Tuesday, August 30, 2011

New Will County water agency to harvest icebergs

Hours after being signed into law, the Northern Will County Joint Action Water Agency began planning to harvest water from icebergs.

“We need a Plan B.” Said a source within the new agency. “Illinois American Water might prevent us from taking over their pipeline. What would happen then? You can’t have a water agency without water? That’s like having a Department of Defense without an enemy to defend against.”

According to various sources, The NWCJAWA’s Plan B is to capture an Iceberg in the Atlantic Ocean, and tow it to a Canadian port. The agency would then ask Canada to build a pipeline to transport the water to Will County.

“They’re already building a tar sands pipeline. What’s one more pipeline? Besides, the Canadians subsidize everything. I’m sure we’re making them feel better by allowing them to subsidize our water supply.”

Another source says this pipeline will be a win-win for the economy and the environment.

“We’ll be keeping the North Atlantic seaways clear of icebergs. That makes sea travel safer. Plus we’ll be keeping fresh water out of the Gulf Stream. We’re doing our part to prevent the gulf stream from shutting down. Sure it’ll cost us some money, but think of the money people will owe Roger! I mean Will County!”

A third source thinks that, unlike Clow International Airport and the Bolingbrook Golf Club, this agency will turn a profit.

“The suburbs like to brag about having Lake Michigan water in their pipes. They act like it’s bottled water. It had fish in it! Now, imagine offer these same discriminating suburbanites arctic water fresh from a pipeline! They’ll drink it up. So to speak!”

Bolingbrook’s two watchdog groups, The Number Crunchers, and the Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook, denounced the proposed plan.

“Governments don’t create jobs by funding projects.” Said Jean, who claims to be a spokesperson for The Number Crunchers. “Governments create jobs by cutting services, selling off public property, and giving tax breaks to the rich. Then the rich gives the extra money to members of the Tea Party. The more tea party members there are, the more money that will trickle down.  If enough of it trickles down, more jobs will be created.”

Doug, who claims to be a spokesperson for The Watch Dogs, took a different approach.

“Your making this too hard!” Wrote Doug in an e-mail. “Bonnie says its bad. That’s all we need to no!”

When asked to comment, Claar simply replied, “Once the agency is up and running, maybe we’ll help you write a special report on water rationing!”

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-psychic Kitty challenges Rick Perry to an IQ contest
Skeptic Jeff Wagg now a “weredeer consultant”
Gaddafi spotted in Naperville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/3/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Mayor Claar gets approval to coverup ancient astronaut landing site

Did ancient astronauts trade with the Native Americans?
By Reporter X

Sources within the Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs confirm that the 95TH Street Bridge extension bridge will destroy an ancient astronaut landing site.

“(Mayor Roger Claar) doesn’t trust the county government to preserve the area.” Said Donny, a source within the department. “So he thinks it is better to pave over the old landing site, than to wait for some utility worker to dig up the runway.”

According to some scholars, all of ancient humanity’s technological advances are the result of alien visitations. Famous ancient landing sties include Stonehenge, Egypt, and Nazca.

A few of those scholars believe that the Potawatomi tribe traded with space aliens over 2000 years ago. What is now the northern end of Kings RD was once their primary interstellar trading post. Other tribes, the theory goes, saw the floating lights, and assumed that they balls of fire. Hence the tribe became known as “The Keepers of the Fire.” After the aliens ended flights to the post, the Potawatomi were given the responsibility of keeping the ceremonial fire for the Odawa and Ojibiwas tribes.

Some of Clow UFO Base’s alien residents want the site to be preserved.

“The remains of this base should serve as an example of how to trade with other cultures.” Said Donloc Podock, a contributor to The Number Crunchers Clow. “The traders made sure to sterilize all their items before handing them over to the Native Americans. They also did market research to make sure they had items the local tribes would want. So they fairly compensated the natives for their items. Furthermore the traders didn’t need to steal their land to make a profit. Now Claar wants to bulldoze over this memorial to multiculturalism!”

Steve, a friend of Claar’s, says the site is too important to be allowed to exist. “He said, ‘Steve, we not only have to cover up present UFOs. We have to cover up the past. I think a layer of concrete will cover it up quite nicely!”

A spokesperson for the Potawatomi seemed interested in our account of their history.

“Wow! All I can say is that we could use people like you in our casino!” Said the spokesperson.

