Monday, September 26, 2011

Aliens give Joshie Berger’s cooking mixed reviews


By Reporter X
Joshie Berger may no longer be the worst cook in America, but he still has a long way to go to impress Bolingbrook’s extraterrestrials.  

Berger, winner of the Food Network show The Worst Cooks in America, prepared special dishes for 10 alien ambassadors at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  While cooking in front of them, he talked about using his fame to spread skepticism.

“Before, I was just a lawyer.”  Said Berger.  “People only wanted to talk to me if they were in trouble, or wanted me to be the butt of a joke.  After I won the show, everyone wanted to talk to me.  That’s when I tell them my life story.  After that, I stress the importance of thinking critically!”

According to Berger, he grew up in a Hasidic Jewish family.  He eventually left the faith and embraced atheism and science.  He never learned to cook while growing up at home.

“I now think of all those poor men who will never know the joy of creating a masterpiece on the grill, or the women forced to slave away over a stove.  All because of a several thousand year-old book!”

Fame from the show also lead to his discovery by The New World Order.

“I thought they were crazy people at first, but then they took me inside a flying saucer.  I was skeptical of course, but they let me touch the aliens, and fly the thing.  When they answered all of my questions, I finally believed in alien spacecraft.  After they asked me to help spread skepticism, I asked where I could sign up.  Sure it involved a cover-up of aliens, but that’s only until the entire human race embraces skepticism.”

While the ambassadors appreciated his presentation, Berger’s individually prepared dishes were met with mixed reviews.

“I love black bread!”  Exclaimed Ambassador Xichomo.  “Must humans are afraid to cook it this long.  They either turn it to ashes, or stop when it is fluffy.  My compliments to Joshie!”

Another ambassador ate his dish, and started convulsing.  Medical crews had to perform an emergency stomach removal.  As it was being removed from the room, the ambassador made an obscene gesture towards Berger.

Berger didn’t seem concerned.  “I heard he’ll grow another stomach, and if he couldn’t make a rational argument against my cooking, then I won’t take him seriously.”

When this reporter tried to contact Berger, his receptionist said he was busy and couldn’t comment.  She suggested meeting with Berger at Chicago Skeptics Drinking Skeptically Event on 9/30/11.  It will be at Galway Arms in Chicago from 7:00 PM to 10:00 PM.

In the background, a man who sounded like Berger said, “Oh yeah?  We’ll I’m enjoying a lobster and bacon sandwich and loving it!  You may be keeping kosher, but I’m keeping it real!”

Also in The Babbler:
No one occupying Bolingbrook’s Village Hall
Editorial: UFO’s break the speed of light all time! Why can’t neutrinos?
SGU plays D and D instead of taking the $5 Challenge
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/1/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

From the Publisher: Babbler not allowed to sponsor ‘SGU 24’

By Chris Olson
Publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler

The Skeptics Guide to the Universe claims to be open minded, but their wallets are closed to us.

After hours of negotiations, The Babbler will not be allowed to sponsor the SGU’s 24 hour webcast on 9/24/11. We had hoped to sponsor one of the 24 hours of this skeptical telethon. Had we succeeded, an SGU panelist would have read this passage:
The Bolingbrook Babbler is proud to sponsor our nemesis, The Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe. To read the unbelievable news, go to www.bolingbrookbabbler.com. From Jeff Wagg’s alien abduction to spacecraft crushing Richard Saunders, we cover the stories the skeptical web sites won’t touch.
We even challenged the SGU to disprove any of our stories. After two years, they haven’t been able to win our $5 prize.
So go to www.bolingbrookbabbler.com to read the stories the rouges can’t debunk.

The salesperson tried persuade us to “tone it down.” I said we were paying for the hour, and we don’t compromise. Finally, our ad was rejected for being “inappropriate and insensitive!”
When I appealed to Dr. Steven Novella, the head of the SGU, denied that our ad was rejected. According to him, all 24 hours were sponsored by the time we submitted our ad.

