Monday, July 18, 2011

Babbler escapes The Amazing Meeting 9

Editor's note: This year, our team of reporters bravely escaped The Amazing Meeting without being detected. Here are our reports from TAM 9, an international gathering of skeptics trying to cover up the truth about the supernatural.

JREF president: Stopping The Babbler is our top priority!

Sources say James Randi Educational Foundation president DJ Grothe told 1600 skeptics that stopping The Babbler is the JREF's top priority.

"We cannot afford mission drift." Said Grothe, according to the sources. "I want to focus on how the drug war doesn't work. I'd love to say how abstinence only eduction doesn't work. But we have to bring down the peddlers of Woo first, starting with The Bolingbrook Babbler!"

After the other panelists explained that expanding the issues the JREF covers could bring in new members, Grothe replied why The Babbler should be a top priority.

"They are spreading woo in the heartland of America. If we don't stop them there, the peddlers of woo will control the middle of the country, and the West coast! If, however, we control the midwest. Then ratings for all the ghost hunter shows will plummet. Hollywood will have to turn to us for programing ideas. Then we'll win."

Some in the audience of skeptics, were skeptical.

"We can only debunk Bigfoot so many times." Said one blogger who asked not to be identified. "I want the JREF to debunk the Democrats and Republicans and support the Libertarian party! That would be awesome and make us look cool!"

Ghost interrupts Dr. Steven Novella

During his presentation on alternative medicine, a ghost repeatedly interrupted Dr. Steven Novella, head of the Science Based Medicine Blog.

"It was creepy." Said audience member Sandy. "Every once in awhile, we'd hear, 'Test! Test! Test! One two three!" I could see all the microphones in the room, yet only Steve's lips were moving. I couldn't explain it."

The Amazing Rhonda, a Vegas psychic, offered her explanation.

"Some times when there is so much anti-psychic energy, the wall between our world and the afterlife cracks. It has something to do with quantum mechanics. Anyway, a ghost obviously tried to test the crack to get a message through. Too bad they closed the door before someone could reply."

Dr. David H. Gorski offered a different explanation. "We were in a divided meeting room, you see. So someone hooked up their microphone to the speakers in our section. They didn't realize their mistake,and kept testing the mike. It was annoying, but not supernatural. If you guys want to think it was a ghost, fine. Just remember to support vaccination campaigns, and I'll ignore your woo."

Anti-psychic Kitty ejected from Penn and Teller's party

Anti-psychic Kitty became the first being to be kicked out of Penn and Teller's Bacon and Donut party at TAM.

"Wow!" Said Penn, according to a source. "I've know some party animals, but I've never met an animal that could party. APK redefines the party animal."

Anti-psychic Kitty, a genetically engineered cat with over 9,000 points of anti-psychic energy, was a VIP guest at the party. Sources agree that he didn't drink alcohol, but did sniff lots of "Vegas quality" cat nip.

"He went from the most rational being on Earth to a naughty cat." Said Jan, who asked that we not use her last name. "I knew we were in trouble when he stopped tweeting, and removed his environmental suit."

Sources agree that Anti-psychic Kitty played with the a striper's pasties, repeatedly stage dived during a performance by The No God Band, and dove into a pan of bacon. He also rubbed against many guests.

"When he started touching the guests, we had to remove him." Said JREF president DJ Grothe. "Some people are deathly allergic to cats, and he was becoming a health hazard. No one was hurt fortunately."

Others claim that he was thrown out after coughing up a hairball on Karen Stollznow.

Stollznow allegedly scrammed, "It's bad enough that I will have to struggle to get a word in during the paranormal panel discussion. Now I have a hairball on my good shoes!"

When reached for comment, Anti-psychic Kitty e-mailed, "When you're with Penn and Teller, the rational thing to do is party with them. As long as I didn't wake up with any dead humans, or live cats, I won't worry about it."

Grothe said he wasn't worried about covering up Anti-psychic Kitty's misbehavior.

"Anyone who says they remember being at Penn's party obviously wasn't there."

SGU laughs at $5 Dollar Challenge

This year, the Skeptics Guide to the Universe panelists laughed at The Babbler's $5 challenge to them.

"That's funny." Said Dr. Steven Novella. "Now leave me alone!"

The Babbler challenged the SGU to debunk any of their stories and promised to reward them with $5 if they did. Since 2010, the SGU has refused to participate.

Evan Bernstein, another panel member, also laughed at the Challenge.

"I love it. $5 dollars. Seriously, you might want to cut back on your drinking. It's easy to over do it during your first TAM."

Rebecca Watson, another panel member and creator of Skepchick, didn't laugh.

"Guys." She said, "This is getting old. We're not giving you a free plug on our podcast, and that's final."

When our reporters tried to reach the other Novella brothers, they scrammed, "elevator guys," and ran away.

Top YouTube atheists gather at TAM

Eyewitnesses say that atheist YouTube members Thunderf00t, Healthyaddict, and ZOMGitscriss, gathered at The Del Mar bar to work out a plan to dominate YouTube.

"It was amazing to watch." Said Jamie, who asked that we not use her last name. "They're so smart, and I couldn't understand what they were talking about. I'm sure it has something to do with taking over YouTube."

Paul agreed. "Even when they were drunk, they were smarter than me. I think they talked about taking over YouTube in a way no one would notice. It was like watching the New World Order planning to take over the world."

When asked to comment, Healthyaddict pointed a video camera at herself and said, "Hello Internet. Here are those crazy Babbler reporters again." She pointed into the air. "Click here to watch one of their videos."

When the reporter tired to ask a question, she replied, "Wait! Give the Internet a chance to click on your video first."

ZOMGitscriss, when asked to comment, replied "Why the (expletive deleted) are you trying to ruin my vacation? What the (expletive deleted) are you talking about? You have experienced a Vegas resort, ridden a roller coaster, and are now experiencing American stupidity. Now you can tell your friends in Romania that you have truly experienced America. First of all, let me tell you that not all Americans are stupid. Even if they were, just because I am in America, doesn't mean that I want to experience their (expletive deleted) stupidity while at TAM. I want to see the smart people, not the dumb ones. I experience the dumb ones every day on YouTube!"

Thunderf00t insisted on video taping a five hour interview with The Babbler's reporters, and the right to ask the questions instead of the reporters. The Babbler declined.

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets fire heat ray at Chicago
Claar to declare Bolingbrook Golf Club an emergency cooling center
TAM Paper: Smoking causes gambling
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/21/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

These are funny stuff. I almost believed most of them. The pictures really made it credible.

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