Monday, June 27, 2011

Clow UFO Base officials block Blagojevich escape attempt

File photo of Blagojevich with a Martian Colonist
By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base officials confirmed that they foiled an escape attempt by impeached former Governor Rod Blagojevich.

“We made it very clear to the former governor that the Martian Colonies are not legally considered part of Illinois.” Said spokesperson Donald Z. Armstrong of the Bolingbrook Department of Interstellar Affairs. “The colonists may claim the Earth, but no interstellar court, tribunal, or military alliance recognizes that claim.”

Sources within the department say that Blagojevich secretly met with undercover agents he believed were representatives of the Martian Colonies. The sources say Blagojevich told them that if he lost his court case, he wanted to be “abducted.”

According to a source, Blagojevich said, “It’s going to take years to clear my name. I can’t spend those years in jail. I’m a reality TV celebrity. I’m a former governor of Illinois, which is the equiviliant to being a major CEO. CEO’s don’t go to jail. They get bailouts. So I want to wait on Mars until the President bails me out. Hey! There’s no one better qualified to represent humanity to the Martians than me!”

After being convicted on 17 of 20 counts against him in a retrial, Blagojevich tried to meet with the agents at the “abduction site.” Instead, he was greeted by Men in Blue and Men in Black. After being informed that it was illegal for him to leave Northern Illinois, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar arrived.

The sources claim Blagojevich responded by saying, “Roger! I hope you didn’t take personally when I threatened to destroy Bolingbrook.”

Claar yelled at Blagojevich for several minutes. At one point, he exclaimed, “You are a disgrace to politicians who everyday legally raise money, and use its power to influence the world for their benefit. I mean use their influence for the benefit of their local communities! You know what I mean!”

Claar concluded by banning Blagojevich from Bolingbrook for life, and the afterlife.

“We have ghost hunters, and they will exorcize you if you so much as say, ‘boo’ in Bolingbrook!”

The Men in Black escorted Blagojevich back to his home. Sources say that they altered Blagojevich’s memory to make him forget about Clow UFO Base.

The Martian Colonies’ ambassador released a statement to The Babbler merely saying, “We like Blagojevich. To paraphrase the words of the human philosopher Arnold Schwarzenegger, if we ever decide to exterminate the human race, we would kill him last.”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I want to urge your readers not to set off their own fireworks. We have a zero tolerance policy here. Instead, go the Bolingbrook All American Celebration at the Bolingbrook Golf Club. Festivities start at 3pm and the fireworks display starts at 9:15pm. What? You expect me to comment on one of your alien stories the week before Fourth of July?”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to honor Bolingbrook Time War Veterans
Clow bids for space-alien only casino
Chicago Skeptics deny organizing “Get drunk for vaccines” fundraiser
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/2/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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