Monday, May 9, 2011

Sparks fly at men’s conference

Men's Rights activists speak out against Rebecca Watson,
The founder of
Sparks flew in the testosterone filled air of the Men International United conference in Lisle.

“Sure we had several heated exchanges and a couple fist fights.” Said Patrick R. Michaels, head of the conference. “That why it was a success! We’re not feminists, we’re men! Facilitation is for women. Compromise is for effeminate politicians!”

One of the first speakers, who asked to be called Uncut104932, talked about his efforts to educate the public about the harm caused by male circumcision. According to the YouTube user, he has flamed over 150 female users for their videos against female circumcision.

“They say that female circumcision is the equivalent to getting our penises cut off!” Yelled Uncut10492. “I say when they cut your foreskin, they might as well cut off your penis!”

Uncut10492 then answered his critics.

“There are several thousand (expletive deleted) on YouTube. Now I don’t hate women, but if any of my comments reduces the number of (expletive deleted) by one, it will be worth it.”

The activist panel disputed David Futrelle’s claim that the Men’s Right Movement doesn’t do anything besides complain.

“We organized a boycott against a major funder to a women’s shelter!” Said Paul K. Gillian. “If those (expletive deleted) won’t give us a men’s shelter, then they can’t have a women’s shelter! That’s doesn’t mean I hate women. I’m saying, you know?”

The panel also praised the recent passage of H.R. 3, which initially attempted to redefine rape.

“This bill is a small step on the path to banning abortion. Soon, those little (expletive deleted) won’t be able to abort our babies! This isn’t about women. This is about our children.”

After a brief fistfight by the audience microphone, the winner of the fight stated that the panel was wrong about H.R. 3.

“If my girlfriend gets pregnant, I should have the right to drag her to a clinic and have that parasite ripped out of her! Now I’m a nice guy, but there’s no way I’m going to stand by and give that (expletive deleted) any so-called child support!”

The diversity spent several minutes attacking the “whiteness” of the audience.

“Men of color have plenty to contribute to our fight against (expletive deleted)! If only we would let them!” Said Don Rittle.

Rittle cited a Hasidic newspaper editing out Hillary Clinton from a White House photo.

“Excuse me, but that took balls, and we could use those balls in our struggle against (expletive deleted)!”

The keynote speaker, Max Z. Harman, is a postoperative transgendered male. Harman scolded men who accused him of trying to infiltrate the male gender. Transgendered people believe they are trapped in the wrong body, he explained.

“I spent 30 years in an ugly, leaking painful body of a (expletive deleted)!” Cried Harman. “Feminists say that I was trying to defect to the ‘privileged side.’ If I wanted to be privileged, I would have put up with my birth gender. I wanted to escape and join the liberation front!”

After disgusting the audience with stories about women’s bodies, Harman told the crowd not to be afraid of feminists.

“Some people say don’t be a dick. I say that if you have a dick, then be a dick!”

Outside the hotel, ten men staged a counter-protest.

“There is so much privilege and hate associated with masculinity that we have renounced our manhood.” Said Sean. “We are Mun, and we support womyn in the struggle against this pro-sexism movement!”

When a man tried to argue with the ‘mun,’ the mun chanted, “We’re not men! We are mun!”

Lisle police reported no arrests, and doubted that there really was a Men’s Rights conference in Lisle.

Though the hotel threatened to sue The Babbler if their name was printed, managed denied they were embarrassed to host the conference.

“They pay their invoices. If the Society to Cut Up Men wants to host a conference here, they’re welcome to. Just don’t commit any crimes on our property, and pay your balance, please.”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler staff teleported from Saturday to Monday!
Oak Park man hold’s Christopher Hitchens’s voice hostage
Skokie cats nominate their owner for ‘Pet Mom of the Year’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/13/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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