Will Steve Job address the cult of Mac on 8/2/12? Some high priests in Naperville, IL believe he will.
“The signs are obvious!” Said Rev. Steve Redman. “He would never leave us without saying, ‘there's one more thing!’ There is one more thing, and he will reveal it to us next year.
Redman cites the blog posts of his assistant, Rev. Steve Jonas. According to Jonas, Apple is leaving clues to Job’s return.
“First is the name of the new iPhone.” Said Jonas. “iPhone 4S. iPhone. For. S. S meaning Steve. iPhone for Steve! That means the iPhone for Steve is a prelude to the return of Steve Jobs! That’s what Apple is telling us!”
Jonas believes that if enough people buy the iPhone 4S, and are comfortable with the new voice assistant feature, Siri, Apple will release an iPhone 5 next year. He also believes he knows when the iPhone 5 will be released.
“The clue is in the 4S’s chip! The A2! Why call it an A2? Because ‘A’ is the name of the month it will be released. April is too soon to release a new phone. So they have to release it in August!”
As for his 6 PM prediction, Jonas says it is also obvious.
“Siri is really a code word for six! Apple announces their products in the afternoon. So it must be 6 PM. Only the Windows sheeple will fail to see this obvious sign!”
Redman believes he knows what Jobs will say on every iPhone 5 that fateful day.
“He will announce that death is a state of being that we should embrace as much as we embrace life. He’ll say that we must live life to the fullest if we want the best possible afterlife. Then he’ll say, ‘there’s one more thing.’ Then he’ll introduce iDeath! It will change the way we experience the afterlife!”
Another Naperville priest, Rev. Steve Shaw has a more moderate opinion.
“Siri is a language spoken in Nigeria. So obviously Steve Jobs faked his own death and moved to Africa. Only a supporter of atheist billionaire taxer Bill Gates believes Jobs is dead!”
Larry, an employee at the Naperville Apple Store, didn’t answer this reporter’s question about the alleged return of Steve Jobs.
“If you want to find out, I would suggest lining up outside of our store to buy the new iPhone and accessories on October 14th. At the very least, you can honor the man by buying the last product he was involved with. Of course, all you Android users might want to stop by to feel the spirit of Jobs flowing through you! It is never to late to repent!”
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