Monday, October 24, 2011

Martian colonist spotted at Occupy Chicago


Enhanced photo of an alleged Martian Colonist.
By Reporter X

Clow UFO officials are investigating eyewitness reports of a Martian colonist attending last Saturday’s Occupy Chicago protest.

“If these photos, videos, and eyewitness accounts are accurate, an inadequately disguised Martian participated in a questionable public rally.” Said Paul Lang of Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.

Photos, enhanced by The Babbler, suggest that a hooded figure at the protest had an inhuman aura.  Assuming the filter works, the wind didn’t shake the camera, and the conditions were ideal, the aura belongs to a Martian colonist.

Some eyewitnesses also believe the figure was not human.

Said protestor Paula K. Millington, “I was just trying to yell at the cops without being violent, when this masked guy tapped my shoulder.  Lots of guys wear masks at these things, so that didn’t bother me.  Then he said, ‘Excuse me, how do you breath in this thick air.  Now that was weird!”

Susan Z. Parker, a member of the South Side True Socialist Party of Chicago Reformed, also had a conversation with the figure.

“I handed him a free copy of our newspaper, long live Karl Marx.  He started talking about the .5 percent podlings who are destined to rule the colonies, Trotsky was wrong.  He was really weird, and mask didn’t help, Mao didn’t wash his stripes!”

Conservative activists, who follow local alien activities, denounced the colonist.

“This is proof that the Occupy Everywhere movement is controlled by islamic Nazi aliens!”  said Jeff E. Rand, of the Human freedom foundation.  “You want to make things better?  Blow up Clow UFO base when the Fed’s governors visit!”

Bruce N. Proctor, an Interstellar expert for the National Lawyers Guild, said the presence of a Martian colonist does not mean Occupy Chicago is under alien control.

“The Martian Colonies are run by a ruthless imperialist government that makes the United States look like Norway.  It’s quite possible that this interplanetary resident wanted to show solidarity with humanity’s 99 percent.  Instead of being racist and xenophobic, we should reach out and embrace the Colonial 99 percent.  Occupy Mars shouldn’t be an internet joke.  It should be a movement to liberate our solar system from imperialism.”

Lang said that Clow officials will remind that the residents aliens that they should support or oppose human protests from behind the scenes.  Occupy protests are considered “Red Class” events that should be avoided.

“We understand that the message of Occupy Chicago has universal appeal.  However, that doesn’t mean the entire universe should be camping out in Chicago.  Some protests should be left to humanity, and this is one of them.”

The Martian colonial ambassador could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

God cancels Rapture!
Chicago Skeptics coverup Wisconsin Bigfoot
Ghost calls home using iPhone’s Suri software
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/27/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Phoo Bear said...

I think it's remarkable that you left out the most glaring possibility of the identity of the supposed "alien".
Obviously it's none other than Garth!
The hoodie is meant to hide his true identity.
And this realization begs the question, who let him out of Aurora, in fact, who let Aurora out of Aurora?
We in Montana need to know the answers to these pressing queries if we want to keep the "off-world" aliens out of Montana, such known critters as Rom Emanuel, who we all know is an off-world reptilian from the planet Homophobia Minor (located in the vicinity of Betelgeuse).