Sunday, April 3, 2011

Manchester Mumbler: Wakefield comes clean

Note: This article comes from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler. They were advised not to run this article due to Britain's strict libel laws. So we are running this article for them.

After 12 years, Andrew Wakefield confessed to this reporter that his study linking the MMR vaccine to autism was fraudulent.

Brian Deer got it right.” Said Wakefield. “Fortunately, his investigations only made me look like a victim of Big Pharma. So he’s only a minor annoyance.”

Wakefield confirmed that he was paid by a lawyer two years before the study to discredit the MMR shot for a possible lawsuit. He was paid £150 an hour plus expenses.

“It was an unprecedented arrangement.” Admitted Wakefield. “But I was worth it.”

Wakefield also admitted that he had filed a patent for a single measles vaccine shot.

“I knew about the lawsuit to damage the MMR vaccine, so I was in the best position to create a single shot vaccine.” Said Wakefield in a matter of fact voice. “Wouldn’t you?”

He also confirmed that he changed the findings of the 12 children he studied to make it appear that the MMR vaccine caused their developmental problems.

“I started out thinking there was a problem with the MMR vaccine.” Said Wakefield. “Unfortunately, the records just weren’t cooperating. I’d already been paid quite a bit from the legal fund. Even the spinal taps and blood tests weren’t helping to prove my case. So, you know what they say, in for a penny, in for a pound.”

Despite being stricken from the medical roll, having his Lancet paper retracted, and asked to resign from board of Thoughtful House in Austin, TX, Wakefield has no regrets.

“Have you ever tried to maintain an upper class lifestyle while working as a doctor in the UK?” Asked Wakefield. “It can’t be done. If it weren’t for my work, I wouldn’t be rich and famous. But thanks to my modified studies, I got to meet Jenny McCarthy, and I have a nice home in Texas, where I get to raise my four kids.”

Wakefield also explained why he was revealing this to The Mumbler.

“I have a bet going that if I confessed to The Mumbler, no one would believe it. You know, even if I confessed to The Times, my followers would still believe my research. There is nothing you can say to shake their blind faith that the MMR vaccine causes autism. All they’ll do is wave six studies that I’ve told them support my work. Not that they know what the studies really show, but they trust me. So that bet is all but won.”

Wakefield conceded that the BMJ report has slowed acceptance of his MMR theory, but is optimistic for future opportunities for growth.

“I’m going to Minneapolis this week to talk to Somali immigrants. If I can convince them that it is better for their children to have measles then to get vaccinated, then I’ll have it made.  I wonder if my books can be translated into Somali?”

Wakefield then said he remembered something. He walked over to his suitcase and pulled out a note. He mentioned that it was from a woman he met at an anti-vaccine rally in Chicago. After saying he might stop by Chicago on the way home, he started to read the note. A few seconds later, he tossed the note to the floor.

“Bloody hell!” Exclaimed Wakefield. “She was cute too.”

Also in The Mumbler:

UFOs attack British fighters over Libya
MP: Too many commoners have college degrees
BBC: Dr. Who is not a documentary!
Manchester Women: I said stop putting me in your stories!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

4 comments:

Homer said...

Makes you wonder just how accurate are any of the "scientific" studies out there...

Manchester airport hotel parking said...

It seems he doesn't regret for what he did. I'm not sure if I have the right to blame him for this. His life was good.

perth airport long term parking said...

He should have admitted his mistake years ago. He should be reprimanded for his actions.

caravan parks said...

They should revoke his licence if he lied about this because if people believed them then the vaccination of people would be impeded and we would have had sickness like Measles by now.