“I honestly wanted to accept your sponsorship.” Said Novella. “Then we could have pointed out the irony of The Babbler giving us $100 dollars so you can tell our listeners that you won’t give us $5. That’s five skeptics rejecting $5!”

The SGU may ignore us, but they can’t ignore our readers! I’m urging all of our loyal readers go to the SGU 24 web site on 9/23/11 7 PM Central time. In the online chat, politely, but firmly, ask the SGU why they won’t accept our $5 challenge. Can they ignore our readers for 24 hours? Find out this Saturday!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Phony alien ambassador arrested at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X


The Men in Black arrested Quom Bogoo at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base for impersonating an ambassador.  The arrest is sending shockwaves throughout Earth’s covert operators.

Bogoo, claimed to be an ambassador from the Bootes Void, a barren area of universe 700 million light years from Earth.  An alleged representative their “Science Web,” Bootes paid frequent visits to Earth’s scientists and science-based skeptics.  He was also the first visitor from the Bootes Void.

According to Mr. Brown, a spokesperson for the New World Order, said that after 50 years, they finally received a reply from their background check.

“They said they didn’t have a Science Web, didn’t have ambassadors, and that the being in question isn’t Quom Bogoo.”

Brown further explained that the real Bogoo was a scientist who died several thousand years ago.  This Bogoo’s discoveries lead to the destruction of thousands of galaxies, and the creation of the void.

“The 26 in the galaxies really valued their privacy.”  Said Brown.

Sources at Clow say that except for refusing to reveal his real name, Bogoo has cooperated with The New World Order.

“We don’t think he was trying to destroy our galaxy.”  Said one source, “But we can’t take any chances.”

The sources say Bogoo will be taken the Large Magellanic Cloud for further “enhanced questioning” by the Holy Light Empire.

“They’re very good at getting answers out of people.”

Covert scientists are still in shock over the arrest.

“I thought Boo Boo was helping me.”  Said a scientist who works at Fermilab.  “He dropped some hints that lead me to create a theory of warm dark matter.  Now I’m thinking he was just telling a dirty joke.”

Surly Amy, creator of Surlyramics, is still thankful towards Bogoo.

“When I was feeling depressed, he brought me up to his spacecraft.  It was so awesome, I wanted to leave the Earth forever and explore the universe.  Instead he told me about a group of humans, called skeptics, who would love my jewelry.  That was even more awe inspiring!  Humans could appreciate my work!”

Amy added, “Sure he fooled me, but as a skeptic, I know that I can be fooled, and that’s OK.  All humans can be fooled.  He may be punished for his crimes, but I’m glad he helped me turn my life around.”

D.J. Grothe, president of the James Randi Educational Foundation, said that although the foundation accepted Bogoo’s forged papers, he insists there was no security breach.

“As the official ambassadors to the interstellar skeptical movement,” Said Grothe, via Skype. “We understand the importance of confidence!  No one in the JREF, to my knowledge, provided Quom Bogoo with sensitive information.  Now to many skeptics that’s not acceptable.  So I have been forced to bring in my harshest skeptical critic.  I know that he will perform a through audit, and the results will resonate throughout the  knowledgable skeptical community!”

As Grothe talked, Jeff Wagg walked into view.

“Why is the K Monitor offline?  The Treaty of Boise specifically states that there must be a constant line of communication with the Council.  While I’m here, I need to ask you why you didn’t condemn PZ Myers on Nightline?  Before you answer, here’s my list of everything you did wrong at TAM 9!”

When The Babbler tried to reach James Randi, an assistant replied that he wasn’t available because he was going through customs.

In the background, a man who sounded like Randi said, “Of course I’m coming back to the US.  I have nothing to hide, and I’m not charged with anything.  Even if I were, do you honestly think there’s a jail in the world that can hold me?”

