Former Vermont governor Howard Dean is using highly advanced mind control techniques to win the Iowa Caucus, say sources.
“The governor is using cutting-edge techniques to warp people’s perceptions and trick them into voting for him.” Said Kay Amrent, a journalism professor at the University of Iowa. “Young people are susceptible to his sophisticated devices! If only it were legal to use them in class.”
Some say that Dean is using the Internet to spread his propaganda in Iowa. This could explain why he has a large number of Internet donors who give an average of less than $80.
Paul, who asked not to be identified, is one such donor.
“I was, um, doing research on line.” He said. “So I took a break and read Daily Kos. For some reason, I felt compelled to read this one diary. Before I knew it, I was on Howard’s web site. The last thing I remember, I saw a bat. I had to go to bat for Howard! Then I woke up, and saw that I had my credit card out! I gave money to him. Since I gave him money, I thought I might as well volunteer!”
His mind control isn’t limited to the Internet, says some. Jean Cubby, a Coralville resident, claims she was brought under his spell.
“I was reading the Socialist Worker, when someone knocked on my door.” Said Cubby. “When I opened the door, I saw the orange cap. Suddenly I felt the urge to discard the socialist revolution, and join the Dean revolution!” Cubby started to cry. “I was going to give up the true revolution in exchange for passing health care reform, a middle class tax cut, and ending the war in Iraq. Good thing I have years of enlightenment, I mean awareness, I mean education. I would have fallen under his spell.”
Professor Jon. Z. Lee from the University of Northern Iowa, believes Dean is using mind control, but doubts its effectiveness in Iowa.
“We’re the experts on political (expletive deleted).” Said Lee. “I doubt his web sites and hats can maintain control over the average caucus goer. I’m sure one of his opponents, maybe Gephardt, will launch an attack against him that will break the spell. It will destroy that candidate’s chances, but it will mean someone other than Dean will win.”
Lee, however, thinks Dean’s mind control efforts could win over the rest of the country. “Candidates who win Iowa rarely win the general election. Just ask President Dole. You know, as long as Howard doesn’t act like a screaming madman trying to conquer the United Sates, he could defeat George Bush.”
A contact at Dean headquarters answered the phone, asking if this reporter would “Go to Bat for Howard.” After saying no, the contact hung up the phone.
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