Saturday, May 28, 2011

Space aliens removed from AutismOne Conference

Alien at AutismOne Conference?
By Reporter X

Sources tell The Babbler that two space aliens were removed from the AutismOne Conference in Lombard.

“It’s been a horrifying two days!” Said Jane, one of the anonymous sources. “They’re out there, and they’re pro-pharma!”

Jane claims that space aliens are working with the pharmaceutical industry to spread autism. Once all of humanity suffers from autism, the aliens will invade.

“The aliens want us to believe that vaccines don’t cause autism, autism has a genetic cause, and people are dying because of Jenny McCarthy’s noble activism!” Exclaimed Jane.

According to Steve, another source, the first alien entered the conference disguised as a Chicago Tribune reporter.

“He had what appeared to be a tape recorder.” Said Steve. “But one of the staffers recognized it as an aliens mind probe! So we asked the Lombard police to escort him out. Those were brave men.”

The second day, staff members spotted a disguised alien using a device during David Geier’s presentation.

“The alien tried to disguise itself as a short college-aged woman. It thought it could fool us, but we’re smarter than that.” Said Joanne, another source.

Convention security initially approached the alien, then backed off.

“We weren’t sure what the device would do.” Said Bob, who claimed to be on the security staff. “So we called the police.”

Officer Lance, who asked that we not use his real name, claims he responded to the call.

“We had a report of an alien at the Lombard Westin.” Said Lance. “My thought was “Cool, I get to deal with the illegal alien problem directly.’”

When Lance and three police officers arrived, security explained the situation.

“The head of security said there was an alien with unknown weapon. He pointed her out. I said it looked like a young woman with a cellphone. He said that what the space aliens want us to think. Just like they want us to think vaccines eliminated smallpox. I shrugged, and wondered what it would be like to taser a space alien.”

The four police officers and three security personnel approached the alien, and her companion. To Lance’s disappointment, the two agreed to be escorted out of the conference.

“I wanted to see an alien pull out a death ray. Anyway, I asked her several questions, and she claimed that she was a skeptic. A security guard said he read in The Babbler that skeptics and aliens work together. Unfortunately, I couldn’t book her on anything, so I let her go.”

The Babbler couldn’t reach any local Chicago skeptic groups, but did see a tweet from UAJamie saying she removed from the AutismOne conference. She did not reply to our tweet.

One of the organizers of AutismOne refused to be quoted, but did say they had the right remove anyone from the conference, even though it was free and streamed on the Internet.

Lance had a warning for any space aliens trying to infiltrate the conference.

“We’ve increased our presence here. If you are an illegal alien, human or otherwise, you will be found and arrested!”

Update: One of the alleged aliens has posted her side of the story.  Skepchick has part one.  The Friendly Atheist has part two.

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar lays wreath at the Bolingbrook Time War Memorial
Richard Saunders plays audio from the future
CDC covers up Skokie zombie attack
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/3/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Entertaining The Brook

We’re proud to introduce our new arts and entertainment section, Entertaining The Brook. We hope this becomes the Ain’t It Cool News of Bolingbrook, with stories you’ll only read here. Here are a couple samples for our web readers. You’ll find the column in every print addition of The Babbler!

Karen Stollzkowski P.I’ films episode in Bolingbrook

The new web series, “Karen Stollzkowski P.I.” secretly filmed an episode in Bolingbrook.

“I think of it as ‘Bones’ meets ‘The X-files.’” Said star Joan Dunwick. “She’s a super bright character who takes on the purveyors of Woo Woo!”

“That’s ‘woo!’” A crew member yelled.

“I said ‘woo woo!’”

“It’s just ‘woo!’”

“Whatever.” Replied Dunwick. “I’m new to this whole septic thing.”

The crew member screamed.

Writer/Director Bill K. Stevens said he’s feels especially attached to the character. “She’s a strong, intelligent female, which we could use more of in the skeptical movement. Anyway, she’s smart, but she’s involved in a love triangle between a brutish thug who wants her to move to Colorado, and a kind, sensitive writer, who just wants the very best for her, but for some reason just can’t seem to win her affections because he’s just too much of a nice guy!” After clearing some tears, he added, “Oh, the character is not based on Karen Stollznow. She lived in San Francisco before she-- I need to film this scene.”

Though the show is based in Los Angeles, Stevens said they had to film a special episode in Bolingbrook.

“(The Babbler’s) Five Dollar Challenge to the Skeptic Guide to the Universe and the JREF has really riled up the skeptical community. So we had to do an episode about Bolingbrook.”

In the scene filmed near Hidden Lakes, Stollzkowski is tied up and surrounded by a gang. A man and a woman are addressing her.

