Sunday, September 11, 2011

From 2001: Terrorists responsible for Bolingbrook UFO crash!

From the editor:  Today, The Babbler joins the world in remembering the 9/11 Attacks.  We also ask Bolingbrook to remember the brave aliens who lost their lives during the 11/15/01 attack against Bolingbrook.  We should also be thankful that the following war was short and ended in total victory against the terrorists.

The following was a special story posted on The Babbler's web site following the attack.

Sources close to the Office of Extraterrestrial Affairs confirmed that the 11/15/01 UFO crash was caused by space terrorists. The terrorists, according to the source, were attempting to crash the craft into Mayor Claar's home.

"Could you imagine the shock such a disaster could have caused throughout the Galaxy." Said the source. "The home of Mayor Roger Claar, a great interstellar leader, in flames. Imagine the horror of knowing that Mayor Claar is dead. His death alone could trigger two interstellar wars! If that weren't bad enough, could you imagine the people in that poor subdivision? The Men in Blue would have been forced to erase their memories. Oh my God. Some of them might have even forgotten that Roger ever existed. The horror!"

The source, we'll call Dexter, revealed the details of the deadly UFO crash. The Alpha Centauri freighter Malkomoon was hijacked when it reached the Martian orbit. The terrorists, armed with cans of whipped cream, and Cheese Whiz, stormed the cockpit, and killed the four pilots.

"That stuff is relatively harmless to humans, but it's like acid to the residents Alpha Centauri 4. Those poor aliens. No security system in the known universe could have detected those weapons of mass destruction.

The aliens are believed to be members of The Shining Base of Alba. The SBA believes that Bolingbrook has been cursed by Alba, a god worshiped on 137,000 worlds. SBA fanatics believe that all evil in the universe will be destroyed when aliens stop visiting the village. So far the SBA has claimed responsibility for 3 floods, and two power outages.

"If any group is capable of hijacking a UFO and crashing it into Bolingbrook, it's the SBA." Said Michelle Webber, an expert in space terrorism. "These guys make Osama look like a girl scout! They really, really, really hate Bolingbrook, and they will do anything to destroy us. They think their doing a lesser act of evil, to defeat evil itself! They're crazy."

It's not clear what happened during the flight to Bolingbrook. The UFO's crystal box recorded what sounds like arguing. The head terrorist is heard announcing that everything will be fine, and not to panic.

Just when the UFO started its nose dive towards Mayor Claar's house, a struggle is heard in the background. Then the UFO veered away from Mayor Claar's home. The crew is heard chanting, "USA! USA!" Seconds later, the UFO crashes next to the Bolingbrook Meijer and Clow UFO Base. One-hundred flight crew members and maybe 20 terrorists were killed.

Mayor Claar, according to Dexter, is demanding swift retaliation. He showed us a statement Mayor Claar issued to the Union of Planets.

"I have just spoken with the unofficial ruler of Earth, Dick Chaney. He has turned over command of the Black Ops Space Fleet to me. Any planet which houses the SBA will be destroyed! Unlike our great leader, I don't give a damn about civilian casualties! Surrender the terrorists, or face the wrath of Bolingbrook!"

No one from the Village Government could be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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