Monday, June 27, 2011

Clow UFO Base officials block Blagojevich escape attempt

File photo of Blagojevich with a Martian Colonist
By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base officials confirmed that they foiled an escape attempt by impeached former Governor Rod Blagojevich.

“We made it very clear to the former governor that the Martian Colonies are not legally considered part of Illinois.” Said spokesperson Donald Z. Armstrong of the Bolingbrook Department of Interstellar Affairs. “The colonists may claim the Earth, but no interstellar court, tribunal, or military alliance recognizes that claim.”

Sources within the department say that Blagojevich secretly met with undercover agents he believed were representatives of the Martian Colonies. The sources say Blagojevich told them that if he lost his court case, he wanted to be “abducted.”

According to a source, Blagojevich said, “It’s going to take years to clear my name. I can’t spend those years in jail. I’m a reality TV celebrity. I’m a former governor of Illinois, which is the equiviliant to being a major CEO. CEO’s don’t go to jail. They get bailouts. So I want to wait on Mars until the President bails me out. Hey! There’s no one better qualified to represent humanity to the Martians than me!”

After being convicted on 17 of 20 counts against him in a retrial, Blagojevich tried to meet with the agents at the “abduction site.” Instead, he was greeted by Men in Blue and Men in Black. After being informed that it was illegal for him to leave Northern Illinois, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar arrived.

The sources claim Blagojevich responded by saying, “Roger! I hope you didn’t take personally when I threatened to destroy Bolingbrook.”

Claar yelled at Blagojevich for several minutes. At one point, he exclaimed, “You are a disgrace to politicians who everyday legally raise money, and use its power to influence the world for their benefit. I mean use their influence for the benefit of their local communities! You know what I mean!”

Claar concluded by banning Blagojevich from Bolingbrook for life, and the afterlife.

“We have ghost hunters, and they will exorcize you if you so much as say, ‘boo’ in Bolingbrook!”

The Men in Black escorted Blagojevich back to his home. Sources say that they altered Blagojevich’s memory to make him forget about Clow UFO Base.

The Martian Colonies’ ambassador released a statement to The Babbler merely saying, “We like Blagojevich. To paraphrase the words of the human philosopher Arnold Schwarzenegger, if we ever decide to exterminate the human race, we would kill him last.”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I want to urge your readers not to set off their own fireworks. We have a zero tolerance policy here. Instead, go the Bolingbrook All American Celebration at the Bolingbrook Golf Club. Festivities start at 3pm and the fireworks display starts at 9:15pm. What? You expect me to comment on one of your alien stories the week before Fourth of July?”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to honor Bolingbrook Time War Veterans
Clow bids for space-alien only casino
Chicago Skeptics deny organizing “Get drunk for vaccines” fundraiser
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/2/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Oswego besieged by Bug Girl hunters

Bug Girl in swarm form?
Doug Patterson though he heard voices coming from his front yard. Grabbing his gun, he sneaked towards the front door. At the door, he could make out a voice.

“We’re standing on the edge of civilization known as Oswego, IL. Somewhere in this frontier town we’re going to find the mysterious Bug Girl!”

Patterson drew his gun, and pulled open the door. On his front yard he saw a three young men filming on his front yard.

“Get off of my property!” Yelled Patterson.

The men fled into the nearly deserted subdivision as Pearson struggled with his screen door.

“This is the fifth time this week.” Sighed Patterson.

Patterson is not alone. Sources with friends with relatives within the Oswego police department say an unprecedented number of visitors are searching for the mysterious Bug Girl.

While most experts believe Bug Girl is the pseudonym of an entomologist blogger, one expert believes Bug Girl is really a human-insect hybrid.

“Sure there are alleged pictures of a woman who claims to be Bug Girl.” Said Jules Roberts, an amateur entomologist and cryptozoologist. “But that’s just part of the government coverup. She really knows nothing.  We know the government experiments on insects. We also know the government experiments on humans. It’s not much of a stretch to believe that the government tried to combine their experiments and create Bug Girl.”

There have been Bug Girl sightings in Atlanta, Minneapolis, San Francisco, New York, Chicago, and Las Vegas. Roberts, in his ebook “The Mysterious Bug Girl: How she will lead us to a quantum age of our new insect overlords!,” claims Bug Girl’s nest is in Oswego.

“Most of the sightings have been in urban areas, like Chicago.” Explained Roberts. “There was one sighting in Oswego. After I posted about it on my blog, several more Oswego residents e-mailed me with their sightings. So I figure that’s where her nest is.  It's close enough to Chicago that she can feed, but far enough away to be safe from the Chicago police.”

Some residents are pleased with the attention Roberts is bringing to Oswego. Brian Paxman is using his minivan to give “Bug Girl Tours” in Oswego.

“There’s not much going on around here.” Said Paxman. “If people want to pay me to help them look for Bug Girl, I’ll take the money. I’ve got nothing better to do anyway.”

Some businesses look forward to the “Bug Girl tourists.”

Said Donna of Donna's Gas and Milk, “I hope that the lost souls looking for Bug Girl will instead find our ‘Jesus Loves You’ sign and be impressed with our milk prices. We’ll save souls and turn a holy profit!”

Not all enjoy the new tourists. Deborah, who asked that we not use her last name, accuses Bug Girl hunters of trespassing.

“This one man relieved himself on my front yard!” Said Deborah. “I told him to stop and that I would call the police. He told me that I needed a Porta Potty on my lawn, and that my tourist attraction sucked. The nerve!”

Deborah then added, “It’s a good thing we don’t have a Metra line here. Then I would also have to deal with Chicagoans breaking into my home, stealing my TV, and then taking the train back to Chicago!”

James, who asked that we not use his name, claims that a Bug Girl hunter tried to interview his son.

“This guy just walked up to my son and said, ‘Is your mother a bug?’ The man ran off when I told him I was getting my gun. Then I had to give the talk to my son. I wanted to wait a few years, but those Bug Girl people took that choice away from me!”

During the interview, two men, holding video cameras, screamed as they ran past James. Seconds later, a pit bull rounded the corner and darted towards the men.

“Don’t worry.” Said James. “If that dog catches them, he’ll just lick them to death.”

When this reporter sent an e-mail to Bug Girl, Bug Girl sent an unprintable reply.

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar: Barefoot waterskiing is the next NASCAR!
Study: Diversity programs not ready for extraterrestrials
Bolingbrook Special Affairs looking for ghost shooter
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 6/23/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Web exclusive: Cyborg gorilla malfunctions in Chicago

What started out as a prosthetic conference almost turned into an afternoon of horror for loop bystanders when a cyborg gorilla escaped from McCormick Place.

According to eyewitnesses, a representative from NewU Limbs was on stage giving a presentation. He announced a device that so revolutionary, they might have to create a new field of study for it.

Sources agree the representative said, “Today, if you’re decapitated, you’re dead. Tomorrow, we might be able to save your head! When that day comes, you’ll need this!”

According to a doctor, who asked not to be identified, two women rolled out a headless mechanical body.

“I thought they were kidding. I mean they have comedy acts at these things sometimes. I mean, an artificial leg can only hold your interest for so long.”

The audience was definitely interested when another woman brought out a living mountain gorilla head. The assistants attached the head to the body while the representative talked about taking prosthetics to the “next level.”

At the end of his speech, the representative looked at this laptop and said, “I give you, the NewU Body!” He grinned as he pressed a button.

The sources agree that the cyborg screamed, and ripped out the wires. The enraged cyborg started jumping around the room. While the representative frantically tried to get a wifi connection, the cyborg charged towards the windows.

“I never thought I would experience a stampede at one of these conferences.” Said the doctor. “Well, except when we’re trying to escape the salespeople.”

The cyborg crashed through the windows and ran towards the city. Eyewitness saw it leap over Lakeshore Drive and head towards the South Loop.

