Sunday, April 24, 2011

FOIA request reveals giant talking bunnies in Bolingbrook!

The Bolingbrook police are aware of giant bunnies living in the area!

According to the 10 police reports given to The Babbler under the Freedom of Information Act, law enforcement officials have been aware of the giant bunnies since 1969, and have surprising little interest in them.

“(Redacted) says he saw a giant lepus scratching on his window.” Read one report. “Lepus said that he was going to kill him. (Redacted) is still alive. No further investigation.”

While most of the sightings took place around 1972, there is a striking story from 1975. Bolingbrook found 10 teenagers sleeping on the football field.

“One of the subjects claimed that they were hiding from an army of giant bunnies. Claimed they couldn’t enter the stadium. Another one shouted, “It’s weather only a coo-coo would like! Parents arrived and promised to ground the subjects. No further action taken.”

Another story from the 1970s deals with a traumatized little girl.

“(Redacted) said that a giant Lepus ate her ball and jumped into the backyard of trustee (redacted). Trustee (redacted) denied seeing a basketball or a bunny rabbit. (Redacted) called trustee (redacted) a big liar and swore to “get him!” (Redacted) turned over to parents. Trustee declined to press trespassing charges. No further investigation.”

Local cryptozoologist Donald K. Franson is outraged.

“Mayor (Roger) Claar is covering up giant bunnies in Bolingbrook. Doesn’t he realize the danger he’s putting the village in? Hasn’t he seen Night of the Lepus? You can only ignore them for so long before there’s a body count!”

Franson urges Bolingbrook residents not to grow vegetables in their backyards, and to own a high caliber machine gun, “Just in case.”

The Bolingbrook Police Department released a statement accusing The Babbler of quoting old police reports out of context.

“This is why we need FOIA reform!” Read the statement.

When The Babbler called Claar, he replied, “First of all, they’re getting civil unions, not married. Second, civil unions are legal in Illinois. Third, they’re paying rent, which means they’re generating income for the golf club. Fourth, money touched by gay people is worth just as much as money touched by heterosexuals. Fifth, no we’re not trying to become the gay marriage capital of Illinois, but if it happens, it will help our bottom line. Sixth, I don’t care what Cedra Crenshaw thinks of me!”

He then hung up.

Also in The Babbler:


Happy Easter from the staff of The Babbler
Bolingbrook Party of Tea: Hockey promotes socialism
Mayor Claar denies forming Presidential exploratory committee.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/28/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Babbler webmaster writes article for Indie Skeptics

By Chris Olson

I just wanted to let our readers know that our webmaster has a post on the Indie Skeptics blog.  We encourage our readers to check out the article and leave their comments.  Just remembers that the views expressed in this article and on Indie Skeptics do not necessarily reflect the views of the staff of The Babbler.

Indie Skeptics is blog for skeptics who either don't have a blog or whose blogs may not allow them to write a certain kind of article.  We thank Jeff Wagg (yes, that Jeff Wagg) for making an exception and running our webmaster's article.  Who knows, maybe someday Wagg will open his eyes to the unbelievable truth in Bolingbrook.

We can only hope.


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Details emerge about Skepchick party in space

By Reporter X

Will there be worldwide reports of pink flying saucers with unicorn decals on July 16th, 2011? If so, they’ll be taking guests to the exclusive Skepchick party on asteroid 153289 Rebeccawatson.

Sources say that the famed female skeptical bloggers will be taking their infamous party to outer space. The sources say this party, held as part of The Amazing Meeting convention in Las Vegas.

“This party is going to be out of this world in more ways than one.” Said Donna, who asked that we not use her last name. “We’ll have plenty of games, plenty of booze, and plenty of space!”

The sources agree that this party is being co-sponsored by Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science and The New World Order. The IAAS sees the party as a way to reward The Skepchicks for promoting science eduction and critical thinking among female humans. The New World Order sees the party as a reward for the Skepchicks efforts to distract attention away from alien visitations on Earth.

