Tuesday, August 30, 2011

New Will County water agency to harvest icebergs

Hours after being signed into law, the Northern Will County Joint Action Water Agency began planning to harvest water from icebergs.

“We need a Plan B.” Said a source within the new agency. “Illinois American Water might prevent us from taking over their pipeline. What would happen then? You can’t have a water agency without water? That’s like having a Department of Defense without an enemy to defend against.”

According to various sources, The NWCJAWA’s Plan B is to capture an Iceberg in the Atlantic Ocean, and tow it to a Canadian port. The agency would then ask Canada to build a pipeline to transport the water to Will County.

“They’re already building a tar sands pipeline. What’s one more pipeline? Besides, the Canadians subsidize everything. I’m sure we’re making them feel better by allowing them to subsidize our water supply.”

Another source says this pipeline will be a win-win for the economy and the environment.

“We’ll be keeping the North Atlantic seaways clear of icebergs. That makes sea travel safer. Plus we’ll be keeping fresh water out of the Gulf Stream. We’re doing our part to prevent the gulf stream from shutting down. Sure it’ll cost us some money, but think of the money people will owe Roger! I mean Will County!”

A third source thinks that, unlike Clow International Airport and the Bolingbrook Golf Club, this agency will turn a profit.

“The suburbs like to brag about having Lake Michigan water in their pipes. They act like it’s bottled water. It had fish in it! Now, imagine offer these same discriminating suburbanites arctic water fresh from a pipeline! They’ll drink it up. So to speak!”

Bolingbrook’s two watchdog groups, The Number Crunchers, and the Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook, denounced the proposed plan.

“Governments don’t create jobs by funding projects.” Said Jean, who claims to be a spokesperson for The Number Crunchers. “Governments create jobs by cutting services, selling off public property, and giving tax breaks to the rich. Then the rich gives the extra money to members of the Tea Party. The more tea party members there are, the more money that will trickle down.  If enough of it trickles down, more jobs will be created.”

Doug, who claims to be a spokesperson for The Watch Dogs, took a different approach.

“Your making this too hard!” Wrote Doug in an e-mail. “Bonnie says its bad. That’s all we need to no!”

When asked to comment, Claar simply replied, “Once the agency is up and running, maybe we’ll help you write a special report on water rationing!”

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-psychic Kitty challenges Rick Perry to an IQ contest
Skeptic Jeff Wagg now a “weredeer consultant”
Gaddafi spotted in Naperville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/3/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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