Saturday, May 28, 2011

Space aliens removed from AutismOne Conference

Alien at AutismOne Conference?
By Reporter X

Sources tell The Babbler that two space aliens were removed from the AutismOne Conference in Lombard.

“It’s been a horrifying two days!” Said Jane, one of the anonymous sources. “They’re out there, and they’re pro-pharma!”

Jane claims that space aliens are working with the pharmaceutical industry to spread autism. Once all of humanity suffers from autism, the aliens will invade.

“The aliens want us to believe that vaccines don’t cause autism, autism has a genetic cause, and people are dying because of Jenny McCarthy’s noble activism!” Exclaimed Jane.

According to Steve, another source, the first alien entered the conference disguised as a Chicago Tribune reporter.

“He had what appeared to be a tape recorder.” Said Steve. “But one of the staffers recognized it as an aliens mind probe! So we asked the Lombard police to escort him out. Those were brave men.”

The second day, staff members spotted a disguised alien using a device during David Geier’s presentation.

“The alien tried to disguise itself as a short college-aged woman. It thought it could fool us, but we’re smarter than that.” Said Joanne, another source.

Convention security initially approached the alien, then backed off.

“We weren’t sure what the device would do.” Said Bob, who claimed to be on the security staff. “So we called the police.”

Officer Lance, who asked that we not use his real name, claims he responded to the call.

“We had a report of an alien at the Lombard Westin.” Said Lance. “My thought was “Cool, I get to deal with the illegal alien problem directly.’”

When Lance and three police officers arrived, security explained the situation.

“The head of security said there was an alien with unknown weapon. He pointed her out. I said it looked like a young woman with a cellphone. He said that what the space aliens want us to think. Just like they want us to think vaccines eliminated smallpox. I shrugged, and wondered what it would be like to taser a space alien.”

The four police officers and three security personnel approached the alien, and her companion. To Lance’s disappointment, the two agreed to be escorted out of the conference.

“I wanted to see an alien pull out a death ray. Anyway, I asked her several questions, and she claimed that she was a skeptic. A security guard said he read in The Babbler that skeptics and aliens work together. Unfortunately, I couldn’t book her on anything, so I let her go.”

The Babbler couldn’t reach any local Chicago skeptic groups, but did see a tweet from UAJamie saying she removed from the AutismOne conference. She did not reply to our tweet.

One of the organizers of AutismOne refused to be quoted, but did say they had the right remove anyone from the conference, even though it was free and streamed on the Internet.

Lance had a warning for any space aliens trying to infiltrate the conference.

“We’ve increased our presence here. If you are an illegal alien, human or otherwise, you will be found and arrested!”

Update: One of the alleged aliens has posted her side of the story.  Skepchick has part one.  The Friendly Atheist has part two.

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar lays wreath at the Bolingbrook Time War Memorial
Richard Saunders plays audio from the future
CDC covers up Skokie zombie attack
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/3/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Vasha said...

Thanks for this... I laughed!