Also in The Babbler:

Ten percent of the Bolingbrook High School class of 1991 are weredeer.
Downers Grove teen proud of his proof of God
Park Districts bans sonar use in Hidden Lakes
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/22/11


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Web Exclusive: PZ Myers tries to smoke out Illinois


Minnesota professor, atheist, and alleged mad scientist PZ Myers may be behind the clouds of smoke over the Chicago area.

Sources with friends with relatives in the area claim that Minnesota Talking Land Squids were responsible for the Pagami Creek wildfire in Northeast Minnesota.

“I was fishing in Deer Yard Creek, when I saw something move.”  Said Randy X. Jourgensen.  “I didn’t think much about it at the time, but it might have looked slimy, and maybe it had more than four legs.  After I heard about the fires, I realized that it was one of those damn land squids! They must have caused the fire.”

The Talking Minnesota Land Squids were, according to the Minnesota Department of Paranormal Affairs, created by Myers for his PhD dissertation.  They, according to his critics, are his servants and only act under his direction.

DPA agent Wendy said Myers confessed to starting the fires.

“I asked him if he was mad.  He said, ‘I am mad!  Mad at Obama for not banning religion!  If I smoke out his state, he will have no choice but to do what I say!”

Wendy added that she wanted to arrest him, but the department’s jail was closed due to budget cuts.

“Someday we will stop PZ’s reign of terror!”

When finally reached, Myers pointed out that he lives in Western Minnesota, far away from the fires.

“I don’t care how many times you write about me.”  Said Myers.  “I will never link to your web site!”

Myers then denied that any of his children are Christians.

“If they were, I would still love them.  As I always say, hate the delusion, love the delusional!”

The smoke is expected to clear the Chicago area by the end of the week.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Clow tests ‘Airplane Suppression Unit’


By Reporter X
Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base officials confirmed the successful test of an “Airplane Suppression Unit.”  According to the officials, they used the device on a test plane shortly after it took off from the airport side of the base.  After reporting mechanical difficulties, the test pilot landed the plane in a nearby bean field.

After the “crash landing,” The Men in Blue towed the craft, and no eyewitnesses had to have their memories changed.  

“I didn’t think it was anything supernatural.”  Said Jennifer Parkinson.  “Just a plane crashing, which is unusual, fortunately.  Well, now that I think about it.  There was a funny looking cloud near by.  Maybe it was UFO.”

According to sources, the Airplane Suppression Unit, version 25.6 could be a major breakthrough in “covert deflection technology.”  Current ASUs have a high risk of causing catastrophic damage to airplanes.  Most aircraft that vanish over the Bermuda Triangle are the result of ASU disasters.

“The United States not only spends millions of dollars covering up these crashes,” said Paul Kimura, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, “They also have to spend millions of dollars protecting airplanes so the accidents don’t appear statically significant.  We can’t afford to do that any more!”

Scientists hope that the 25.6 will discourage pilots from flying into restricted space, but allow them enough time to reach an airport.

“This time the test pilot didn’t have enough time to reach the airport.”  Said Kimura.  “Our researchers just wanted to see if the unit would work.  Next time we’ll adjust the settings and see if the pilot can make it back.”

Clow officials were also pleased with how the mainstream media treated the test.  According to the officials, no reporters had to be intimidated or bribed.

Said one official, “It happened so fast, even the Bolingbrook Patch couldn’t take any pictures.  Sure they are an AOL affiliated web site, but people read it, and they are good at covering breaking stories in Bolingbrook.  They’ve been keeping us on our toes for the past year.”

Further tests will also not involve civilian pilots.

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-psychic Kitty: Glowing cats for science!
Pathways parade commission rejects ‘Roger sucks’ float
Ron Paul: Aliens didn’t write our Constitution!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/15/11


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

From 2001: Terrorists responsible for Bolingbrook UFO crash!

From the editor:  Today, The Babbler joins the world in remembering the 9/11 Attacks.  We also ask Bolingbrook to remember the brave aliens who lost their lives during the 11/15/01 attack against Bolingbrook.  We should also be thankful that the following war was short and ended in total victory against the terrorists.


