Monday, June 20, 2011

Oswego besieged by Bug Girl hunters

Bug Girl in swarm form?
Doug Patterson though he heard voices coming from his front yard. Grabbing his gun, he sneaked towards the front door. At the door, he could make out a voice.

“We’re standing on the edge of civilization known as Oswego, IL. Somewhere in this frontier town we’re going to find the mysterious Bug Girl!”

Patterson drew his gun, and pulled open the door. On his front yard he saw a three young men filming on his front yard.

“Get off of my property!” Yelled Patterson.

The men fled into the nearly deserted subdivision as Pearson struggled with his screen door.

“This is the fifth time this week.” Sighed Patterson.

Patterson is not alone. Sources with friends with relatives within the Oswego police department say an unprecedented number of visitors are searching for the mysterious Bug Girl.

While most experts believe Bug Girl is the pseudonym of an entomologist blogger, one expert believes Bug Girl is really a human-insect hybrid.

“Sure there are alleged pictures of a woman who claims to be Bug Girl.” Said Jules Roberts, an amateur entomologist and cryptozoologist. “But that’s just part of the government coverup. She really knows nothing.  We know the government experiments on insects. We also know the government experiments on humans. It’s not much of a stretch to believe that the government tried to combine their experiments and create Bug Girl.”

There have been Bug Girl sightings in Atlanta, Minneapolis, San Francisco, New York, Chicago, and Las Vegas. Roberts, in his ebook “The Mysterious Bug Girl: How she will lead us to a quantum age of our new insect overlords!,” claims Bug Girl’s nest is in Oswego.

“Most of the sightings have been in urban areas, like Chicago.” Explained Roberts. “There was one sighting in Oswego. After I posted about it on my blog, several more Oswego residents e-mailed me with their sightings. So I figure that’s where her nest is.  It's close enough to Chicago that she can feed, but far enough away to be safe from the Chicago police.”

Some residents are pleased with the attention Roberts is bringing to Oswego. Brian Paxman is using his minivan to give “Bug Girl Tours” in Oswego.

“There’s not much going on around here.” Said Paxman. “If people want to pay me to help them look for Bug Girl, I’ll take the money. I’ve got nothing better to do anyway.”

Some businesses look forward to the “Bug Girl tourists.”

Said Donna of Donna's Gas and Milk, “I hope that the lost souls looking for Bug Girl will instead find our ‘Jesus Loves You’ sign and be impressed with our milk prices. We’ll save souls and turn a holy profit!”

Not all enjoy the new tourists. Deborah, who asked that we not use her last name, accuses Bug Girl hunters of trespassing.

“This one man relieved himself on my front yard!” Said Deborah. “I told him to stop and that I would call the police. He told me that I needed a Porta Potty on my lawn, and that my tourist attraction sucked. The nerve!”

Deborah then added, “It’s a good thing we don’t have a Metra line here. Then I would also have to deal with Chicagoans breaking into my home, stealing my TV, and then taking the train back to Chicago!”

James, who asked that we not use his name, claims that a Bug Girl hunter tried to interview his son.

“This guy just walked up to my son and said, ‘Is your mother a bug?’ The man ran off when I told him I was getting my gun. Then I had to give the talk to my son. I wanted to wait a few years, but those Bug Girl people took that choice away from me!”

During the interview, two men, holding video cameras, screamed as they ran past James. Seconds later, a pit bull rounded the corner and darted towards the men.

“Don’t worry.” Said James. “If that dog catches them, he’ll just lick them to death.”

When this reporter sent an e-mail to Bug Girl, Bug Girl sent an unprintable reply.

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar: Barefoot waterskiing is the next NASCAR!
Study: Diversity programs not ready for extraterrestrials
Bolingbrook Special Affairs looking for ghost shooter
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 6/23/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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