“Three times, the Martian Colonists have asked why they shouldn’t destroy the Earth.” Said Agent Red from The New World Order. “We listed Skepchick as one of the reasons, and we’re still alive. The least we can do is shuttle them to their asteroid for their party.”

While previous parties have taken place at The South Point Hotel, and undisclosed locations in Las Vegas, sources say this will be the first party that won’t have problems with the law or capacity. Unfortunately, this party will be the most exclusive.

“The Skepichicks love their fans.” Said Paula. “But the NWO says only people with clearance Alpha Nine will be allowed in. It’s sad, but think of all the room the guests will have!”

The theme for this year’s party will be 1950s science fiction characters. Guests are asked to come dressed as their favorite 1950s literature or movie characters. Prizes will be awarded, including the first Surlyramic made from Martian clay. This is in keeping with the outer space theme TAM 9.

“TAM 9 may be from outer space.” Said Joan. “But the Skepchicks are going to outer space!”

This will also be the first party to have an onsite child care center. While there were plans for an interstellar field trip, older children will instead get a tour of the Gagarin, the only Orion spaceship built by humanity.

Nuclear Engineer Dad was a member of the crew, and will conduct the tour.

“I was on a spaceship propelled by atomic bombs, and had a faulty reactor.” Said Nuclear Engineer Dad. “We were trying to reach a malfunctioning alien probe armed with X-ray lasers and we were on the edge of Martian Colonial Space. That was a risky situation! So I want to assure the kids that the damaged nuclear reactors in Japan are nothing compared to what I faced. Maybe they’ll feel better.”

Most of the facility has artificial gravity, but there will be a microgravity section that will have “adult activities.” According to the sources, one of the activities will be jump shots. Skeptical Sam will mix a drink and toss it into the air. Due to the low gravity, the drink will break up into spheres. Attendees will then jump up and try to swallow the spheres before landing.

The sources hinted that people who won’t be attending TAM will be attending the Skepchick party.

“Let’s just say that the girl with the bunny ears will be there!” Said Paula.

When asked to comment, Rebecca Watson accused The Babbler of interrupting “Skepchick Church.”

“I will neither confirm nor deny that there will be a Skepchick party at TAM, but if there is a party, Lawrence Krauss, Brian Dunning, and Todd Shackelford are on the blacklist!”

Watson added, “We love our fans, but the parties became big and expensive. If we held it at the hotel, we’d have to rent a convention room, and only use the hotel’s food. I don’t have a home that I can mortgage to raise that kind of money.” Watson then if there were a party and a fan weren’t invited, the fan could go to the Penn and Teller party instead.

A Skepchick then said, “Hey Rebecca, tell The Babbler that I’m going to be the first mom to breast feed in space!”

“No, I am.” Said a second Skepchick.

“Ladies!” Said Waston. “Do I have to dust off my sermon on the two Skepchicks and the bottle of vodka?”

The Skepchicks said no.

“You can share your booze with a fellow Skepchick and still have enough to get drunk.” Said the first Skepchick.

Also in The Babbler:


Rahm:  I'm a Chicago resident and Obama is a US citizen
Donald Trump bids for Chicago's South side
Lisle trees certify election results
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/20/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook declares changeling state of emergency

Bolingbrook’s Department of paranormal affairs announced that fairies are trying kidnap village officials.

“Bolingbrook is under a state of emergency this weekend.” Said department spokesperson Paul Michaels. He stated that all Bolingbrook government officials, and those deemed “vital to the well being of Bolingbrook” will be in hiding until the threat passes.

“If you see the mayor or any trustees either in person, on television, or at any sporting events, call the department right away! Those are changelings. Do not try to capture, or harm them. Leave that to the professionals.”

Michaels explained that every 300 years, fairies travel to Earth from the mythical realm of Arcadia to abduct humans, and replace them with changelings, creatures that resemble the abductees.

