Monday, September 26, 2011

Aliens give Joshie Berger’s cooking mixed reviews


By Reporter X
Joshie Berger may no longer be the worst cook in America, but he still has a long way to go to impress Bolingbrook’s extraterrestrials.  

Berger, winner of the Food Network show The Worst Cooks in America, prepared special dishes for 10 alien ambassadors at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  While cooking in front of them, he talked about using his fame to spread skepticism.

“Before, I was just a lawyer.”  Said Berger.  “People only wanted to talk to me if they were in trouble, or wanted me to be the butt of a joke.  After I won the show, everyone wanted to talk to me.  That’s when I tell them my life story.  After that, I stress the importance of thinking critically!”

According to Berger, he grew up in a Hasidic Jewish family.  He eventually left the faith and embraced atheism and science.  He never learned to cook while growing up at home.

“I now think of all those poor men who will never know the joy of creating a masterpiece on the grill, or the women forced to slave away over a stove.  All because of a several thousand year-old book!”

Fame from the show also lead to his discovery by The New World Order.

“I thought they were crazy people at first, but then they took me inside a flying saucer.  I was skeptical of course, but they let me touch the aliens, and fly the thing.  When they answered all of my questions, I finally believed in alien spacecraft.  After they asked me to help spread skepticism, I asked where I could sign up.  Sure it involved a cover-up of aliens, but that’s only until the entire human race embraces skepticism.”

While the ambassadors appreciated his presentation, Berger’s individually prepared dishes were met with mixed reviews.

“I love black bread!”  Exclaimed Ambassador Xichomo.  “Must humans are afraid to cook it this long.  They either turn it to ashes, or stop when it is fluffy.  My compliments to Joshie!”

Another ambassador ate his dish, and started convulsing.  Medical crews had to perform an emergency stomach removal.  As it was being removed from the room, the ambassador made an obscene gesture towards Berger.

Berger didn’t seem concerned.  “I heard he’ll grow another stomach, and if he couldn’t make a rational argument against my cooking, then I won’t take him seriously.”

When this reporter tried to contact Berger, his receptionist said he was busy and couldn’t comment.  She suggested meeting with Berger at Chicago Skeptics Drinking Skeptically Event on 9/30/11.  It will be at Galway Arms in Chicago from 7:00 PM to 10:00 PM.

In the background, a man who sounded like Berger said, “Oh yeah?  We’ll I’m enjoying a lobster and bacon sandwich and loving it!  You may be keeping kosher, but I’m keeping it real!”

Also in The Babbler:
No one occupying Bolingbrook’s Village Hall
Editorial: UFO’s break the speed of light all time! Why can’t neutrinos?
SGU plays D and D instead of taking the $5 Challenge
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/1/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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