Monday, December 12, 2011

Adele leaves Clow UFO Base rolling in the boos

Adele, minutes before her alien audience rioted.
(Photo based on a work by Nikotransmission)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base continued a holiday tradition with another disastrous holiday concert.

The concert ended with 130 arrests, 240 injuries, and a classified amount of property damage.

“We prefer to highlight the lack of deaths and drug related arrests.”  Said John X. Riverton, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs.  “Try going to human concert without getting a contact high.  You couldn’t get high at our Winter Festival of Human Music.”

Riverton also denied that concert’s problem was related to “the curse” of Chicago radio personalities Eric and Kathy.  

“Eric and Kathy used their only hosting opportunity to tell The Aristocrats joke.  Not only did they offend the morally upright visitors, they also bored the more open-minded civilizations present with their PG-13 version of the joke.  Despite the interstellar legends, Eric and Kathy did not curse our concerts after being barred for life.  Our past performers were perfectly bad on their own.”

The theme for this year’s concert was “Modern Western Hemisphere Dance Music.”  Sources close to the planning of the concert, felt that they could avoid past problem by focusing on one genre of music.

“If we just used some artists featured on B96, it would be simple.”  Said a source.  “We figured they’d turn on their synthesizers, do a dance, lip-sync, and collect their paycheck.  It didn’t work out that way.”

The concert started slow with a performance by artist September.  Some in the audience were warned after trying to scan her thoughts.

“I just wanted to experience the party in her head.”  Said Rin Gansu from Kepler 35c.

The concert took a turn for the worst when a very pregnant Dev took the stage.  Dev sat down throughout her entire performance, drinking water and eating food.

“Yum! Pickled chocolate!”  Exclaimed Dev.  “You guys really are from an advanced civilization!”

Near the middle of her performance, a hackler slammed her lack of dancing.

“I am came here to watch electronically enhanced human mating rituals!”  Said the unidentified heckler.  “I do not need to watch the product of those rituals.  I examine them every day.

“You try (expletive deleted) dancing while carrying a baby!”  Countered Dev.

“I can fix that problem!”  Yelled the heckler.  When the Men in Blue started dragging the heckler away, it added, “Only temporarily!  I meant only temporarily!”

While performing her hit song, “In The Dark,” the audience turned against her when she sang, “Sex/Drugs/Push to start.”  Dev stopped her performance, and cried, “You guys think I would do that while pregnant?  (Expletive deleted) you!  (Expletive deleted) all of you!  I hope you get AIDS the next time you stick an anal probe into someone!”

She cried while running off stage.

Adele shocked the audience when she walked on stage wearing a cowboy hat and Country-Western styled dress.  The audience grumbled when announced that she would only perform songs from her upcoming album.  The grumbles turned into screams as fiddle music came out of the speakers, and her dancers started square dancing.  

Adele only got five minutes into her performance before some members of the audience started rioting.  The Men in Blue fired tear gas and riot foam into the crowd  Adele was hurriedly escorted off stage while authorities restored order.  The crowd cheered after a Man in Blue announced that she would not finish her performance.  

“Country music is universally hated!”  Said an anonymous staff member.  “She could have started a war.  What was she thinking?  Why couldn’t she sing one of her songs about being dumped by a guy?  Getting rejected by a mate is a universal theme!”

Backstage, the 23 year old British artist explained herself.

“I should have been the headlining act, but they gave it to Kesha!”  Said Adele.  “If they’re not going to appreciate my music, then why should they care what I sing.  I made this my Bob Dylan goes electric moment!  So what if they didn’t like it.  They’re aliens.  That means they’re alien!  So why should I care that a bunch of aliens from an alien planet like Kesha better than a nice woman with a critically acclaimed singing voice!  I’m not bitter!  I said I’m not bitter.  After they wipe my memory , I’ll find someone better then those aliens!  I don’t have to be universally loved.  I just have to find one person to love me.  Just one!”

Adele ran away, bursting into tears.

After restoring order, Clow officials nervously awaited the start of Kesha’s performance.

“We told her not to make things worse.”  Said another staff member.  “But you never know with those music-star types.”

Their fears eased, when Kesha walked on staged wand waved to the cheering crowd.  

The Internet says I’m bigger than The Beatles!”  Yelled Kesha.  “Let’s dance!”  

The aliens seems to enjoy her performance, and The Men in Blue stood down.

“Kesha excites all ten of my senses!‘  Said Mu Goo, a fan who traveled all the way from the Small Magellanic Cloud to see her.

After the show, she dismissed her critics.

“Big stars like me can be so competitive.”  Said Kesha.  “It’s really stupid, if you think about it.  I mean we’re all going to end up on a VH1 reality show at the end of our careers.  It’s unavoidable, so all you can do is enjoy the ride before you’re at the mercy of a reality show producer.”

Kesha sniffed herself.  After liberally using body spray on herself, she splashed glitter all over her body and face.

“Better.”  She said.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment because, “He is practicing martial arts on his desk.”

Also in The Babbler:

Tim Tebow:  God doesn’t love me more than The Bears
Aliens celebrate Bolingbrook Raider’s State Football Championship
Claar: I won’t ask the military to indefinitely detain Bonnie.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/16/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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