Startled bystanders watched in amazement as the cyborg made its way North.

“It brushed by me and my first thought was, ‘Damn, they’re already filming the sequel to Rise of the Planet of the Apes.’” Said one witness. “When I didn’t see a person walking around with release forms, then I got worried.”

A car with prosthetics technicians raced to catch up to the cyborg. According Donna, a NewU technician, the company gave them shoot to kill orders.

“I couldn’t do that.” Said Donna, “I can’t kill anything with a face. Sure, it was mostly steel and plastic, but it still had a face.”

When the car pulled up next to the cyborg, her colleagues pulled out their guns. Donna jumped out of the car and onto the cyborg’s back.

“I was trying to reach the controls.” Said Donna. “Because it wasn’t a problem with the head. It was a problem with the body. But I’m not supposed to say that.”

The cyborg bounded over parked cars while Donna clung for her life. While opening the back panel, the cyborg started climbing a high-rise condominium.

“Now maybe I should have let go before he got too high.” Said Donna. “At the time I thought that I’ve done many tough things in my job. I’ve lifted heavy bags of plaster. I’ve cut myself countless time. I’ve gotten plastic fragments embedded in my body. Fixing an artificial body while dangling hundreds of feet off the ground isn’t any different.”

After climbing 16 stories, Donna successfully maneuvered the cyborg onto a patio, and shut it down.

Said condo resident Beth, “I was drinking my wine and trying to relax when I saw this robot with a gorilla head. My first thought was why are they filming the sequel to Robot Monster on my property? When I saw a woman get off the robot, I opened the door. I figured she had a release form. Instead, she told me to call 911.”

According to Beth and Donna, plain-clothed Chicago police officers arrived along with the representative and Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Emanuel promised to fix the paito and then faced the representative.

He poked the representative and said, “Why do you scientists make (expletive deleted) super-powered prototypes? You should make them weak, so if they (expletive deleted) escape, they’re (expletive deleted) harmless!”

Both women agreed not to talk to the mainstream press about the incident because of the possible damage to Chicago’s convention business.

When offered money, Donna refused.

“I think this qualifies for continuing education credits.”

Though her condominium was repaired in 30 minutes, Beth was not satisfied.

“If this were Bolingbrook, they would have covered this up in 30 seconds. They’re good at covering up weird things!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, June 13, 2011

University of Chicago student wins “Shock Doctrine’ appeal

University of Chicago student Connie Parker, not her real name, didn’t know if she would walking towards the convocation or walking into jail. It all came down to her revised paper.

“I was either going to be an exceptional graduate, or an exceptionally embarrassing punchline!” Said Parker.

For her final paper, her professor asked to explain how she would apply the Shock Doctrine.

“It’s awesome to think about how we can turn disasters into pro-market, pro-liberty policies that the coddled public wouldn’t normally accept.” Said Parker. “The public would never have supported the PATRIOT Act if it weren’t for 9/11. We wouldn’t have gotten rid of public housing in New Orleans if it weren’t for Katrina. Greensburg  wouldn’t have turned to green technology if it weren’t for a tornado. No, that’s a bad example.”

Parker’s plan dealt with taking advantage of an explosion at University of Chicago. After the explosion, her plan details how politicians could use the plan to abolish college athletics.

“I’m a firm believer that government shouldn’t compete with the market place.” Exclaimed Parker. “The NCAA competes with the NFL for athletic dollars. So it seemed natural to create a disaster, and use it to abolish all athletic programs at public universities. I thought it was an easy A.”

Instead, her professor reported her to the Friedman Commission, a secret student disciplinary body run by the Chicago School of Economics. According to sources within U of C, the FC deals with students who are deemed a “threat” to the goals of the Chicago School of Economics.

“They didn’t like that I suggested that someone deliberately set off a bomb at the University of Chicago.” Said Parker. “I suggested moving the bomb from The Humanities Division to the medical school. That would reduce the causalities.”