The following was a special story posted on The Babbler's web site following the attack.



Sources close to the Office of Extraterrestrial Affairs confirmed that the 11/15/01 UFO crash was caused by space terrorists. The terrorists, according to the source, were attempting to crash the craft into Mayor Claar's home.


"Could you imagine the shock such a disaster could have caused throughout the Galaxy." Said the source. "The home of Mayor Roger Claar, a great interstellar leader, in flames. Imagine the horror of knowing that Mayor Claar is dead. His death alone could trigger two interstellar wars! If that weren't bad enough, could you imagine the people in that poor subdivision? The Men in Blue would have been forced to erase their memories. Oh my God. Some of them might have even forgotten that Roger ever existed. The horror!"


The source, we'll call Dexter, revealed the details of the deadly UFO crash. The Alpha Centauri freighter Malkomoon was hijacked when it reached the Martian orbit. The terrorists, armed with cans of whipped cream, and Cheese Whiz, stormed the cockpit, and killed the four pilots.


"That stuff is relatively harmless to humans, but it's like acid to the residents Alpha Centauri 4. Those poor aliens. No security system in the known universe could have detected those weapons of mass destruction.


The aliens are believed to be members of The Shining Base of Alba. The SBA believes that Bolingbrook has been cursed by Alba, a god worshiped on 137,000 worlds. SBA fanatics believe that all evil in the universe will be destroyed when aliens stop visiting the village. So far the SBA has claimed responsibility for 3 floods, and two power outages.


"If any group is capable of hijacking a UFO and crashing it into Bolingbrook, it's the SBA." Said Michelle Webber, an expert in space terrorism. "These guys make Osama look like a girl scout! They really, really, really hate Bolingbrook, and they will do anything to destroy us. They think their doing a lesser act of evil, to defeat evil itself! They're crazy."


It's not clear what happened during the flight to Bolingbrook. The UFO's crystal box recorded what sounds like arguing. The head terrorist is heard announcing that everything will be fine, and not to panic.


Just when the UFO started its nose dive towards Mayor Claar's house, a struggle is heard in the background. Then the UFO veered away from Mayor Claar's home. The crew is heard chanting, "USA! USA!" Seconds later, the UFO crashes next to the Bolingbrook Meijer and Clow UFO Base. One-hundred flight crew members and maybe 20 terrorists were killed.


Mayor Claar, according to Dexter, is demanding swift retaliation. He showed us a statement Mayor Claar issued to the Union of Planets.


"I have just spoken with the unofficial ruler of Earth, Dick Chaney. He has turned over command of the Black Ops Space Fleet to me. Any planet which houses the SBA will be destroyed! Unlike our great leader, I don't give a damn about civilian casualties! Surrender the terrorists, or face the wrath of Bolingbrook!"


No one from the Village Government could be reached for comment.


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 5, 2011

‘Top Gear’ hosts harass Bolingbrook

Eyewitnesses claim that the BBC harassed Bolingbrook residents while filming an episode of “Top Gear.”

Lydia, a student at Bolingbrook Hight School, claims she saw a man, who looked like Jeremy Clarkson, shooting a super-soaker at students walking home.

“He was laughing, and saying things, like ‘I’m the worlds oldest gangster.’  It was really weird.  It would have been funny if I wasn’t worried about getting soaked.”

According to eyewitnesses, Clarkson was pulled over by the Bolingbrook police officer.  When asked what he was doing, Clarkson replied that since Top Gear was filming in Bolingbrook, they thought it would appropriate to find out the what is the best car to use in a drive-by shooting.

The officer, according to the witnesses, dropped his jaw for a second.  He replied that while there are gangs in Bolingbrook, drive-by shootings are not a problem.

Clarkson pulled out a piece of paper.  “According to this web site, there was one here!”