“Our plan is simple.” Said the man. “We’ll save Bolingbrook’s economy by staging UFO appearances. The believers will flock over here, and the businesses will prosper! We can’t have you messing up our plan with your facts and science.”

The woman stepped forward. “Once you’re dead, and I complete my dissertation, no one will question me! I will make Bolingbrook the UFO capital of Illinois, and The Bolingbrook Bungler will help me!”

Stolzkowski, with a fake Australian accent, replied, “You forget, Not only do I have a PhD in linguistics, history, religion, anthropology, and psychology, and not only do I blog on 10 sites, and not only I am I a researcher for 5 foundations, I am also a trained escape artist, and I am a master of Australian Two Gun Mojo!”

The ropes fell to the ground, and she pulled out her two guns.

“Cut!” Yelled Stevens.

“Karen Stollzkowski P.I” is a joint production of CSI West and Independent Investigations Group of Los Angeles. The series will be announced at TAM 9, and will debut on YouTube in September.

Musical based on Mayor Claar to debut in July

In response to a Chicago theater’s play about Drew Peterson, sources say The Performing Arts Center will stage a musical about Mayor Roger Claar.

“This is not a vanity project.” Insists one source. “The Annoyance Theater and Bar is projecting a negative image of Bolingbrook. It’s our job to present a positive image of Bolingbrook. What more positive image than to tell the story of the longest serving mayor in Bolingbrook?”

According to the other sources, the play, currently titled, “Roger!” will tell Claar’s story from when he first moved to Bolingbrook to his defeat of Bonnie Alicea in 2009. While most of the songs are “traditional,” former members of House of Large Sizes will contribute songs to the production.

According to the second source, “I was such of fan of the House when I was in college. So when I heard about the musical, I looked up the lead singer. I asked what he was up to. He said he was bored and broke. I asked him if he wanted to write some songs for Roger! He wasn’t sure. Once I told how much he be paid, he was all for it.”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “No jokes about gays and musicals! We have a big civil unions ceremony in June! I don’t want any complications!”

Roger! is set to debut in July and will run through October.

Also in The Babbler:

God spares humanity
Image of Claar seen at Bar Louie table
‘Blag Hag’ to sell ‘pre-apologies’ to sexist atheist speakers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/29/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bolingbrook issues “Rapture Alert”

(Photo taken by Eli the Bearded)

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Village Security say the village is now under a “Rapture Alert.”

“We think the odds are slightly greater than zero that something will happen to the devout Christians in Bolingbrook on March 21.” Said one of the sources. “One of those things could be The Rapture.”

Though some religious leaders have criticized the village for not doing enough, The sources say that Bolingbrook has taken action.

“We have made sure to have atheists, agnostics, and bad Christians manning critical village positions on March 21. If The Rapture happens, the police will still be on duty. Firefighters will come to your rescue. Property taxes will still be collected. In other words, don’t even think about looting!”

Christians are urged not to drive or operate heavy machinery on March 21. Christians who own pets are also urged to contact local atheist groups and ask if they can watch over them.

Sources also say that an emergency village board will take over if the Rapture happens this weekend.

“We sincerely hope that our village board is accepted by God. If so, we have decent Godless people ready to take over in their absence. Let me state this another way. Bonnie will not take over Bolingbrook after the Rapture. Maybe she’ll take over after the Final Judgment.”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar replied, “Maybe God will call up Liberty Temple Full Gospel Church and we can finally dismiss the lawsuit.”

The Babbler will be closed this weekend, due to the possible Rapture.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Chopra and Shermer offend aliens at Clow UFO Base

Deepak Chopra M.D. (Left) and Michael Shermer PhD. (Right) 
participated in a debate moderated by Sto Mito (Center).
By Reporter X

Spiritualist Deepak Chopra and skeptic Michael Shermer participated in what audience members described as a spirited and professional debate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. However, sources behind the scenes paint a different picture.

According to a guard, who asked to be called Donald, Michael Shermer rode a bicycle to Clow. After presenting his credentials, Shermer struck up a conversation with Donald.

“After he locked his bike, Michael said, ‘You know, I’m a columnist, publisher, organizer, and professor. But do you know what my greatest accomplishment is? After all these years, I still look great in bicycle shorts!’”

According to another guard, who asked to be called, Sue, said she greeted Chopra when he drove up in his Jaguar.

“I told him where to park, and he asked me to guess his age. I said he was about 64. He replied that we must be quantumly entangled. I told him I read Wikipedia. He laughed, and said, ‘I’ll bet if it weren’t for Wikipedia, you would have thought I was a young 30. If you want, I would be happy to sell you information on how to direct your body to metabolize time slower.’ He drove off before I could tell him that I would have guessed he was in his late 60s. At least he didn’t invite me to his hotel room.”

