Saturday, April 16, 2011

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook declares changeling state of emergency

Bolingbrook’s Department of paranormal affairs announced that fairies are trying kidnap village officials.

“Bolingbrook is under a state of emergency this weekend.” Said department spokesperson Paul Michaels. He stated that all Bolingbrook government officials, and those deemed “vital to the well being of Bolingbrook” will be in hiding until the threat passes.

“If you see the mayor or any trustees either in person, on television, or at any sporting events, call the department right away! Those are changelings. Do not try to capture, or harm them. Leave that to the professionals.”

Michaels explained that every 300 years, fairies travel to Earth from the mythical realm of Arcadia to abduct humans, and replace them with changelings, creatures that resemble the abductees.

“Contrary to popular myth, they do not target babies.” Said Michaels. “Since the 1400s, they have only targeted royalty and elected officials. In other words, do not harm your children! They are not changelings!”

Sources with relatives in village government say that Mayor Roger Claar has been in hiding since Friday morning. The sources agree that a team of trolls tried to snatch but we’re repelled.

“People wonder why the Department of Paranormal Affairs is the only department to be fully funded every year.” Said Michaels. “If it weren’t for our daily prayers, and spells, Bolingbrook would be under faerie domination right now!”

To cover up the public appearances of the Claar’s doppelganger, Michaels debuted a video by famed skeptic Brian Dunning. In the video, Dunning describes pareidolia, and how easily everyone can be fooled.

“For example,” Says Dunning, “many Bolingbrook residents wanted to see their mayor at a Chicago Bulls game. So when a man who closely resembled the mayor appeared on the JumboTron, their brains created the illusion that the mayor was there. In real life, the mayor was at home with his wife, and residents really saw a man taking his daughter out to a game.”

Sources say the state of emergency will be lifted Monday morning. That is when the portal to Arcadia will close, and Bolingbrook will be safe from faeries for 300 years.

When contacted by The Babbler, Dunning answered, “I’m not some excessively decorated woman who bakes clay for a living. I’m Brian Dunning, the host of Skeptoid! I demand respect for my concept album cover!” He then hung up.

The Babbler also tried to reach Claar. His receptionist replied that he was meeting with the editor of Bolingbrook Patch, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man said, “Since you posted a nice article about my daughter, I’m just going to explain to you one last time how we do things in Bolingbrook.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: