Monday, September 5, 2011

‘Top Gear’ hosts harass Bolingbrook

Eyewitnesses claim that the BBC harassed Bolingbrook residents while filming an episode of “Top Gear.”

Lydia, a student at Bolingbrook Hight School, claims she saw a man, who looked like Jeremy Clarkson, shooting a super-soaker at students walking home.

“He was laughing, and saying things, like ‘I’m the worlds oldest gangster.’  It was really weird.  It would have been funny if I wasn’t worried about getting soaked.”

According to eyewitnesses, Clarkson was pulled over by the Bolingbrook police officer.  When asked what he was doing, Clarkson replied that since Top Gear was filming in Bolingbrook, they thought it would appropriate to find out the what is the best car to use in a drive-by shooting.

The officer, according to the witnesses, dropped his jaw for a second.  He replied that while there are gangs in Bolingbrook, drive-by shootings are not a problem.

Clarkson pulled out a piece of paper.  “According to this web site, there was one here!”

The office shook his head.  “You need to read Bonnie’s web sites with full saltshaker.”  He added that he could arrest him for assaulting pedestrians.

Clarkson grinned and pulled out another piece of paper.  “I believe this coupon entitles me to be treated the same as you would treat your mayor!”

“So you want me to call your wife and ask her what I should do?”

“Good point.”

The officer, according to the witnesses, wrote Clarkson a ticket, and gave him a warning.

Paul Z. Wakeman, a resident of the Beaconridge subdivision, said he was walking to the grocery store, when he heard what sounded like rapid succession of firecrackers going off.  Seconds late, he saw a man, who looked like Richard Hammond, race away in a sports car, and drift around a corner.

“Even though the tires were squealing, I could clearly hear him screaming in terror.”  Said Wakeman.
Linda X. Sherman was walking her dog by Mayor Roger Claar’s home, when an SUV stopped next to her.  Behind the SUV was a black van with shaded dome.  As the SUV’s window dropped, she recognized the driver as James May.

“Excuse me.”  May said.  “Might you be able to direct me to the library?”

Sherman started to give him directions, when he looked over at Claar’s driveway.

“Ooh!”  Exclaimed May.  “A Jaguar!”

May, according to Sherman, got out of his car, and walked up to Claar’s home.  After knocking on the door, Claar opened the door.

“I thought I heard Roger say, ‘You’re the slow wine guy on the BBC.’  I didn’t hear the rest, but I did see James walk into the house.”

Sherman continued her.  When she walked by the house again, she saw the film crew filming May’s departure.  An obviously intoxicated May praised the “high level of culture in this deceptively simple suburb.  You have the finest collection of spirits in Chicago!  Now I will attend your Theater on the Hill.  How could I have let the producers convince me that it was OK to fire a water gun on this community?

“The film crew drove him home, so I was relieved.  Roger didn’t leave the home for the rest of the day either.”

The next day, the Top Gear Crew were spotted around The Promenade.

Juanita, a customer service supervisor, said she overheard Clarkson talking to a camera man during his lunch.

Clarkson said, according to her, “You know, today I saw a Mexican doing backbreaking work outside.  Then I saw another one doing the thankless job of cleaning tables.  You know what this means?  Bolingbrook is the home of the only hardworking Mexicans in the world!

“I wanted to smack him.”  Said Juanita.  “But then I’d have to deal with police and prove that I born in America.  I hate having to carry my birth certificate with me everywhere I go.”

Ronnie, a clerk at Binny’s claims that May almost destroyed the store’s wine stock.

“I looked up and there was this small European city car driving though the automatic doors.  First I was shocked that it was so small.  Then I was shocked that he could drive it though the store.”

Ronnie overcame his shock when May used one of the side mirrors to knock off bottles from the shelf.
“I pounded on his window and told him to stop.”  Said Ronnie.  “When he rolled down the window, I asked him what he was doing?  He apologized for destroying our ‘crappy’ Idaho wines!  If I hadn’t stopped him, he might knocked over one shelf and started a chain reaction! Can you imagine all the cleaning I would have to do?”

Paul X. Goldman, a security guard, said he saw the Top Gear team perform a dangerous stunt.

“They told us not to worry when the helicopters put their three cars on top of the Macy’s building.”  
Said Goldman.  “I did worry when one of the cars drove off the roof and crashed in front of the entrance.  Sure, the crew cleared out the area, but they weren’t supposed to drive them off the roof!”

Goldman said Hammond was pulled out of the car by a private safety crew.  Goldman said he demanded that Hammond explain what was going on.  Hammond, according to Goldman, said that they were performing a public service for the residents of Bolingbrook.  They wanted to show them what the safest suburban cars are.

“What better way to do that, then to drive them off one of the tallest structures in Bolingbrook?”  Said Hammond.

Eventually, the hosts fled Bolingbrook because the police discovered that they had arrest warrants for setting a man on fire in Norway.  The hosts were driven away by a “tame race car driver” known as “The Stig.”  His identity was confirmed by officer John Z. Potter.

“I pulled him over a few hours before the big chase.  He didn’t say anything on camera, but when the cameras were off, he said two things about ducks, and they were both wrong.  I knew it was him.”

When reached for comment Clarkson denied ever filming an episode in Bolingbrook.  While he appreciated the Shakespearian name, he said he doubted the UK hosts would ever film in the US again.

“If we filmed any more episodes in the states, we’d get so fat we couldn’t fit in our cars back home.”

Also in The Babbler:
Claar: I will not replace police with mercenaries!
China denies bidding on Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce
Chicago: Upscale tree houses are the new mansions
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/11.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

class action lawyer said...

Looks like these jerks do not know how to behave maturely in front of these residents. I wonder what made them think that they can do anything they want everywhere.