Occupy Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/5/11
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.