Chopra and Shermer then participated in a debate titled, “What humanity can teach other sentient beings about reality.” Shermer argued the humanity’s scientific method could be an example for other civilizations to follow. Chopra argued that Eastern Philosophy could help create “a massive quantum wave that will bring universal immorality and health to the universe.”

After the debate, both men greeted audience members at a reception. A few aliens felt offended by their remarks during the reception.

KiGoo, a quantum physics expert from Proxima Centauri, told Chopra that his presentation showed a lack of even a basic understanding of quantum physics. “I have personally projected my vision down to Plank length and observed waves in person. So believe me when I say quantum physics does not rely on observers, brains or any type of God.”

According to KiGoo, Chopra replied, “Every physicist I have spoken to says we do not have a complete understanding of quantum physics. Until you know everything there is to know about the quantum world, Dr. Steven Novella and you cannot rule out the possibility that my metaphorical use of quantum mechanics is correct!”

KiGoo then asked if Chopra believed in five different gods because there are five different “God” particles.

“Read two Bible verses and call me in the morning. Doctor’s orders.” Chopra allegedly replied.

Also at the reception, KilPrel from the SynRau Union said he heard that Shermer was familiar with his civilization's holy book, The Gogos Ru.

“Yes,” Shermer allegedly replied, “I now consider myself an expert on the Ru.”

KilPrel said he blinked his eye and asked, “How many of the books have you read?”

“Just the first one.”

“The Gogos Ru consists of thirty-two books!” Exclaimed KilPrel. “It takes a human lifetime to understand each one. How can a human like you claim to be an expert the holiest of all books?”

Shermer, according to KilPrel, smiled and replied, “All I need to do is read one book, and I become an expert. I don’t have any economics training, yet I’ve written a book on economics, and I lecture on the subject. That’s the best part about writing for Scientific America. I just do a little research, and suddenly I’m an expert.”

When KilPrel protested, Shermer replied, “You’re right that it took more than one book and some friends to set me straight about global warming. But there’s a big difference between religious texts and climate science. Kind of like the difference between a gaggle of girls offering advice, and getting advice from a PhD in psychology, like me.”

Halfway through the reception, several eyewitnesses say Shermer was thrown across the room. Security apprehended an alien, while Shermer was escorted to another room. Several minutes later, the alien was released and Shermer entered the reception area, wearing two casts.

“I’m sorry.” Shermer said to the alien. “I did not realize those were male appendages.”

When contacted by The Babbler, Chopra laughed, and then tried to sell this reporter items available on his web site.

Shermer, when reached for comment, also laughed.

“It seems like you believe the things said about me by my ex-wife and by a so-called psychic.” Replied Shermer. “Incidentally, belief just happens to be the subject of my upcoming book, The Believing Brain, which should be released very soon.

“Oh, and no, my next book won’t be, The Skeptics Guide to Dating Women. There is nothing rational about dating women because they can’t appreciate the evolutionary value of dating older men!”

Shermer then paused for a few moments.

Jennifer McCreight is going to call me out, isn’t she.”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler publication date moved to Mondays!
Chicago Mayor Emanuel hires publicist for Lake Michigan monster
Study: Bolingbrook not “rapture ready”
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Sparks fly at men’s conference

Men's Rights activists speak out against Rebecca Watson,
The founder of
Sparks flew in the testosterone filled air of the Men International United conference in Lisle.

“Sure we had several heated exchanges and a couple fist fights.” Said Patrick R. Michaels, head of the conference. “That why it was a success! We’re not feminists, we’re men! Facilitation is for women. Compromise is for effeminate politicians!”

One of the first speakers, who asked to be called Uncut104932, talked about his efforts to educate the public about the harm caused by male circumcision. According to the YouTube user, he has flamed over 150 female users for their videos against female circumcision.

“They say that female circumcision is the equivalent to getting our penises cut off!” Yelled Uncut10492. “I say when they cut your foreskin, they might as well cut off your penis!”

Uncut10492 then answered his critics.

“There are several thousand (expletive deleted) on YouTube. Now I don’t hate women, but if any of my comments reduces the number of (expletive deleted) by one, it will be worth it.”

The activist panel disputed David Futrelle’s claim that the Men’s Right Movement doesn’t do anything besides complain.

“We organized a boycott against a major funder to a women’s shelter!” Said Paul K. Gillian. “If those (expletive deleted) won’t give us a men’s shelter, then they can’t have a women’s shelter! That’s doesn’t mean I hate women. I’m saying, you know?”

The panel also praised the recent passage of H.R. 3, which initially attempted to redefine rape.

“This bill is a small step on the path to banning abortion. Soon, those little (expletive deleted) won’t be able to abort our babies! This isn’t about women. This is about our children.”