The office shook his head.  “You need to read Bonnie’s web sites with full saltshaker.”  He added that he could arrest him for assaulting pedestrians.

Clarkson grinned and pulled out another piece of paper.  “I believe this coupon entitles me to be treated the same as you would treat your mayor!”

“So you want me to call your wife and ask her what I should do?”

“Good point.”

The officer, according to the witnesses, wrote Clarkson a ticket, and gave him a warning.

Paul Z. Wakeman, a resident of the Beaconridge subdivision, said he was walking to the grocery store, when he heard what sounded like rapid succession of firecrackers going off.  Seconds late, he saw a man, who looked like Richard Hammond, race away in a sports car, and drift around a corner.

“Even though the tires were squealing, I could clearly hear him screaming in terror.”  Said Wakeman.
Linda X. Sherman was walking her dog by Mayor Roger Claar’s home, when an SUV stopped next to her.  Behind the SUV was a black van with shaded dome.  As the SUV’s window dropped, she recognized the driver as James May.

“Excuse me.”  May said.  “Might you be able to direct me to the library?”

Sherman started to give him directions, when he looked over at Claar’s driveway.

“Ooh!”  Exclaimed May.  “A Jaguar!”

May, according to Sherman, got out of his car, and walked up to Claar’s home.  After knocking on the door, Claar opened the door.

“I thought I heard Roger say, ‘You’re the slow wine guy on the BBC.’  I didn’t hear the rest, but I did see James walk into the house.”

Sherman continued her.  When she walked by the house again, she saw the film crew filming May’s departure.  An obviously intoxicated May praised the “high level of culture in this deceptively simple suburb.  You have the finest collection of spirits in Chicago!  Now I will attend your Theater on the Hill.  How could I have let the producers convince me that it was OK to fire a water gun on this community?

“The film crew drove him home, so I was relieved.  Roger didn’t leave the home for the rest of the day either.”

The next day, the Top Gear Crew were spotted around The Promenade.

Juanita, a customer service supervisor, said she overheard Clarkson talking to a camera man during his lunch.

Clarkson said, according to her, “You know, today I saw a Mexican doing backbreaking work outside.  Then I saw another one doing the thankless job of cleaning tables.  You know what this means?  Bolingbrook is the home of the only hardworking Mexicans in the world!

“I wanted to smack him.”  Said Juanita.  “But then I’d have to deal with police and prove that I born in America.  I hate having to carry my birth certificate with me everywhere I go.”

Ronnie, a clerk at Binny’s claims that May almost destroyed the store’s wine stock.

“I looked up and there was this small European city car driving though the automatic doors.  First I was shocked that it was so small.  Then I was shocked that he could drive it though the store.”

Ronnie overcame his shock when May used one of the side mirrors to knock off bottles from the shelf.
“I pounded on his window and told him to stop.”  Said Ronnie.  “When he rolled down the window, I asked him what he was doing?  He apologized for destroying our ‘crappy’ Idaho wines!  If I hadn’t stopped him, he might knocked over one shelf and started a chain reaction! Can you imagine all the cleaning I would have to do?”

Paul X. Goldman, a security guard, said he saw the Top Gear team perform a dangerous stunt.

“They told us not to worry when the helicopters put their three cars on top of the Macy’s building.”  
Said Goldman.  “I did worry when one of the cars drove off the roof and crashed in front of the entrance.  Sure, the crew cleared out the area, but they weren’t supposed to drive them off the roof!”

Goldman said Hammond was pulled out of the car by a private safety crew.  Goldman said he demanded that Hammond explain what was going on.  Hammond, according to Goldman, said that they were performing a public service for the residents of Bolingbrook.  They wanted to show them what the safest suburban cars are.

“What better way to do that, then to drive them off one of the tallest structures in Bolingbrook?”  Said Hammond.

Eventually, the hosts fled Bolingbrook because the police discovered that they had arrest warrants for setting a man on fire in Norway.  The hosts were driven away by a “tame race car driver” known as “The Stig.”  His identity was confirmed by officer John Z. Potter.

