Monday, June 13, 2011

University of Chicago student wins “Shock Doctrine’ appeal

University of Chicago student Connie Parker, not her real name, didn’t know if she would walking towards the convocation or walking into jail. It all came down to her revised paper.

“I was either going to be an exceptional graduate, or an exceptionally embarrassing punchline!” Said Parker.

For her final paper, her professor asked to explain how she would apply the Shock Doctrine.

“It’s awesome to think about how we can turn disasters into pro-market, pro-liberty policies that the coddled public wouldn’t normally accept.” Said Parker. “The public would never have supported the PATRIOT Act if it weren’t for 9/11. We wouldn’t have gotten rid of public housing in New Orleans if it weren’t for Katrina. Greensburg  wouldn’t have turned to green technology if it weren’t for a tornado. No, that’s a bad example.”

Parker’s plan dealt with taking advantage of an explosion at University of Chicago. After the explosion, her plan details how politicians could use the plan to abolish college athletics.

“I’m a firm believer that government shouldn’t compete with the market place.” Exclaimed Parker. “The NCAA competes with the NFL for athletic dollars. So it seemed natural to create a disaster, and use it to abolish all athletic programs at public universities. I thought it was an easy A.”

Instead, her professor reported her to the Friedman Commission, a secret student disciplinary body run by the Chicago School of Economics. According to sources within U of C, the FC deals with students who are deemed a “threat” to the goals of the Chicago School of Economics.

“They didn’t like that I suggested that someone deliberately set off a bomb at the University of Chicago.” Said Parker. “I suggested moving the bomb from The Humanities Division to the medical school. That would reduce the causalities.”

When the commission suggested that they didn’t like the idea of a bomb, she replied the bomb could be set off at UIC instead. They replied that it wasn’t so much that a bomb went off in Chicago, but that she was deliberately creating a disaster to exploit. The risk of discovery is too great, they explained.

“That when I told them that this was an academic exercise, and I had academic freedom.”

They, according to Parker, were also concerned that she wanted to destroy the NCAA.

“They said college athletics are a good thing because most college programs lose money, and force cuts in academic programs. I don’t know about that, but I never thought of it that way before. Plus they're considered a minor league for the NFL.”

The commission gave her a chance to rewrite her paper. Get it right, and she would graduate. Get it wrong, and she would be “sacrificed” to the Chicago police.

“I changed the paper to a plan to use the momentum of the next high school shooting to abolish public universities. Then I hoped for the best.”

After several minutes standing in front of the commission, one of the handed her a robe, and said, “Go forth and spread the free market!”

Said Parker, “I was so happy. Sure I risked going to jail, but without great risk, there wouldn’t be a great reward, like the high paying jobs I’m now entitled to!”

As for her future plans, she hopes to take advantage of the next “shocking situation.”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson laughed, and called The Babbler a welcome break from academic reporters.

Also in The Babbler:

Ghosts blamed for I-55 traffic jam
Anonymous denies hacking Babbler bank account
Generation Y: Bonnie who?
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/15/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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