When called, Claar answered the phone and replied, “At this time, I am not going to be a guest on Top Gear, and if I were, I will not be driving their reasonably priced car! I insist on driving my campaign car!”

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-psychic kitty pans Nightline psychic special
Claar: No special railroad for ‘rail therapy’ business
Naperville man raises funds to restore second moon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/24/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Web Exclusive: Illinois True Family Association calls for mandatory Sunday School attendance

The Illinois True Family Association wants all Illinois residents to have 120 hours of Christian Sunday School Education regardless of religious background. They issued the demand following the release of a video by YouTube user, UAJamie.

“This video shows incredible ignorance about the religion that is the basis of our government!” Said Paul K. Emerson, spokesperson for the ITFA. “It’s bad enough that most Social Studies teachers believe the country was founded on secularism. Now we see the result of their indoctrination: An adult that has never read the New Testament!

Emerson hopes that by requiring residents to attend Sunday school, it will bring the state together.

“We don’t give guns to criminals, why should we give driver licenses to people who are criminals in the eyes of the lord?”

The ITFA believes their law complies with the First Amendment because the government wouldn’t offer the Sunday school classes.

“If we’re going to require people to get health insurance from a private insurer, we should require them to get moral health insurance from a private church!”

Emerson says he fears for the future of Christianity, if their program isn’t implemented.

“Our state will be filled with debt and crime if we don’t embrace religion. It is this ignorance of the true religion that drives people to either worship the Muslim box, think a cow gave birth to the universe, or mutilate their genitals while ignoring their true King!”

The Babbler tracked down UAJamie, who goes by Jamie in the real world. Jamie, who is also the vice-president of The Women Thinking Free Foundation, says she stands by the video, and will put up with the hassles of Internet fame.

“It’s better to interviewed by The Babbler, than harassed by David Mabus.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Babbler’s 2011 Student To Look Up To

Editor Sara Langston
By Sara Langston
Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler

At a time when certain web sites attack the Valley View School District, we at The Babbler want to celebrate the students. Every day, they risk UFO abduction, Weredeer attacks, and pandering politicians to go to school and hope to be eventually be accepted into a college.

While some students, unfortunately, give into temptations, or become too smart to relate to the average person, some become unique role-models. Someone that all students, regardless of clique, should emulate. Each year, we choose one of those students to highlight.

For 2011, we have selected Bobby G. Habenstein as our Student To Look Up Too. Habenstein, a junior at Bolingbrook High School, seems like your ordinary High School student. He, however, has a talent.

“At first I thought I could speak with dead people.” Said Habenstein

Habenstein realized that he had the power after his grandfather, Robert, died when Bobby was only 9.

“It was so comforting to know I could speak to him any time! Not only that, but he was always nice to me, and always said the right thing!”

Habenstein then used his talent to help other help his friends.

“I was banned from a few homes and some of my churchgoing friend’s parents said I was in league with the devil. So I started charging for my services. I mean, it was a lot of trouble, and my parents didn’t give me enough for my allowance.”

Habenstein continued to practice in secret until he bumped into a man in Chicago.

“We were at a pet supply shop. He was trying to get some high quality catnip to impress his girlfriend’s cat. So we started talking, and he brought up that he liked to study psychics. I mentioned that I was one.”

The man, according to Habenstein, gave him his e-mail address, and asked him to speak to James Randi.

“I accepted, because it was kind of an unusual last name.” Said Habenstein. “I figured it was an easy few bucks.”

After e-mailing his reading, the man replied that it was very interesting, because Randi is still alive. Not only that, but if he had known Randi was alive, Habenstein might have been eligible a million dollar prize.

“I was devastated.” Said Habenstein. “Was I really fooling myself, like the man said? Was I imagining my grandfather’s voice.”

Now many teens would have turned to something destructive, like drugs, crime, or atheism, to deal with him pain. Habenstein didn’t.

“I realized that I wasn’t listening to the dead. I was listening to the souls of the living!” The voices of the dead, were really the memories of the deceased that is carried in the soul of their loved ones.”

Habenstein realized that the deceased live on through our soul’s memory. By talking to the memories, he can help others come to terms with their loss, and resolve any issues they may have had with the deceased.”

“So I wasn’t talking to my grandfather. I was repairing my memory of him. So in a sense, he lives on though me, and has become a part of me.”

