Monday, May 16, 2011

Chopra and Shermer offend aliens at Clow UFO Base

Deepak Chopra M.D. (Left) and Michael Shermer PhD. (Right) 
participated in a debate moderated by Sto Mito (Center).
By Reporter X

Spiritualist Deepak Chopra and skeptic Michael Shermer participated in what audience members described as a spirited and professional debate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. However, sources behind the scenes paint a different picture.

According to a guard, who asked to be called Donald, Michael Shermer rode a bicycle to Clow. After presenting his credentials, Shermer struck up a conversation with Donald.

“After he locked his bike, Michael said, ‘You know, I’m a columnist, publisher, organizer, and professor. But do you know what my greatest accomplishment is? After all these years, I still look great in bicycle shorts!’”

According to another guard, who asked to be called, Sue, said she greeted Chopra when he drove up in his Jaguar.

“I told him where to park, and he asked me to guess his age. I said he was about 64. He replied that we must be quantumly entangled. I told him I read Wikipedia. He laughed, and said, ‘I’ll bet if it weren’t for Wikipedia, you would have thought I was a young 30. If you want, I would be happy to sell you information on how to direct your body to metabolize time slower.’ He drove off before I could tell him that I would have guessed he was in his late 60s. At least he didn’t invite me to his hotel room.”

Chopra and Shermer then participated in a debate titled, “What humanity can teach other sentient beings about reality.” Shermer argued the humanity’s scientific method could be an example for other civilizations to follow. Chopra argued that Eastern Philosophy could help create “a massive quantum wave that will bring universal immorality and health to the universe.”

After the debate, both men greeted audience members at a reception. A few aliens felt offended by their remarks during the reception.

KiGoo, a quantum physics expert from Proxima Centauri, told Chopra that his presentation showed a lack of even a basic understanding of quantum physics. “I have personally projected my vision down to Plank length and observed waves in person. So believe me when I say quantum physics does not rely on observers, brains or any type of God.”

According to KiGoo, Chopra replied, “Every physicist I have spoken to says we do not have a complete understanding of quantum physics. Until you know everything there is to know about the quantum world, Dr. Steven Novella and you cannot rule out the possibility that my metaphorical use of quantum mechanics is correct!”

KiGoo then asked if Chopra believed in five different gods because there are five different “God” particles.

“Read two Bible verses and call me in the morning. Doctor’s orders.” Chopra allegedly replied.

Also at the reception, KilPrel from the SynRau Union said he heard that Shermer was familiar with his civilization's holy book, The Gogos Ru.

“Yes,” Shermer allegedly replied, “I now consider myself an expert on the Ru.”

KilPrel said he blinked his eye and asked, “How many of the books have you read?”

“Just the first one.”

“The Gogos Ru consists of thirty-two books!” Exclaimed KilPrel. “It takes a human lifetime to understand each one. How can a human like you claim to be an expert the holiest of all books?”

Shermer, according to KilPrel, smiled and replied, “All I need to do is read one book, and I become an expert. I don’t have any economics training, yet I’ve written a book on economics, and I lecture on the subject. That’s the best part about writing for Scientific America. I just do a little research, and suddenly I’m an expert.”

When KilPrel protested, Shermer replied, “You’re right that it took more than one book and some friends to set me straight about global warming. But there’s a big difference between religious texts and climate science. Kind of like the difference between a gaggle of girls offering advice, and getting advice from a PhD in psychology, like me.”

Halfway through the reception, several eyewitnesses say Shermer was thrown across the room. Security apprehended an alien, while Shermer was escorted to another room. Several minutes later, the alien was released and Shermer entered the reception area, wearing two casts.

“I’m sorry.” Shermer said to the alien. “I did not realize those were male appendages.”

When contacted by The Babbler, Chopra laughed, and then tried to sell this reporter items available on his web site.

Shermer, when reached for comment, also laughed.

“It seems like you believe the things said about me by my ex-wife and by a so-called psychic.” Replied Shermer. “Incidentally, belief just happens to be the subject of my upcoming book, The Believing Brain, which should be released very soon.

“Oh, and no, my next book won’t be, The Skeptics Guide to Dating Women. There is nothing rational about dating women because they can’t appreciate the evolutionary value of dating older men!”

Shermer then paused for a few moments.

Jennifer McCreight is going to call me out, isn’t she.”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler publication date moved to Mondays!
Chicago Mayor Emanuel hires publicist for Lake Michigan monster
Study: Bolingbrook not “rapture ready”
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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