“I pulled him over a few hours before the big chase.  He didn’t say anything on camera, but when the cameras were off, he said two things about ducks, and they were both wrong.  I knew it was him.”

When reached for comment Clarkson denied ever filming an episode in Bolingbrook.  While he appreciated the Shakespearian name, he said he doubted the UK hosts would ever film in the US again.

“If we filmed any more episodes in the states, we’d get so fat we couldn’t fit in our cars back home.”

Also in The Babbler:
Claar: I will not replace police with mercenaries!
China denies bidding on Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce
Chicago: Upscale tree houses are the new mansions
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/11.


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Web exclusive: Greta Christina acts shockingly normal!


Greta Christina speaking at Reed College.
(From the Reed Secular Alliance web page)

Eyewitnesses around Naperville claimed to have seen gay atheist, sex activist, and blogger Greta Christina acting like a normal person.

Paul Z. Chambers, an employee at Anderson’s Bookshop, says he saw Christina enter the store with her partner.  

“I started to get worried when she walked towards me.”  Said Chambers.  “I thought she was going to ask me to show her to the 21 and over room.  I wasn’t sure if she was allowed in there.  My manager was out, and we don’t let just anyone in there.  I mean Naperville has a reputation to uphold, and that room doesn’t fit with our reputation.”

As Chambers worried about what Christina would write about him on her blog, she picked up a book about this history of Naperville.  Chambers nervously completed her purchase, also fearing that she might ask if they have copies of her books.

“This is a very nice bookstore!”  Christina allegedly said.  “It reminds me of the ones at home.”

Her partner and her then walked out of the store.

“I’ve never seen this side of her before.”  Said Chambers.  “Not that I read her blog regularly.  I mean, I am a resident of Naperville!”

Paulette, who works at Le Chocolat Du Bouchard, say he saw the couple enter the cafe.

“At first I was kind of mad because we were busy at the time, and it meant I’d have to serve more people.”  Said Paulette.  “Once I recognized Greta, then I got worried.  I guessed that she was going to try to buy all of our chocolate syrup and do who knows what?  Then she would blog about it.  What would the Internet think of our cafe?  What would they think of Naperville?  We have a reputation to uphold, and she isn’t the Naperville type!”

While Paulette fretted about how to turn down Christina’s possible request, the couple figured out how to order drinks, and sat down at a table.

“An hour later, Christina allegedly said, “There should be a place like this in San Francisco.  I’ll have to post about this wonderful experience!”

“Then I was disappointed.”  Said Paulette.  “If I had know she was going to act like a normal customer, I would have tried to up-sell her one of our cakes.”

Alecia, who works as a housekeeper in a Naperville hotel, claims she entered Christina’s room.

“I did the usual housekeeping knock as I entered.”  Said Alecia.  “Then I heard some noise in the bedroom.  So I started to walk out when Greta called out to me.”

According to Alecia, Christina approached her holding some dollar bills.  Alecia started to blush.

“I’m familiar with her blog.  I mean I’m familiar with people who read her blog.  I mean I know people who read her blog.  So, I thought she was going to ask me to act out one of her erotic stories.  I had to think how I could turn her down without offending her.”

Before she could say anything, Christina allegedly said, “You guys did a great job making the bed.  Here’s your tip!”

Alecia stared at the money for a few minutes, then explained that she had misunderstood her.  

Christina, according to Alecia, laughed.  “Well, there’s a time to blog, a time to lecture, a time for wild sex, a time to write books, and right now, it is time for us to catch a train to Chicago.  We can’t wait to go shopping on the Mag Mile!”

Alecia is still dumbfounded by the encounter.

“Who knew that a gay atheist sex activist from the West Coast could be so normal?”

When asked to comment, Christina denied visiting Naperville, and spent over 20 minutes plugging her new blog at Freethought Blogs.



Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.