Monday, December 19, 2011

Watchdogs of Bolingbrook cancels “Until Roger Quits” campaign

Sources with connections within the “Watchdogs of Bolingbrook” blog say they have canceled a campaign against Mayor Roger Claar.

The campaign, “Until Roger Quits,” was inspired by the “Until Abortion Ends.” campaign.  Like that campaign, village residents were asked to make a sacrifice until Claar resigns, or is voted out of office.

“They expected people to make minor sacrifices, like giving up coffee, or soda.”  Said a source.  “People are giving up for those things for something a major as abortion.  They thought people wouldn’t go that far for Roger.  Just enough to make a point.”

Instead, the sources agree that two people were injured only a few days before announcing the campaign.

Paul Z Liano, a 12 year Bolingbrook resident, claims he tried to hold his breath until Mayor Claar resigned.

“Roger wants to turn Bolingbrook into a Socialist republic!”  Cried Liano.  “I had to do something.  So I sent him an e-mail, and started holding my breath!”  After several attempts, Liano became frustrated.

“I knew he doesn’t always respond to e-mails, but come on!”  Said Liano.  Liano then put tape over his mouth and nose.  Liano then remembers waking up in Adventist Bolingbrook.

“The nurses said that Roger saved my life.  He sent the police to check up on me, and they rescued me.  (Expletive Deleted!)  Thanks to our mayor, I’m tied up in his hospital!  I’m not suicidal!  I’m a political prisoner of Roger!”

Donald, who asked that we not use his last name, claims that he gave up sobriety.

“If Roger is going to socialize my water, I was going to drink booze instead.”  Said Donald.  “So I parked myself in a bar, and sent Roger a text message.”

Donald drank.  And Drank.  And Drank.  Until he woke up in Adventist.

“I asked them for a drink, and they gave me water.  Water!  I don’t want Roger’s water!  I want my booze.  I have a First Amendment right to drink booze until Roger resigns!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for The Watchdogs denied they even considered an “Until Roger Quits” campaign.

“Until Roger quits, you have a choice.  You’re either with us, or you’re against us.  If you’re against us, then you’re with Roger.  If you’re with Roger, you’re with the local 1 percent.  If you’re with the local 1 percent, that makes you evil!”

When this reporter called Claar, his receptionist said he was too busy to comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Until Bonnie stops complaining, I’m going to keep running my village!”

Also in The Babbler:

Typhon the Terrible visits Clow UFO Base.
South Elign: We don’t have too many police officers!
Happy Holidays from The Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/25/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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