Sunday, April 24, 2011

FOIA request reveals giant talking bunnies in Bolingbrook!

The Bolingbrook police are aware of giant bunnies living in the area!

According to the 10 police reports given to The Babbler under the Freedom of Information Act, law enforcement officials have been aware of the giant bunnies since 1969, and have surprising little interest in them.

“(Redacted) says he saw a giant lepus scratching on his window.” Read one report. “Lepus said that he was going to kill him. (Redacted) is still alive. No further investigation.”

While most of the sightings took place around 1972, there is a striking story from 1975. Bolingbrook found 10 teenagers sleeping on the football field.

“One of the subjects claimed that they were hiding from an army of giant bunnies. Claimed they couldn’t enter the stadium. Another one shouted, “It’s weather only a coo-coo would like! Parents arrived and promised to ground the subjects. No further action taken.”

Another story from the 1970s deals with a traumatized little girl.

“(Redacted) said that a giant Lepus ate her ball and jumped into the backyard of trustee (redacted). Trustee (redacted) denied seeing a basketball or a bunny rabbit. (Redacted) called trustee (redacted) a big liar and swore to “get him!” (Redacted) turned over to parents. Trustee declined to press trespassing charges. No further investigation.”

Local cryptozoologist Donald K. Franson is outraged.

“Mayor (Roger) Claar is covering up giant bunnies in Bolingbrook. Doesn’t he realize the danger he’s putting the village in? Hasn’t he seen Night of the Lepus? You can only ignore them for so long before there’s a body count!”

Franson urges Bolingbrook residents not to grow vegetables in their backyards, and to own a high caliber machine gun, “Just in case.”

The Bolingbrook Police Department released a statement accusing The Babbler of quoting old police reports out of context.

“This is why we need FOIA reform!” Read the statement.

When The Babbler called Claar, he replied, “First of all, they’re getting civil unions, not married. Second, civil unions are legal in Illinois. Third, they’re paying rent, which means they’re generating income for the golf club. Fourth, money touched by gay people is worth just as much as money touched by heterosexuals. Fifth, no we’re not trying to become the gay marriage capital of Illinois, but if it happens, it will help our bottom line. Sixth, I don’t care what Cedra Crenshaw thinks of me!”

He then hung up.

Also in The Babbler:

Happy Easter from the staff of The Babbler
Bolingbrook Party of Tea: Hockey promotes socialism
Mayor Claar denies forming Presidential exploratory committee.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/28/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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