Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bolingbrook issues “Rapture Alert”

(Photo taken by Eli the Bearded)

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Village Security say the village is now under a “Rapture Alert.”

“We think the odds are slightly greater than zero that something will happen to the devout Christians in Bolingbrook on March 21.” Said one of the sources. “One of those things could be The Rapture.”

Though some religious leaders have criticized the village for not doing enough, The sources say that Bolingbrook has taken action.

“We have made sure to have atheists, agnostics, and bad Christians manning critical village positions on March 21. If The Rapture happens, the police will still be on duty. Firefighters will come to your rescue. Property taxes will still be collected. In other words, don’t even think about looting!”

Christians are urged not to drive or operate heavy machinery on March 21. Christians who own pets are also urged to contact local atheist groups and ask if they can watch over them.

Sources also say that an emergency village board will take over if the Rapture happens this weekend.

“We sincerely hope that our village board is accepted by God. If so, we have decent Godless people ready to take over in their absence. Let me state this another way. Bonnie will not take over Bolingbrook after the Rapture. Maybe she’ll take over after the Final Judgment.”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar replied, “Maybe God will call up Liberty Temple Full Gospel Church and we can finally dismiss the lawsuit.”

The Babbler will be closed this weekend, due to the possible Rapture.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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