Habenstein now charges for “soul therapy” and hopes to apply for the million dollar prize next year. He feels grateful for the man he met in Chicago.

“He showed me that I could be wrong, yet only have to make a minor change to my beliefs. I’m still special, and I still have a power. I just have a better understanding of it now.”

Changing his mind, but still keeping an open mind towards reality, Bobby Habenstein is The Babbler’s 2011 Student To Look Up To.

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptics enjoy Mabus free weekend
Teachers fear Kesha Crisis
Source: Bonnie to drill for water in protest of new water agency
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/19/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Web Exclusive: Aliens enjoy Drescher/McCreight ‘conversation’

By Reporter X

For the first time in years, an event at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base sponsored by the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science did not turn into a riot. Instead, participants watched what was billed as a “conversation” between two popular skeptical bloggers, Jennifer McCreight from Blag Hag, and Barbara Drescher from ICBS Everywhere.

“Instead getting sprayed with riot foam, the audience got to see two strong women talk about their very different visions of the skeptical movement.” Said Donald K. McCarthy, spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs. “We’re sorry about the body scans and extensive probing. We still remember the Pamela Gay riot.”

After the audience took their seats in front of a stage guarded by Men in Blue and Arcturus Shock Troops, interstellar media sensation Rwock Dulack introduced the two bloggers and said they would talk about “The Human Female Prospective on the Future of Scientific Skepticism.” He added that IAAS is concerned about discord from women within the skeptical movement. While they plan on monitoring the upcoming “Women in Secularism” conference, they felt the conference lacked diversity of opinions.

“We choose these two women, because they represent two clear directions the skeptical movement on Earth can take.” Said Dulack. Dulack added that the IAAS had no opinion on which direction the movement takes, as long as it leads to humanity accepting skepticism, or at very least, prevents the spread of homeopathy into the interstellar economy.

Drescher started the “conversation” by stating that the skeptical was in danger of becoming co-opted by ill informed young people.

“These young people foolishly believe that you can become a skeptic by saying you’re a skeptic. They substitute blogs for the great skeptical books. They think witty tweets can replace rational discussion. They want to win debates, not learn about scientific truth. They want to take skepticism into issues it shouldn’t tackle. If they would only listen to the great minds that built this movement. Then skepticism wouldn’t be in crisis.”

McCreight stated that Skepticism has the chance to experience a renaissance if the movement embraces new ideas, new issues, and allows young people to have a voice.

“I’m sorry if I don’t have time to read the ‘great’ skeptical books.” Said McCreight. “I’m too busy practicing skepticism in my PhD program.”

McCreight added that the skeptical movement should become involved in more issues, like religion, and politics.

“We can only debunk Bigfoot and UFOs so many times. No offense to the aliens here. Skepticism needs to be more relevant to the lives of everyday people. Otherwise it will stagnate and once again be a haven for old guys with white beards.”

Drescher interjected that skepticism has no place in discussing religion itself.

“If you would only read the great books of skepticism, you would understand that science cannot prove or disprove God. God is not a scientific question.”

Answered McCreight, “That might have been true when the men of skepticism still had color in their beards.” McCreight added that she agreed with Richard Dawkins that religious claims, such as the origin of the universe, should be subjected to the scientific method.

“Otherwise, if you have a god that doesn’t interact with the universe, and doesn’t make its presence known, it might as well exist only in our heads.”

Drescher then accused McCreight “and her ilk” of trying to purge religious people from the skeptical movement.

“You would remove Pamela Gay, a great educator and science communicator from our ranks. You would silence an effective voice because she is a Christian! Who would you replace her with? Rebecca Watson?”

McCreight denied that she wanted Gay removed from the skeptical movement.

“We all have areas of our lives where we don’t apply skepticism. In my case, Harry Potter makes me go squee. In her case, a 2000 year-old carpenter makes her go squee.”

McCreight then said she suspected that Drescher wants atheists to be a silent minority in the skeptical movement.

“Some of the old guard are afraid of atheists speaking out. They say we’ll alienate the public if we speak about our beliefs. They’re afraid the skeptical movement will be tarnished if the public knew that there were atheists in it. Well imagine someone saying that DJ Grothe or James Randi needs to be quiet because they’ll give the impression that gays support the skeptical movement. ‘Oh, how can we gain support in the Red States if the gays won’t be quiet?’ Well I am an atheist, and I support the teaching of evolution, I oppose alternative medicine, and I support the scientific method. Aren’t I a skeptic too?”