“Contrary to popular myth, they do not target babies.” Said Michaels. “Since the 1400s, they have only targeted royalty and elected officials. In other words, do not harm your children! They are not changelings!”

Sources with relatives in village government say that Mayor Roger Claar has been in hiding since Friday morning. The sources agree that a team of trolls tried to snatch but we’re repelled.

“People wonder why the Department of Paranormal Affairs is the only department to be fully funded every year.” Said Michaels. “If it weren’t for our daily prayers, and spells, Bolingbrook would be under faerie domination right now!”

To cover up the public appearances of the Claar’s doppelganger, Michaels debuted a video by famed skeptic Brian Dunning. In the video, Dunning describes pareidolia, and how easily everyone can be fooled.

“For example,” Says Dunning, “many Bolingbrook residents wanted to see their mayor at a Chicago Bulls game. So when a man who closely resembled the mayor appeared on the JumboTron, their brains created the illusion that the mayor was there. In real life, the mayor was at home with his wife, and residents really saw a man taking his daughter out to a game.”

Sources say the state of emergency will be lifted Monday morning. That is when the portal to Arcadia will close, and Bolingbrook will be safe from faeries for 300 years.

When contacted by The Babbler, Dunning answered, “I’m not some excessively decorated woman who bakes clay for a living. I’m Brian Dunning, the host of Skeptoid! I demand respect for my concept album cover!” He then hung up.

The Babbler also tried to reach Claar. His receptionist replied that he was meeting with the editor of Bolingbrook Patch, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man said, “Since you posted a nice article about my daughter, I’m just going to explain to you one last time how we do things in Bolingbrook.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The $5 Dollar Challenge upgrades to the JREF!



Our editor, Sarah Langston, is camera shy, but she wanted to get this important message out about our $5 Dollar Challenge.    So we made this animated video.

Will James Randi, or anyone else at the JREF step up to the challenge?  We'll find out.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Bolingbrook prepares for giant monster attack

Since the discovery radiation from the Fukushima reactors in Will County, Bolingbrook officials are secretly reviewing their plans to deal with a giant monster attack.

“Sure the scientists say there’s nothing to worry about.” Said Phil Dockson, a member of Bolingbrook Department of Homeland Security liaison team. “But if, however unlikely, such a monster attack would take place, we wouldn’t want to be caught in the foot print of the thing.”

Dockman says Bolingbrook’s plans have improved since 1971. Then, Bolingbrook planed to fend off a “Godzilla-style” attack by putting a bunch of school children in its path, and hoping that they would charm the creature into leaving Bolingbrook alone.

“We didn’t take monster attacks seriously back then.” Said Dockson. “The people in charge back then watched a few Toho movies, had a few too many drinks, and type up this policy. We’re more advanced now.”

John Gayles, also on the committee, says Bolingbrook’s current policy needs to be revised.

“In 1979, the revised plan stated that any monsters would be guided to the Southwest corner of Bolingbrook and bombed ‘into a bloody pulp.’ Its a good thing we reviewed the policy recently, because that'a the location of The Bolingbrook Golf Club, and the home of our secret Emergency Management Center.”

Both men want to change the policy to drive any monsters to the Elmhurst-Chicago Stone company quarry, and then drop heavy bombs on it. While bombing the location could actually help the company in the long run, there are protests against the policy.

“The monster would have to travel through several subdivisions in order to reach the quarry. Specifically, (Mayor Roger Claar’s) subdivision. He’s made it very clear that any chance of a monster destroying his home is unacceptable.”

Claar, according to Gayles, is also concerned that Bolingbrook homeowners are not insured against giant monster attacks. Bolingbrook officials are hoping that Naperville will pay for the monster coverage.

“It’s the least they can do since they expect us to give up our lives to protect their property values.”

While both men agree that there is a sense of urgency, they realize that things could have been worse.