After a brief fistfight by the audience microphone, the winner of the fight stated that the panel was wrong about H.R. 3.

“If my girlfriend gets pregnant, I should have the right to drag her to a clinic and have that parasite ripped out of her! Now I’m a nice guy, but there’s no way I’m going to stand by and give that (expletive deleted) any so-called child support!”

The diversity spent several minutes attacking the “whiteness” of the audience.

“Men of color have plenty to contribute to our fight against (expletive deleted)! If only we would let them!” Said Don Rittle.

Rittle cited a Hasidic newspaper editing out Hillary Clinton from a White House photo.

“Excuse me, but that took balls, and we could use those balls in our struggle against (expletive deleted)!”

The keynote speaker, Max Z. Harman, is a postoperative transgendered male. Harman scolded men who accused him of trying to infiltrate the male gender. Transgendered people believe they are trapped in the wrong body, he explained.

“I spent 30 years in an ugly, leaking painful body of a (expletive deleted)!” Cried Harman. “Feminists say that I was trying to defect to the ‘privileged side.’ If I wanted to be privileged, I would have put up with my birth gender. I wanted to escape and join the liberation front!”

After disgusting the audience with stories about women’s bodies, Harman told the crowd not to be afraid of feminists.

“Some people say don’t be a dick. I say that if you have a dick, then be a dick!”

Outside the hotel, ten men staged a counter-protest.

“There is so much privilege and hate associated with masculinity that we have renounced our manhood.” Said Sean. “We are Mun, and we support womyn in the struggle against this pro-sexism movement!”

When a man tried to argue with the ‘mun,’ the mun chanted, “We’re not men! We are mun!”

Lisle police reported no arrests, and doubted that there really was a Men’s Rights conference in Lisle.

Though the hotel threatened to sue The Babbler if their name was printed, managed denied they were embarrassed to host the conference.

“They pay their invoices. If the Society to Cut Up Men wants to host a conference here, they’re welcome to. Just don’t commit any crimes on our property, and pay your balance, please.”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler staff teleported from Saturday to Monday!
Oak Park man hold’s Christopher Hitchens’s voice hostage
Skokie cats nominate their owner for ‘Pet Mom of the Year’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/13/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Subliminal messages discovered in library logo!

Enhanced image of the Fountaindale Logo
The Babbler has learned that there are subliminal messages in the Fountaindale Public Library logo.

A Bolingbrook resident, who asked to be called Martin, claims he discovered the messages a year ago.

“I just looked at the new logo, and I was blown away!” Said Martin. “I saw the messages as clear as day.” Martin says he tired tell the The Bolingbrook Reporter, The Bolingbrook Bugle, The Bolingbrook Sun, and The Brook Report before going to The Babbler.

“No offense, but I wanted to be taken seriously. That wouldn’t have happened if I went to you guys first.”

Instead of being taken seriously, Martian instead gained the nickname among mainstream reporters as “The Subliminal Guy.”

“That hurt my feelings.” Cried Martin. “So now I’m going to you guys to redeem myself! Only The Babbler can help me!”

Experts in the field of subliminal advertising examined the logo for the Babbler, and all agreed that there were subliminal messages in the logo.

Dr. Mandy X. Gay, says there are very clear subliminal messages in the logo.

“If you look at the so-called leaf, it is clearly a (expletive deleted.) Don’t get me started on the so called stems. I’m surprised that this was created for an elected body. This is clearly a call to (offensive act deleted)!”

Neil Dyson, PhD ABDAE, says this special Photoshop filters have uncovered textual and visual messages in the logo.

“In the sample image you sent me, I was able to uncover the words, ‘You know you want to check us out!’ And ‘Please give us more money!’”

An anonymous source within Fountaindale confirms that there are subliminal messages in the logo.

“We use the logo to run our subliminal campaigns.” Said the source. “So every few weeks we’ll change the message. That’s why its very important that we control all representations of our logo. In fact, we were concerned that didn’t have control of our logo on The Number Cruncher’s site. Fortunately the lawyers came up with the trademark letter to persuade Rhonda to pull the logo from her site.”

Another expert, Dr. Sean X. Parker, doubted the existence of the subliminal messages.

“If they are there, then the library is wasting their money.” Said Parker. “Subliminal advertising doesn’t work. Think about it. If I put up sign that says, ‘give the mayor all your money,’ Are you going to do that? The subconscious may be irrational, but it isn’t stupid.”

When asked to comment, a woman who claimed to be a spokesperson for Fountaindale denied there were messages in the logo, and added, “The Brook Report is in no position to lecture us about Copyright law!”

Also in The Babbler:

Bin Laden vows revenge before being dragged to hell
Ghost of Ayn Rand trashes ‘Atlas Shrugged’ movie
Aliens upset over closed SETI array
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/3/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.