Replied Drescher, “If you want to be an atheist, fine, get off of my yard. If you want to play in the skeptical yard, go write a peer reviewed paper to persuade the skeptical movement to change the definition of ‘skeptic’.

“Special human guests” were then brought in to ask questions. Sara Mayhew asked if both women would mention her new book on their blogs. Before the panelists could answer, Men in Blue escorted her away, and then reminded the guests that they were instructed not to promote any products or Internet sites.

Miranda Celeste Hale stated that she disagreed with McCreight’s assertion that there is such a thing as male privilege and that she was tired of men and women telling her that she “just doesn’t get it.

Replied McCreight, “I understand your frustration. I think if you spent a little more time doing research, you would get that male privilege exists.”

Drescher added, “And if both you read the great books of skepticism, you would get true skepticism and then educate your friends about the error of their ways.”

Both women glared at Drescher.

PZ Myers then asked Drescher why she thought there were non-skeptical atheists, when atheism is a very rational way of thinking.

Bill Maher.” She replied.

Hemant Mehta asked Drescher why she considered him a “marginal” member of the skeptical community. He added that he is also a teacher, has covered skeptical issues in his blog, and spoken on how math can be used to teach critical thinking.

“When you change your blog’s name to the “The Friendly Skeptic” then we’ll talk.”

A man, who called himself “Elevator Guy,” asked McCreight why so many skeptics were upset at him for asking Rebecca Watson up to his hotel room. He added that he’s made many women “happy” and wanted to do the same to Watson.

McCreight replied, “Your (Expletive Deleted) may be kind of big, but approaching a woman at 4:00 AM in a small elevator is not cool.”

Elevator Guy then turned to Drescher.

“Now don’t take this wrong, but I think you’re a very intelligent person and I enjoy your blog. Would you like to come to my hotel room and read these great books of skepticism to me?”

Drescher snapped, “If you had read my blog, you’d know that I’m married!”

Elevator Guy started to accuse Drescher of not applying skepticism to the institution of marriage, and applying agency to her wedding ring. Drescher started to turn red. Before she could speak, Men in Blue tried to escort him away from the mike. When he refused, the Men in Blue used an agonizer to subdue him. As he was dragged away, he cried, “But we weren’t in an elevator, and it isn’t 4:00 AM!” Dulack assured Drescher that the Men in Blue would make sure he never bothered her again for the rest of his life.

Both women concluded by stating their vision for the future of the skeptical movement.

Said McCreight, “I see a movement that accepts young and old. Where male privilege is kept in check, and the leaders are open to new ideas. I want to see a skepticism that’s evolving, just like marriage is evolving.”

Countered Drescher, “I want a skeptical movement that has more Hal Bidlacks, and fewer JT Eberhards. Those who are left in the movement should be fully versed in the great books of skepticism! Skepticism shouldn’t be a homeopathic solution diluted by atheism. It should be a pure movement dedicated to teaching critical thinking and science to the general public. Both religious, and non-religious!”

After the “conversation,” both women shook hands, and stated that they enjoyed the experience. Both were sad that their time at Clow UFO Base would be wiped from their memories. McCreight said she enjoyed learning about alien lifeforms. Drescher said she was moved to know that other intelligent beings have also embraced “scientific skepticism.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

We got a letter! 8/11/11

Doug Fields here. I guess most residents are busy getting ready for the new school year. That could explain why we haven’t received an intelligent letter in a while.

This letter, I’m happy to say, is the exception.  

