Monday, August 1, 2011

Black Ops budget battle threatens to shutdown Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base could be shutdown for the first time in nearly 60 years unless Congress approves the black ops budget.

If US government doesn’t approve a budget by next week, The New World Order will “audit” the US Government. No government has ever been fully audited before, but a partial audit of France in 1968 almost brought down the government.

Republicans on the House Subcommittee on Capitol Maintenance are demanding the following riders be added to the budget.

  • Turn over Medicare to Groupon to create a “more responsive” program
  • Raise the Social Security Retirement age to 80
  • Temporarily extend the Bush tax cuts for 100 years
  • Ban abortion and punish doctors who performed abortions up to 10 years before enactment of the budget.
  • Criminalize long term unemployment
  • Enact a moratorium on naturalizing citizens “from nontraditional allies”
  • Promote “academic freedom” by removing “evolution restrictions” from all schools
  • Add Reagan’s likeness to Mount Rushmore
  • Exempt from cuts any military programs that involve space and time

President Barack Obama, sources say, is reluctant to agree to the terms so soon after “giving in” to the Republican’s terms to raise the debt ceiling.

“You don’t expect us to just do nothing while the most radical president in history gives us 98 percent of what we want.” Said Representative Judy Biggert. “We have to take every opportunity to get that final two percent, and then some.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, is angry at the slow progress of negotiations.

“This is nonsense!” Exclaimed Claar. “Clow and Bolingbrook survived an invasion from a 1000 years in the future! I’m not going to let a bunch of elected bureaucrats destroy my community!”

Claar says he wants a deal as soon as possible to avoid “clouds of uncertainty” throughout the galaxy.

“If aliens think Clow is going to close shortly after they land, they not going to come here. That costs the village billions in lost business! If there’s one thing I (expletive deleted) hate is lost business! Our covert funds kept Bolingbrook afloat during the Great Recession. We can’t afford to deplete those funds if the economy goes south again.”

He also added that he wasn’t afraid to employ his own version of “disaster diplomacy” to create a solution.

“I could have arrange for a free village picnic next to Clow, and then have the staff ‘accidentally’ turn off the cloaks. Even the Chicago Skeptics couldn’t cover that up!”

Despite his anger, Claar is optimistic that there will be a solution to the crisis.

“Obama always gives in and brings the Democrats with him.”

When asked for a comment, a White House intern laughed, and apparently pulled out a piece of paper.

“As long as the Republicans don’t get everything they want, we will support any bipartisan plan!”

Also in The Babbler:

SGU announces mind control broadcast
YouTube Misogynist hates Babbler
Watchdogs of Bolingbrook call for anarchy
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 8/5/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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