“The voters could have elected Bob Bowen, and I’m sure he would have insisted on feeding Roger to the monster."

Some scientists insist that there is no danger from giant monster attacks.

Donna Swanson, a biologist and computer programer at the University of Washington, made some unprintable comments when asked.

“There is not enough oxygen in our atmosphere to support giant creatures. That’s why we don’t have dinosaur-like creatures or insects the size of cars. I can’t wait for Jennifer to get back so I don’t have to answer your stupid questions!”

When reached for comment, Claar seemed unconcerned about the risk of a giant monster attack.

“Every time I have a concern about the nuclear incident in Japan, I go to the Georneys blog. Nuclear Engineer Dad always makes me feel at ease. So no, I’m not worried about Godzilla attacking my village.”

Also in The Babbler:


Weather Channel accused of inciting fear in Bolingbrook
Aliens preview iPad 10 at Clow UFO Base
Psychics predict the Blackhawks will win a playoff game
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/15/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Web Exclusive: Bob Bowen speaks!

Reader's Editor Doug Fields.  Yesterday I made an offer to candidates to send their letters to me.  Bob Bowen responded.  Just remember, the opinions expressed in this letter do not necessarily reflect those of the editors, publisher or staff:

Dear Fellow Bolingbrook Citizens and Supporters,

I am running for Trustee as I am very concerned about the financial destruction of the Village by the incumbent Trustees who have rubber stamp voted to put Bolingbrook $468 Million dollars in debt (reference p. 66 2009 Bolingbrook Financial Report)--the highest per person debt of any village or city in all of Illinois.  The same incumbent Trustees also voted to terminate 94 police officers, police dispatchers, life saving paramedics, social workers, public works personnel, and firemen.  Simultaneously they keep giving millions of our tax dollars to way over priced pay-to-play suppliers and "charities" that their friends run--friends that are their fellow Trustees and/or that sit on the same Village Board!

I've gone to Village Board meetings for the last 2 years and have asked/pleaded/insisted that the Trustee STOP pillaging OUR tax money.  Further, I offered at these same meeting over $10 Million in money savings actions to take (that would have preserved over 40 of the positions that the incumbent Trustees terminated) and also offered my services as a Fortune 500 Procurement Officer for FREE--all of which the incumbent Trustees either ignored or rejected with great animosity.

Thus I realized the only way to change anything and stop the pillaging of our tax dollars, financial decimation, and firing of essential service providing personnel was to be a Trustee myself.  And so I decided to make the substantial sacrifice of time and finances to campaign for Trustee.

We all need to vote April 5 and make sure all our friends, neighbors, and family in Bolingbrook vote April 5 to take our Village back.  I am here to represent YOUR interests, not to line pockets.  I have not accepted even $1 from any political party or special interest group in this election.  I will continue to represent YOU just as I have been doing at Village Board meetings for the past 2 years.

Please read my campaign site, www.bobofbolingbrook.com, and my campaign flyer that you can download there.  It is critically important for all of us to get to the polls Tuesday, April 5.  EVERY vote makes a difference in this election.

Together we will change OUR Village for the better and WIN. 

Thanks!

Best Regards,

Bob Bowen, Your Bolingbrook Trustee Candidate Representing YOUR Interests 
Leave your comments below, and play nice, please.

Please note: The letter from Bob Bowen is real.  Doug Fields is a fictional character.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Web Exclusive: Joe Naponiello responds!

Reader's Editor Doug Fields here. I asked Bolingbrook Village Trustee candidate Joe Naponiello to respond to charge that he wants to shutdown Bolingbrook’s schools. Here is his reply:

It seems I have heard this rumor numerous times over the last 2 weeks and several people have asked me the same questions. I don't know where this got started but NO ONE has bothered to ask me this question in writing other than yourself. I am glad you did. I would like to set the facts absolutely straight so you may pass the word around. "I do not wish to eliminate or destroy schools or the education system of any kind or anywhere". I am a firm believer in education and getting the best education possible. I think all of us need to get the most out of education for our children and for generations to come. I put myself through college while running my own business so I can get the best education for myself at that time. I know how important a good education is. I believe that a good education is mandatory but I think some people might think that if you go to school you get an education. I truly believe this is up to the individual, their work ethic and teachers and facilities. If they want education they will learn, achieve and make something of themselves. I am 500% for education, schools and the library system. We need to stimulate young minds to be good people and be productive parts of society.

