Monday, November 28, 2011

Occupied Chicagoland: A Babbler special report

Anti-psychic Kitty poses for an Occupy Bolingbrook picture.

Anti-psychic kitty elected leader of Occupy Bolingbrook

The most skeptical creature on Earth and columnist for The Babbler, Anti-psychic kitty is now the leader of Occupy Bolingbrook.

“After we setup the Meetup page, we realized that we needed someone to distract (Mayor) Roger (Claar).”  Said Robert Finn, one of organizers of Occupy Bolingbrook.  “So we thought we’d follow Occupy Denver’s example and elect an animal as our leader.”

A self-described fan of The Babbler, Finn said Anti-psychic Kitty was an obvious choice for the general assembly.  “All three, I mean all of us, like his work.  He’s the smartest columnist in Bolingbrook.  Plus his anti-psychic powers will prevent Roger from using psychics from spying on us.  Not that we have anything to hide, except where the first camp site will be.  We want him to be surprised when we pitch the tents!

Finn also hopes that Anti-psychic Kitty will use his column space to promote the 99 Percent movement.

Anti-psychic Kitty, speaking through a facilitator communicator, accepted the position.

“I doubt I was elected to lead the group, and that’s OK.  It may be a joke to them, but to me, it is an opportunity.  An opportunity to talk to Mayor Claar about how the foreclosure crisis victimizes pets.  Maybe he can help spread the word that pets shouldn’t be left in abandon homes.  Cats, like me, love our homes, but we also love our families and we like to be fed and watered.  Dying alone in a dark cold home is a terrible way to go.  People should also support shelters like Humane Haven Animal Shelter.”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I refuse to negotiate with The Babbler’s sock puppet!  If they want to camp in our parks, they better tell me in person!  I’ll even let them do that hand waving thing!”

Occupy Naperville considers expanding to Sundays.

Sources with friends within Occupy Naperville say the group is considering marching adding Sunday marches to their schedule.

“The Saturday marches are working out for us.”  Said Dawn, who asked that we not use her last name.  “We hold up signs and wave American flags as we march towards the downtown.  Then after the General Assembly, we’ll get a bite to eat at one of the great local restaurants, then go home.  No wonder the 99 Percent movement is catching on!”

Dawn says the Sunday marches should attract more participants.  

“I can picture people coming out of church, feeling Christ-like and wanting to do good in the world.  They can keep that feeling going by marching with us, and then making a donation to the local food bank.  It doesn’t get more Christ like than that.”

Joan, a long time resident, hates the critics who question why Occupy Naperville doesn’t have a camp site.

“You don’t have to get dirty to protest injustice in this country.  We’re fortunate enough to enjoy the Naperville lifestyle, but the One Percent are endangering our way of life!  They get tax cuts, while we get cuts to our schools, our police, and our summer events!  That’s just not right!  Plus think of the damage they’re doing to the less fortunate communities!”

The part time protests are still too much for some residents.

“We’re Naperville, and we have a reputation to uphold.”  Said Paula Z. Fly.  “Protests aren’t part of that reputation.  That’s for the South suburbs and downtown Chicago.  We moved here to get away from that.  I wish these protesters would realize how fortunate they are to have freedom of speech and just shut up!”

Occupy Chicago clashes with a pub of skeptics

What was expected to be a peaceful general assembly turned into verbal clash with the local skeptical community.

During a speech in support of alternative medicine, 10 local skeptics stood up and each made wigging moose antlers with their hands.  They interrupted the speaker with a “fact check.”

“Moose antlers are the symbol of skepticism.”  Said the skeptics, adding that the symbol is in honor of PZ Myers.  “The so-called one percent may be destroying our economy and pepper spraying our family members, but we will not sacrifice the scientific method for the sake of consensus!  Reality is not up for a vote.”

The interruption irritated some of the occupiers.  

“It was so groovy looking at all the happy hands.”  Said April. “Then those so-called skeptics ruined it with their moose antlers.  They were such dicks.”

The speaker “mic checked” about “big pharma” and the need for cheaper therapies, like acupuncture.  The skeptics “fact checked” that acupuncture is no better than a placebo and was actually a tool of the “.5 percent.

“While the poor in China got acupuncture, Mao and high ranking party officials received science based medicine.  Alternative medicine exploits the 99.5 percent with distilled water and worthless needles!”

After several exchanges, Occupy Chicago tabled the resolution on alternative medicine.  The “Occupy Chicago Skeptics Pub” promised to be back.

Not all were upset with the pub of skeptics.

“One of them introduced me to their philosopher, Tim Minchin.”  Said Mark Bruce.  “His non-violent solution to the Palestine situation is inspiring.  I hope the Israeli and Palestinian members of the 99 Percent will not eat pig together!  Maybe that will end the violence there!”

A spokesperson for the Chicago Skeptics denied any involvement with the pub.

“No no!  We’re not organizing an occupation.  We’re organizing a SkeptiCamp!  It’s kind of like Occupy in that it’s very democratic.  Except we’re not occupying the streets, but a bar.  That we’re renting a room in.  Oh, and we’ll eat peppers instead of being pepper sprayed.”

Also in The Babbler:

Millions of praying Bears fans fail to heal Cutler
Mutant moles delay Boughton construction
Smugglers try to reestablish South Elgin UFO base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/1/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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