To the Editor:
I have come up with a genuine tourist attraction that will far surpass not only the Hidden Lakes Trampoline and Miniature Golf Course Park but also the Patriot Spring Horseback Riding Concourse and Pizzeria.  Certainly it would draw many more visitors than does the Mayor's Annual Beef Stroganoff and Stewed Prunes Cook-Off that the Village always seems to put so much money into advertising. 
To wit:  last night my husband and I and our cats were watching the Discovery Channel when a most wondrous program came on about Honduras.  Unfortunately, we almost missed it because our cat Jane suddenly began jumping up and down on another cat, Austen, and biting his ear.  Austen did not find this an amusing excursion into personal hygiene, however, and subsequently expressed his displeasure by batting at Jane who then fell backwards off the bed which spooked Lolo so much that she fell backwards off the bed too.  But, after everyone calmed down, we saw it, there on the TV -- the Honduras Cave of the Glowing Skulls
It seems to me that it wouldn't be that hard to recreate this same phenomenon here in the Lily Cache River Valley.  I was thinking that the small tunnel the creek runs through under Route 53 east towards Menards would be ideal.  Plus the many visitors to the Freedom Fountains with the red, white and blue lights that grace the entrance to Briarcliff Road could easily travel north a short distance to our very own Bolingbrook Cave of the Glowing Skulls!   
The Honduras cave contains numerous historical artifacts, and, of course,
Skulls, but maybe local middle school students would be willing to make these for the Bolingbrook cave:  some clay bowels and plates, a sharpened stick or two, and the skulls which I think could be easily assembled from plastic milk jugs and black Magic Markers.  We'd also need to string some electric lights from one of the houses on the upper banks of the Lily Cache and maybe the local Elks Club could be prevailed upon to supply treats for the children who come to see the cave.  We could also open a small gift shop with tasteful recreations of the Skulls, perhaps as earrings or paperweights.  We'd need some postcards to sell, of course, and a few signed copies of the Bolingbrook Friends of the Prairie Cookbook as well.  Last fall, for Dio de los Muertos, our neighbor Cecelia made a house flag featuring a dancing skeleton.  I am sure she'd love to make extras for the Skulls exhibit that we could drape across the entrance. 
Isn't this a great idea! 
Yours for the Magic of Bolingbrook!
Patricia O'Tuama
Proud Boingbrook Resident since 1996

PS:  Jane, Austen and their comrade-in-arms Bobby are available for public reenactments of both the Battle of Federicksburg and the capture of the castle at Beaumont Hammel during the Battle of the Somme, should the Village be interested.
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.  This letter is real.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Sources: Bolingbrook looks into printing its own currency.

Could Bolingbrook have its own currency in two years? Sources with connections with family members within village hall say yes.

The sources say that village officials are concerned the recent stock market crash, riots in London, and S and P’s downgrade of the US’s credit rating will lead to a global economic collapse. Officials want to be fully prepared.

“Governments have printed currency for thousands of years.” Said Bill, one of the sources. “The village government, like most local governments, have delegated that responsibility to the Federal Government. It used to make sense, but if we lose the Federal Government, we lose our currency. We can’t have that.”

By preparing for an economic apocalypse, the village hopes it will be ready if the Federal Government collapses.

“If we plan this right, we could be come the currency of Chicagoland. Can you imagine the shame the Chicago Machine will feel having to pay people in Bolingbrook’s currency?”

David, who works at a graphic design firm, claims that Mayor Roger Claar asked him to send proposals for the new currency.

“Roger came up to the desk, slapped down some sketches of a bill and said, ‘Make me look good.’ I thought he was joking, and he replied, ‘Look at the news? Do you think that’s funny?’”

The currency, according to David, would be called “The Roger.” Lower denominations would be named after village board members. Higher denominations would be named after “select village residents.”

“I asked him if they would be named after donors to his campaign fund. He asked if I ever wanted his business again. I stopped asking questions.”

Paula X. Webb, an economics undergraduate at The University of Chicago, says Bolingbrook printing its own currency could benefit the Village in case of economic chaos.

“If transportation is disrupted, and the national government is weak, then Bolingbrook’s currency could be seen as a sign of strength. Therefore it would have a higher value than the US dollar. They could easily pay off their debt in Rogers and then run a surplus. Wow! That could mean that Bolingbrook would be become the new Naperville in a post-western civilization world.”

When asked to comment, Claar denied any plans to create a new currency or feared the collapse of western civilization.

“Besides,” Added Claar. “If I had to create a new currency, I would name it after former Mayor Bob Bailey! Then I would have to name some denomination after former Mayor Ed Rosenthal.” Claar later said, “If another mayor wanted to name a bill after me, I wouldn’t mind. But that’s not even academic. We would elect a Republican president before civilization fell. And don’t quote that out of context!”

