Sunday, April 10, 2011

Bolingbrook prepares for giant monster attack

Since the discovery radiation from the Fukushima reactors in Will County, Bolingbrook officials are secretly reviewing their plans to deal with a giant monster attack.

“Sure the scientists say there’s nothing to worry about.” Said Phil Dockson, a member of Bolingbrook Department of Homeland Security liaison team. “But if, however unlikely, such a monster attack would take place, we wouldn’t want to be caught in the foot print of the thing.”

Dockman says Bolingbrook’s plans have improved since 1971. Then, Bolingbrook planed to fend off a “Godzilla-style” attack by putting a bunch of school children in its path, and hoping that they would charm the creature into leaving Bolingbrook alone.

“We didn’t take monster attacks seriously back then.” Said Dockson. “The people in charge back then watched a few Toho movies, had a few too many drinks, and type up this policy. We’re more advanced now.”

John Gayles, also on the committee, says Bolingbrook’s current policy needs to be revised.

“In 1979, the revised plan stated that any monsters would be guided to the Southwest corner of Bolingbrook and bombed ‘into a bloody pulp.’ Its a good thing we reviewed the policy recently, because that'a the location of The Bolingbrook Golf Club, and the home of our secret Emergency Management Center.”

Both men want to change the policy to drive any monsters to the Elmhurst-Chicago Stone company quarry, and then drop heavy bombs on it. While bombing the location could actually help the company in the long run, there are protests against the policy.

“The monster would have to travel through several subdivisions in order to reach the quarry. Specifically, (Mayor Roger Claar’s) subdivision. He’s made it very clear that any chance of a monster destroying his home is unacceptable.”

Claar, according to Gayles, is also concerned that Bolingbrook homeowners are not insured against giant monster attacks. Bolingbrook officials are hoping that Naperville will pay for the monster coverage.

“It’s the least they can do since they expect us to give up our lives to protect their property values.”

While both men agree that there is a sense of urgency, they realize that things could have been worse.

“The voters could have elected Bob Bowen, and I’m sure he would have insisted on feeding Roger to the monster."

Some scientists insist that there is no danger from giant monster attacks.

Donna Swanson, a biologist and computer programer at the University of Washington, made some unprintable comments when asked.

“There is not enough oxygen in our atmosphere to support giant creatures. That’s why we don’t have dinosaur-like creatures or insects the size of cars. I can’t wait for Jennifer to get back so I don’t have to answer your stupid questions!”

When reached for comment, Claar seemed unconcerned about the risk of a giant monster attack.

“Every time I have a concern about the nuclear incident in Japan, I go to the Georneys blog. Nuclear Engineer Dad always makes me feel at ease. So no, I’m not worried about Godzilla attacking my village.”

Also in The Babbler:

Weather Channel accused of inciting fear in Bolingbrook
Aliens preview iPad 10 at Clow UFO Base
Psychics predict the Blackhawks will win a playoff game
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/15/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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