Joe Naponiello
Bolingbrook, IL

If any other candidates wish to have their letters posted here, let me know by Monday afternoon. Sure you've had months to e-mail us, but that's OK.  Better late than never.

Please note: The e-mail from Joe Naponiello is real and was in response to an e-mail I sent him  I only printed the first paragraph, with his permission.  Doug Fields is a fictional character.

Manchester Mumbler: Wakefield comes clean

Note: This article comes from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler. They were advised not to run this article due to Britain's strict libel laws. So we are running this article for them.

After 12 years, Andrew Wakefield confessed to this reporter that his study linking the MMR vaccine to autism was fraudulent.

Brian Deer got it right.” Said Wakefield. “Fortunately, his investigations only made me look like a victim of Big Pharma. So he’s only a minor annoyance.”

Wakefield confirmed that he was paid by a lawyer two years before the study to discredit the MMR shot for a possible lawsuit. He was paid £150 an hour plus expenses.

“It was an unprecedented arrangement.” Admitted Wakefield. “But I was worth it.”

Wakefield also admitted that he had filed a patent for a single measles vaccine shot.

“I knew about the lawsuit to damage the MMR vaccine, so I was in the best position to create a single shot vaccine.” Said Wakefield in a matter of fact voice. “Wouldn’t you?”

He also confirmed that he changed the findings of the 12 children he studied to make it appear that the MMR vaccine caused their developmental problems.

“I started out thinking there was a problem with the MMR vaccine.” Said Wakefield. “Unfortunately, the records just weren’t cooperating. I’d already been paid quite a bit from the legal fund. Even the spinal taps and blood tests weren’t helping to prove my case. So, you know what they say, in for a penny, in for a pound.”

Despite being stricken from the medical roll, having his Lancet paper retracted, and asked to resign from board of Thoughtful House in Austin, TX, Wakefield has no regrets.

“Have you ever tried to maintain an upper class lifestyle while working as a doctor in the UK?” Asked Wakefield. “It can’t be done. If it weren’t for my work, I wouldn’t be rich and famous. But thanks to my modified studies, I got to meet Jenny McCarthy, and I have a nice home in Texas, where I get to raise my four kids.”

Wakefield also explained why he was revealing this to The Mumbler.

“I have a bet going that if I confessed to The Mumbler, no one would believe it. You know, even if I confessed to The Times, my followers would still believe my research. There is nothing you can say to shake their blind faith that the MMR vaccine causes autism. All they’ll do is wave six studies that I’ve told them support my work. Not that they know what the studies really show, but they trust me. So that bet is all but won.”

Wakefield conceded that the BMJ report has slowed acceptance of his MMR theory, but is optimistic for future opportunities for growth.

“I’m going to Minneapolis this week to talk to Somali immigrants. If I can convince them that it is better for their children to have measles then to get vaccinated, then I’ll have it made.  I wonder if my books can be translated into Somali?”

Wakefield then said he remembered something. He walked over to his suitcase and pulled out a note. He mentioned that it was from a woman he met at an anti-vaccine rally in Chicago. After saying he might stop by Chicago on the way home, he started to read the note. A few seconds later, he tossed the note to the floor.

“Bloody hell!” Exclaimed Wakefield. “She was cute too.”

Also in The Mumbler:

UFOs attack British fighters over Libya
MP: Too many commoners have college degrees
BBC: Dr. Who is not a documentary!
Manchester Women: I said stop putting me in your stories!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.