Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Web exclusive: Cyborg gorilla malfunctions in Chicago

What started out as a prosthetic conference almost turned into an afternoon of horror for loop bystanders when a cyborg gorilla escaped from McCormick Place.

According to eyewitnesses, a representative from NewU Limbs was on stage giving a presentation. He announced a device that so revolutionary, they might have to create a new field of study for it.

Sources agree the representative said, “Today, if you’re decapitated, you’re dead. Tomorrow, we might be able to save your head! When that day comes, you’ll need this!”

According to a doctor, who asked not to be identified, two women rolled out a headless mechanical body.

“I thought they were kidding. I mean they have comedy acts at these things sometimes. I mean, an artificial leg can only hold your interest for so long.”

The audience was definitely interested when another woman brought out a living mountain gorilla head. The assistants attached the head to the body while the representative talked about taking prosthetics to the “next level.”

At the end of his speech, the representative looked at this laptop and said, “I give you, the NewU Body!” He grinned as he pressed a button.

The sources agree that the cyborg screamed, and ripped out the wires. The enraged cyborg started jumping around the room. While the representative frantically tried to get a wifi connection, the cyborg charged towards the windows.

“I never thought I would experience a stampede at one of these conferences.” Said the doctor. “Well, except when we’re trying to escape the salespeople.”

The cyborg crashed through the windows and ran towards the city. Eyewitness saw it leap over Lakeshore Drive and head towards the South Loop.

Startled bystanders watched in amazement as the cyborg made its way North.

“It brushed by me and my first thought was, ‘Damn, they’re already filming the sequel to Rise of the Planet of the Apes.’” Said one witness. “When I didn’t see a person walking around with release forms, then I got worried.”

A car with prosthetics technicians raced to catch up to the cyborg. According Donna, a NewU technician, the company gave them shoot to kill orders.

“I couldn’t do that.” Said Donna, “I can’t kill anything with a face. Sure, it was mostly steel and plastic, but it still had a face.”

When the car pulled up next to the cyborg, her colleagues pulled out their guns. Donna jumped out of the car and onto the cyborg’s back.

“I was trying to reach the controls.” Said Donna. “Because it wasn’t a problem with the head. It was a problem with the body. But I’m not supposed to say that.”

The cyborg bounded over parked cars while Donna clung for her life. While opening the back panel, the cyborg started climbing a high-rise condominium.

“Now maybe I should have let go before he got too high.” Said Donna. “At the time I thought that I’ve done many tough things in my job. I’ve lifted heavy bags of plaster. I’ve cut myself countless time. I’ve gotten plastic fragments embedded in my body. Fixing an artificial body while dangling hundreds of feet off the ground isn’t any different.”

After climbing 16 stories, Donna successfully maneuvered the cyborg onto a patio, and shut it down.

Said condo resident Beth, “I was drinking my wine and trying to relax when I saw this robot with a gorilla head. My first thought was why are they filming the sequel to Robot Monster on my property? When I saw a woman get off the robot, I opened the door. I figured she had a release form. Instead, she told me to call 911.”

According to Beth and Donna, plain-clothed Chicago police officers arrived along with the representative and Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Emanuel promised to fix the paito and then faced the representative.

He poked the representative and said, “Why do you scientists make (expletive deleted) super-powered prototypes? You should make them weak, so if they (expletive deleted) escape, they’re (expletive deleted) harmless!”

Both women agreed not to talk to the mainstream press about the incident because of the possible damage to Chicago’s convention business.

When offered money, Donna refused.

“I think this qualifies for continuing education credits.”

Though her condominium was repaired in 30 minutes, Beth was not satisfied.

“If this were Bolingbrook, they would have covered this up in 30 seconds. They’re good at covering up weird things!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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