Friday, December 30, 2011

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2012!



Will Tim Tebow die to absolve humanity of the sin of being a Packer fan?

Once again, 2011 was a banner year for our psychics.  They predicted that Jennifer McCreight wouldn’t organize another Boobquake, and that Obama would avoid another government shutdown.  

The Chicago Skeptics might argue Greenland didn’t fall into the sea, Roger Claar didn’t appoint Bolingbrook’s government, and Dr. Oz wasn’t confronted by Orac in Chicago.

True.  Predicting the future is not an exact science.  But we will point out that Dr. Oz was confronted by Dr. Steven Novella on the Dr. Oz show.  Hey, sometimes its hard to tell skeptical doctors apart.

So with that, we’re proud to present our psychics predictions for 2012.  They may shock you, but when these events happen, don’t say you weren’t warned!


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Shortly after midnight on New Year’s Day, Jenny McCarthy   will try to interview someone in Times Square for ABC.  The Skeptical Ninja will jump into the shot, holding a pro-vaccination sign. McCarthy will pepper spray her, and then she will be dragged away by the police.  In a later interview, The Skeptical Ninja will say it was worth it because she got more publicity than the anti-vaccination ad showing on one of the big screens.

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During a Bolingbrook Village Board meeting, Bonnie Alicea, who ran against Mayor Roger Claar in 2009, will try to speak during the public comments portion of the agenda.  Before she can, Occupy Bolingbook will do a “mic check.”  They will condemn both Alicea and Claar for their ties to businesses.  Occupy will shout that Bolingbrook deserves a better choice for mayor in 2013.

Both will look on in stunned silence.  When Occupy finishes, Claar will order the police to remove the protesters and then “reluctantly” allow Bonnie to speak.

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Following rumors that Lisle will change its name to “The Village of Lisle Sponsored By Navistar,” hundreds of residents will pack into the board room to protest.

After his fifth denial, Mayor Joe Broda will shout, “We’re not changing the name of the village.  Find something else to complain about!”

Broda will later apologize for the remark, but many will assume it means that the village board really will change the name of the village.

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Mayor Claar will gain national notoriety when he comments about The Dark Knight Rises during a board meeting.  

“I wish my young friends could see a movie about truly heroic characters.  Not one about two mumbling men beating the stuffing out of each other.”

When the video gets on YouTube, the village will be flooded with letters from angry Batman fans.  Claar will refuse to apologize, and this will be noted by some very powerful people

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The Green Bay Packers and the Denver Broncos will meet in the Super Bowl.  

Before the start of the second overtime, Broncos’ quarterback Tim Tebow will collapse and die.  Though an autopsy will determine that Tebow had a previously undiagnosed heart condition, many Christians will say he died to absolve humanity of the sin of being a Packers' fan.

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After Mitt Romney barely secures enough delegates to win the Republican Nomination, he announces that he never intended to run for President, and won’t accept the nomination.

After months of arguing, and a brokered convention, Mayor Roger Claar becomes the Republican nominee for President.

As he approaches the stage to make his acceptance speech, Michelle Bachmann also approaches the stage.  She tells Claar that she is the nominee.  Claar reminds her that she has zero delegates, and suspended her campaign after losing the Minnesota Caucus.  She replies that obviously they want her back, so she is unsuspending her campaign and doing away the formality of voting.

Security eventually removes Bachmann, and Claar makes his acceptance speech around midnight Eastern time.

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Radio Astronomer Nicole Gugliucci will solve the mystery of the Dr Who episodes broadcasting from space.

“It’s not aliens!”  Gugliucci will say.  “It’s caused by black holes!”  

She explains that TV signals from Earth are entering a four black hole solar system.  While some signals enter one of the black holes, the distorted space time field bends the signals back towards Earth.  The Dr. Who episodes just happen to be the signals that survive.

“There are about 106 episodes that the BBC lost.  I’m sure the black holes will send all of them back to us!  I can’t wait.”

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After a bitter and some times violent campaign, President Obama wins the Electoral College, but loses the popular vote.

The Supreme Court is asked to rule on the election.  The world is stunned when they agree to hear the case.

The Court rules that in this specific election, the Electoral College is unconstitutional because corporations were not given a direct vote, and each elector is bound to support a specific candidate.

The election is sent to the House of Representatives.  Despite days of rioting in Washington DC, Obama will not be considered by the House.  Instead, Democrats and Republicans compromise and elect Jeb Bush as the next President.

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Skeptics act smug as the world does not end in 2012.  They will be surprised, however, when they realize that there was no major Internet controversy involving Rebecca Watson.

Also in The Babbler:

Happy New Year from The Babbler
God refuses to heal Jay Cutler
Bolingbrook Patch readers only interested in bad news!
God to smite bolingbrook on 1/2/12


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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