Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Web Exclusive: PZ Myers tries to smoke out Illinois

Minnesota professor, atheist, and alleged mad scientist PZ Myers may be behind the clouds of smoke over the Chicago area.

Sources with friends with relatives in the area claim that Minnesota Talking Land Squids were responsible for the Pagami Creek wildfire in Northeast Minnesota.

“I was fishing in Deer Yard Creek, when I saw something move.”  Said Randy X. Jourgensen.  “I didn’t think much about it at the time, but it might have looked slimy, and maybe it had more than four legs.  After I heard about the fires, I realized that it was one of those damn land squids! They must have caused the fire.”

The Talking Minnesota Land Squids were, according to the Minnesota Department of Paranormal Affairs, created by Myers for his PhD dissertation.  They, according to his critics, are his servants and only act under his direction.

DPA agent Wendy said Myers confessed to starting the fires.

“I asked him if he was mad.  He said, ‘I am mad!  Mad at Obama for not banning religion!  If I smoke out his state, he will have no choice but to do what I say!”

Wendy added that she wanted to arrest him, but the department’s jail was closed due to budget cuts.

“Someday we will stop PZ’s reign of terror!”

When finally reached, Myers pointed out that he lives in Western Minnesota, far away from the fires.

“I don’t care how many times you write about me.”  Said Myers.  “I will never link to your web site!”

Myers then denied that any of his children are Christians.

“If they were, I would still love them.  As I always say, hate the delusion, love the delusional!”

The smoke is expected to clear the Chicago area by the end of the week.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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