Monday, October 3, 2011

Bolingbrook to resist ‘Occupy Everywhere’

Could Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar one day walk into his office and see thousands of protesters wearing Guy Fawkes masks behind the Bob Bailey Town Center? Not without a fight, say sources within the village.

Village officials, say the sources, are following the recent Occupy protests around the country.  What started as a protest outside of Wall Street, has grown to a national movement and threatens to go global.

“If we don’t prepare,” said one relative of a village staffer, “We could be flooded with protesters by November 5th!”

The sources fear that once there are protests in all major cities, young people in the suburbs will decide they’re “cool” and start protesting.  Bolingbrook could be paralyzed by daily marches and constant cyber attacks.

“Roger didn’t spend 25 years making Bolingbrook a pro-business community, only to have some punks tear it down!”  said one source.  

“They’re already in Chicago.”  Said the wife of another source.  “Who knows when they’ll be here?”

Many feel that protests will be limited due to the layout of Bolingbrook.  The lack of a downtown and busy streets will limit any attempts at a march.  The only major gathering location, behind Town Center, is conveniently located next to the police station.

According to a police officer, “We could conduct massive arrests in minutes instead of hours, like most major communities.  We wouldn’t even need pens if we had to stray pepper spray.  The pound will keep people herded in the right direction.”

Steve, a close confidant to Claar, said the mayor wasn’t fully aware of the extent of the threat.

“I told him that we could have protests in Bolingbrook unless we acted.  He didn’t look up from his laptop.  He just said, ‘Arrest Bonnie!’  I told him these were 1960s style protesters.  That got his attention.”

Sources say the village is now taking additional precautions.  Stores are being warned not to sell camping gear to people whose hair is “either too long or too short.”  Valley View School District will have a special “Guy Fawkes Truth Day,” to highlight his anti-democracy views.  The village has also asked Redbox to hold back any videos that “promote or highlight any revolutions.”

Villages fear what will happen if the Occupy protesters take over.

“They believe in consensus rule.”  Said a village employee.  “Can you imagine what would happen if Roger, Cedra Crenshaw, and Bob had to agree on any resolution?  There aren’t enough hand signals in the world that could resolve the differences between them!”

When asked to comment, Claar chuckled, and said, “I’m sure the world would end before the residents of Bolingbrook would riot.  Remember, I am Bolingbrook, and I don’t riot!”

Also in The Babbler:

Crenshaw: No gay marriages at Clow UFO Base
Giant Moles tunnel towards other streets
Anti-psychic kitty:  Cats do have feelings, just like humans, only better!
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 10/6/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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