Sunday, November 20, 2011

Web exclusive: The ‘one percent’ criticize Bolingbrook Police Department for ‘insufficient brutality’

The ‘one percent’ sent a message to Bolingbrook’s village government criticizing their response to Tuesday’s protest against Rep. Adam Kinzinger and Condoleezza Rice.

“Your police department showed insufficient brutality when confronted with an Occupy front group.”  Read the courier message, which was delivered to Trustee Rick Morales, who is also vice-president of commercial banking at Charter One Bank.  “Perhaps you did not get the memo from our last meeting.  We clearly stated that any Occupy protest must be met with a minimum of 20 arrests.  Pepper sprayed individuals count towards that quota.  Your officers did even attempt to inflict discomfort on any rabble.”

The ‘one percent’ reminded village officials that they would be compensated for the “inconvenience” of “aggressively enforcing Time Place and Manner restrictions.”  They also promised to flood all local media with “messages designed to support the police department and belittle residents making less than two million dollars.”

Officer Bob, who asked that we not use his last name, defended the Bolingbrook police.

“They were just holding up signs outside the golf club.”  Said Bob.  “They didn’t disrupt the meeting.  Heck, they didn’t even do a mic check.  They protested, and we made sure it didn’t get out of hand.”
Officer John, who also asked that we not use his last name, said the department can’t afford any more controversy.  “Have you ever sat through a training session telling you not to date a minor, or make your wife disappear?  I’d never felt so insulted in my life, and I don’t want to go through that again.”

Added Office Bob, “We’re part of the 99% too.  We just want to make Bolingbrook safe from gangs, petty criminals, domestic abusers, and obnoxious teenagers.  Beating up peaceful protesters doesn’t help.”

Chief of Police Kevin McCarthy and Mayor Roger Claar refused to comment for his article.
The Babbler did receive a copy of Claar’s response to the ‘one percent.’

“Next time you have a complaint about Bolingbrook, send the message directly to me, and then I will forward it to my trustees!  You may be the richest one percent in America, but when it comes to Bolingbrook, I’m number one!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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