When the commission suggested that they didn’t like the idea of a bomb, she replied the bomb could be set off at UIC instead. They replied that it wasn’t so much that a bomb went off in Chicago, but that she was deliberately creating a disaster to exploit. The risk of discovery is too great, they explained.

“That when I told them that this was an academic exercise, and I had academic freedom.”

They, according to Parker, were also concerned that she wanted to destroy the NCAA.

“They said college athletics are a good thing because most college programs lose money, and force cuts in academic programs. I don’t know about that, but I never thought of it that way before. Plus they're considered a minor league for the NFL.”

The commission gave her a chance to rewrite her paper. Get it right, and she would graduate. Get it wrong, and she would be “sacrificed” to the Chicago police.

“I changed the paper to a plan to use the momentum of the next high school shooting to abolish public universities. Then I hoped for the best.”

After several minutes standing in front of the commission, one of the handed her a robe, and said, “Go forth and spread the free market!”

Said Parker, “I was so happy. Sure I risked going to jail, but without great risk, there wouldn’t be a great reward, like the high paying jobs I’m now entitled to!”

As for her future plans, she hopes to take advantage of the next “shocking situation.”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson laughed, and called The Babbler a welcome break from academic reporters.

Also in The Babbler:

Ghosts blamed for I-55 traffic jam
Anonymous denies hacking Babbler bank account
Generation Y: Bonnie who?
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/15/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Mishy spotted in Lake Geneva, WI

Is Mishy, "The lame lake monster" in this photograph?
According to sources, the Lake Michigan lake monster, Mishy, is “visiting” Lake Geneva in Wisconsin.

An eyewitness, who asked not to be identified, said he saw a tractor trailer park next Lake Geneva. The trailer was surrounded by Chicago police officers. The witness said he then saw Mayor Rahm Emanuel walk up to the trailer open a slide panel.

“He said, ‘These are hard times, and everyone has to earn their keep. We can’t afford to have Mishy the Lame Lake Monster. You need to be more visible in order to attract tourists. My friend is going to teach you how to be a decent lake monster, because we can’t afford to keep you in Shedd Aquarium.’”

The source added that the police officers opened the trailer and “dumped a black blob into the water.”

Bob K. Shellington, a Chicago resident vacationing on the lake, claims he noticed something unusual.

“There was this bearded man in a row boat with a woman. He seemed really (expletive deleted).”

According to Shellington, the man yelled, “You look like a dead log. Move around like I taught you!” The man started splashing water with his paddle. “I said move!”

The woman complained, “Honey, I’m glad you’re taking your new job seriously, but please don’t splash me. You’ll ruin my Droid.”

Michele Lowman, a Lake Geneva resident, also had an unusual encounter with the bearded man.

“I was sitting on my lawn watching the lake path tourists go by. This guy stopped in the middle of the path. It was odd that he was wearing a wetsuit, but you know how tourists are. Anyway, then he yelled, ‘You look like a boat wake! Do the neck trick I taught you!’ I didn’t see anything.”

According to Lowman, the man later jumped into the water started swimming. When he started bobbing in the water, the man yelled, “You’re just making me look like I’m playing in the water. Show your head!”

Said Lowman, “I might have seen something in the water, for a second, but it didn’t last. The man came out of the water, and said something about this was going to be a tough case. I told him to keep walking, and he did. Not before he told me to visit Chicago in July. Whatever. I have better things to do with my time than be assaulted by flash mobs.”

Sources with relatives in city government say Mishy is being trained to be “more visible.” The hope is he will attract more tourists and then the tourists will visit the proposed casino.

When asked to comment, Emanuel replied, “I’m starting to like the idea of an annoying reporter tax.”

Sources say Mishy should be returned to Lake Michigan in time for Taste of Chicago. The Babbler encourages Chicago readers to report any sightings of Mishy.

Also in The Babbler:

Skepchicks fail to overwhelm TAM with Women
Clow aiport official: If you don’t count expenses, Clow makes a profit!
Gay Agenda: No boycott of Bolingbrook planned
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/10/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.