By Reporter X
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar defended his trip last week to watch the Milky Way rise over the horizon of a planet.
“Sure it was great to see a spectacular view.” Said Claar, “It was also a business trip to generate more trade in Bolingbrook. Did I mention that I didn’t spend a single dime of covert tax money?”
Gaxton, a planet with a full evening view of the entire Milky Way, is a popular tourist attraction, and a busy Intergalactic trading post. According to Claar, administrators from Earth Intergalactic bases will gather on Gaxton to celebrate Carl Sagan’s birthday.
“Carl believed in the beauty of the cosmos, and the importance of contact with other civilizations. Gaxton is where Carl’s dream comes true. I can enjoy the view while talking about intergalactic trade.”
Intergalactic trade, according to Claar, is important to Bolingbrook’s covert future.
“Earth’s economic recovery is too damn slow. The Milky Way's economy is about to go into another depression. Andromeda, on the other hand, is having an economic boom. They’re buying and we’re selling at good prices.”
When asked, Claar couldn’t cite a specific trade agreement he had negotiated during the trip, but said there was potential.
“Our gravel is the finest gravel in the Milky Way.” Exclaimed Claar. “Any merchant from Andromeda can make a profit from the 5 year round trip. Plus, we don’t have the burdensome taxes you’ll find at other urban UFO bases. Seattle’s base comes to mind.”
Claar also denied charges by The Number Crunchers Clow that he was flying on a government owned spacecraft, and that he was trying to exploit Sagan’s birthday as an excuse to take a vacation.
“The black ops section of Skeptours had a great deal for this trip. They’re a private company, not taxpayer funded. Sure I had to spend a few days with some skeptics, but I learned things. Did you know that Carl Sagan never knew the truth about aliens on Earth? The New World Order wanted to give him plausible deniability whenever he talked about UFOs. That’s sad. He would have liked meeting some of the aliens I’ve met.”
He also added that he didn’t spend any of Bolingbrook’s funds to buy a ticket.
“All the funds came from my new charity.” Said Claar. “Just like my wife helps human at risk youth, my new foundation helps Clow’s at risk alien youth to become good interstellar citizens. With the donations I’m amassing, this trip will pay for itself, and raise money for a good cause.”
When the Milky Way rose in the sunless sky, Claar addressed the visiting skeptics.
“Carl once said, ‘A still more glorious dawn awaits.’ Since the true leaders of humanity won’t let us destroy ourselves, someday we will travel here without alien assistance. I just wish Carl could have lived to see that day.”
Also in The Babbler:
Anarchists kicked out of Occupy Oswego
Aliens deny stealing Perry and Cain’s brains
Claar: No fracking under my home!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/11
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