Also in The Babbler:

Manchester Mumbler: Aliens behind London Riots
Skeptics reject call for “Elevatorgate” truce
Babbler offers condolences to the friends and family of Jeremy Asbell and Randy Suchy
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/13/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Web Exclusive: Martian Colonies threaten to donate more money to Republicans

By Reporter X

Minutes after NASA announced finding possible evidence of liquid water on Mars, the Martian Colonial Ambassador threatened President Barack Obama.

Sources agree that the ambassador told Obama to “withdraw your probes” or else the Martians would donate more money to the Republican Party.

“There is no force more destructive to your government, than the GOP!” Sources claim the ambassador said.

Under a treaty with the Martian Colonies, humans can send probes to Mars, but they cannot publish pictures that reveal colonies to the general public. Probes that were deemed “too sensitive” have been destroyed by the colonists.

Over the last decade, tensions have flared over photos showing liquid water on Mars. The colonists claim that the water comes from burst pipes supply water to the underground colonies. NASA claims the water is native to Mars, and thus with humanity’s right to photograph.

Though it is estimated that the colonists’ technology is thousands of years ahead of humanity’s, the colonists have recently started dabbling in human politics. Colonists are suspected to have donated to a million dollars to Mitt Romney recently. They are also suspected of being one of the cofounders of the Tea Party Movement.

Said a source within Clow UFO Base, “They believe that the Republicans will defund the James Webb Space Telescope and defund space exploration. By supporting the Republicans, they’ll save money on space travel and energy beams. I think NASA would rather be defunded than bombed.”

President Obama could not be reached for comment. An intern denied the claim, then yelled, “I’d rather talk to Fox News than these guys!”

Romney, who was about to give a campaign speech, told The Babbler, “Hey! You’re from Bolingbrook. Just a second. Hey, Bob! I’m I supposed to call Roger a great leader this time or call him a RINO? I lost track of my positions on him.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Black Ops budget battle threatens to shutdown Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base could be shutdown for the first time in nearly 60 years unless Congress approves the black ops budget.

If US government doesn’t approve a budget by next week, The New World Order will “audit” the US Government. No government has ever been fully audited before, but a partial audit of France in 1968 almost brought down the government.

Republicans on the House Subcommittee on Capitol Maintenance are demanding the following riders be added to the budget.

  • Turn over Medicare to Groupon to create a “more responsive” program
  • Raise the Social Security Retirement age to 80
  • Temporarily extend the Bush tax cuts for 100 years
  • Ban abortion and punish doctors who performed abortions up to 10 years before enactment of the budget.
  • Criminalize long term unemployment
  • Enact a moratorium on naturalizing citizens “from nontraditional allies”
  • Promote “academic freedom” by removing “evolution restrictions” from all schools
  • Add Reagan’s likeness to Mount Rushmore
  • Exempt from cuts any military programs that involve space and time

President Barack Obama, sources say, is reluctant to agree to the terms so soon after “giving in” to the Republican’s terms to raise the debt ceiling.

“You don’t expect us to just do nothing while the most radical president in history gives us 98 percent of what we want.” Said Representative Judy Biggert. “We have to take every opportunity to get that final two percent, and then some.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, is angry at the slow progress of negotiations.

“This is nonsense!” Exclaimed Claar. “Clow and Bolingbrook survived an invasion from a 1000 years in the future! I’m not going to let a bunch of elected bureaucrats destroy my community!”

Claar says he wants a deal as soon as possible to avoid “clouds of uncertainty” throughout the galaxy.

“If aliens think Clow is going to close shortly after they land, they not going to come here. That costs the village billions in lost business! If there’s one thing I (expletive deleted) hate is lost business! Our covert funds kept Bolingbrook afloat during the Great Recession. We can’t afford to deplete those funds if the economy goes south again.”

He also added that he wasn’t afraid to employ his own version of “disaster diplomacy” to create a solution.

“I could have arrange for a free village picnic next to Clow, and then have the staff ‘accidentally’ turn off the cloaks. Even the Chicago Skeptics couldn’t cover that up!”

Despite his anger, Claar is optimistic that there will be a solution to the crisis.

“Obama always gives in and brings the Democrats with him.”

When asked for a comment, a White House intern laughed, and apparently pulled out a piece of paper.

“As long as the Republicans don’t get everything they want, we will support any bipartisan plan!”

Also in The Babbler:

SGU announces mind control broadcast
YouTube Misogynist hates Babbler
Watchdogs of Bolingbrook call for anarchy
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 8/5/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.