Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Web Exclusive: Interstellar Court tosses Burzynski Clinic lawsuit

By Reporter X
An extraterrestrial judge threw out a libel suit filed on behalf of The Burzynski Clinic.

“In all my years serving on interstellar courts, I have never seen such an abuse of libel laws.”  Said Judge Kilos Surgon of the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit.  “Well, except in the United Kingdom, of course.”

The suit, filed by the firm of Kuazon and Corplos, accused famed Interstellar skeptic Dischum of “attempting to destroy the reputation of the brave maverick Dr. Stanislaw R. Burzynski and his struggle against Oncology!”

The plaintiffs specifically mentioned this quote from Dischum:  “Based on what I have read in posts by Dr. David Gorski, Andy Lewis, and Rhys Morgan, in the medical media, I do not believe in his antineoplastons treatment.”

Before the defense could state their case, the judge asked if the plaintiffs had objective scientific proof that Burzynski’s treatment worked.

“Why should we let science stand in the way of justice?”

“Why should justice obscure the truth?”  Retorted the judge.

“Because it’s justice?” Answered the plaintiffs.

The judge dismissed the case without listening to the defense.

A spokesperson said the firm would appeal.

“Justice is the highest ideal in galaxy!  Why should we let the so-called seekers of truth and their science based minions obscure justice?  Dr. Burzynski is not getting justice because interstellar scientists won’t give him credit for his hard work.  You can’t test for hard work!”

The firm also confirmed that they were not commissioned by the clinic to file the lawsuit.  Instead, they file lawsuits like these in Interstellar Court.  Any winnings are kept by the firm until humanity is allowed to learn the truth about the interstellar community.  Until that time, the firm collects the interest on the winnings.

“This is a win-win.”  Said the spokesperson.  “We will earn money in the short run.  Burzynski’s decedents will eventually get a large lump sum payment.”

Dischum could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for the clinic yelled something about an “Internet lynch mob!” and hung up.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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